A
male
age
41-50,
*uval77
writes:I moved in with my partner in October past having been together for about 18 months, believing that I had found a strong relationship based on love and trust. I recently discovered that she has been cheating me on the rent since I moved in, double charging me in order to clear arrears she had accrued before I moved in. I knew she was in arrears before I moved in and offered on numerous occasions to help her out with the arrears. She kept telling me not to worry about it, that she would get it sorted out herself in her own time, all the while overcharging me to get them paid off. I feel that all the trust in the relationship is gone and while she has apologised and I have forgiven her the relationship is utterly changed. She, on the other hand, believes that an apology and forgiveness is enough, that we have nothing to work out and things should just go back to the way they were. I do love her but I'm very confused and feel betrayed and disappointed, moreso than I've ever felt before. I would never, ever betray the trust of someone I love in this way and I'm wondering if the relationship is worth saving and if so, how. Thanks in advance for your help,
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male
reader, Duval77 +, writes (31 March 2008):
Duval77 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI found out when she tried to slip by me that our rental payments are going down in a couple of months. I was nearly asleep when she brought it up and I think she was expecting me to never put 2 and 2 together on it. It took me 2 hours to get the truth out of her and she has been full of guilt and remorse since then but only because she was caught. I'm still very confused and am currently taking some time away from her. The relationship is not what I thought it was and she is upset and angry because I'm not showing her the love and affection that I used to but then again, as I said in my original message here, she believes once she said sorry, everything should go back to the way it was.
Thanks everyone for your help and advice
A
male
reader, Duval77 +, writes (30 March 2008):
Duval77 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn reply to older sister:-
The going rate was a lot less than she told me it was. I agreed to pay half of the rent + the arrears, thinking that I was only agreeing to pay half of the rent
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2008): she did not want you to know you were paying off her debt so that she did not owe you anything if you and she did not last or she decided or you decided to break up.....is what I meant to write below.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2008): This is a tough one, only you can decide if she had some motive for doing this other than using you to help her pay off her debts....that is what I would see this as, she moved in with you, lied to you about the cost of the rent even though you offered to help pay for her debt, but for some reason, she decided to make you pay it without realizing it....sounds like a power play to me....she did not want you to you were paying it off so she wouldn't owe you anything or be indebted to you in the future if things did not work out....ask yourself what motivated her other than money. I don't know the woman, but that would make me feel rather shitty and used.....
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A
female
reader, brooke5426  +, writes (29 March 2008):
 I think its an individual thing, and some people may handle things differently than others. Only you know if you can forgive something like this. It doesnt sound like you have forgiven her entirely, or there would be no problem for you to write about.
For me, the relationship would have to be over. Its not only lies, its theft. I couldnt live with someone who would do that to me and I definitely couldnt trust them enough to have a relationship with them. I would always be wondering what else they were doing that I had no idea about. She must've known you would lend her the money if she asked but instead chose the deceptive route when it would've been just as easy to take the honest route. Thats the bit I would have a problem with - the fact that she lied, stole and deceived you so easily for no reason.
If you do think the relationship is worth saving you need to take it very slowly and build that trust up again. I dont think it will be possible if she thinks its as easy as saying sorry then everything will be undone. She needs to prove that you can trust her and if she's not willing to put that effort in to right what she did wrong (she could start by paying you back), i would take it as further proof she cares about herself more than you and i would have to leave.
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A
male
reader, Namatjira +, writes (29 March 2008):
Once trust has gone from a relationship it is very hard to win it back. You need to have a discussion with her where you tell her how it has made you feel that you cannot trust her. That she needs to figure out how she can earn your trust back again.
You also need to decide if it is possible at all, because if not then there is no point in carrying on and you should end it now.
Only you can work this out but if you really love her then you should try and identify what would have to happen for you to trust her again. Be careful though. It is easy to fall into the trap of making someone crawl over hot coals to try and earn it back when we really know that is not possible. In that case the person requiring such extreme methods to rebuild the trust is showing that they themselves are manipulative and probably cannot be trusted.
The other thing you should keep in kind is that to forgive truly is to offer some trust back. Even if only a little.
Lastly, remember that the strength of a relationship is not measured by its good times but by how well it can survive the bad.
I wish you luck.
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