A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I know,it is a very hard question.. But I wonder, how those, who decided to leave their husband were making their choice?When is it really enough, even if it is, painful, and risky? And very unsure ,how it will be after..Cheating ? Abuse ? What is the the real big reason to leave? I want to leave years ago, but I can't make up my mind. No cheating or abuse.. Just dead ,no affecton, or plans for future. Is there any good ideas? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (26 May 2009):
 Hi there....
I left a long term marriage that was dead. Similar to Country Woman, I am now friends with my ex and we get along great, more like brother and sister which was pretty much the way the marriage was too.
I left because I no longer liked who I had become. I was so busy taking care of my ex and my daugher (I'm a pleaser...) that I never took care of me, never did things for myself and I too lost friends along the way. I felt like I was suffocating and I was very unhappy. No abuse, no cheating but no "real love". It was a decision that was made over the course of 10 years. I had tried to leave other times I stayed because of financial reasons and also for my daughter's sake. But I got to the point where I was willing to be alone and broke and at least have the possibility of happiness. I'm still single with no prospects even to date and sometimes I am lonely and sometimes I worry about money. But I do have hope. I have hope that I will find that "real love" one day.
Best of luck to you. It is a leap of faith with no guarantees.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (25 May 2009):
 I have certainly never left a husband (and never will :-), since I'm straight), and never been married, but, at risk of underestimating your situation, I will make some comments based on the decision to leave someone you love, even if you're not married to that person. I assume this situation has much in common even with same-sex relationships.
The starting point here is that your marriage is not spectacularly bad, at least not to the point that leaving your husband would be the obvious decision to make. You're not in the same situation as other people who stay in absolutely terrible relationships because they do not have the means, or the strength, to leave, or, also, because there are situations that keep them where they are. Or because they are absolutely terrified.
It sounds too easy to say that only you can define whether it is time to leave. But that is the truth. As awful as this may sound, I'm sure not many people leave a partner on the grounds that someone else put up with much less. Generally, you draw your own line in the sand.
Where I live, many women of times past would never ever leave their husbands when they cheated on them. People believed that a mistress was a fact of life, and, also, that women who were smarter in the longer term were the ones who stayed, because, after all, the mistress was just a temporary mischief and a slut, while the housewife was "the Lady of the Home". Also, the reasoning was, the children beneffited from staying with their father, at least financially. And then, the fate of the woman who left was bad: she had to work very hard, could never find help with the house chores, and was approached by men who had only "one thing" in mind. Her children would also suffer the consequences of not having the father's economic support with them, in the way of little schooling, hunger, et cetera.
Women were able to actually leave a cheating husband when they had jobs. Where I live, a cheating husband is tolerated on similar grounds, but many a woman won't put up with infidelity and leave. Some will stay with the husband because they think he will change. And then, alimony laws mean the children don't necessarily have to starve, though, as you can suspect, the situation is less than perfect.
So, the same woman faced with the same situation, but in different conditions, would have a chance to react differently. This is why I say that when to leave is for you to define.
How "dead" is dead? Is this really a situation where there is no abuse, but there is a lot of indifference? Or boredom?
Country Woman said it very, very right. "You are not 90 so you have a lot of your life left to live, do you want it to be a happy life with fun and laughter or monotony where two people are miserable together but neither one of them is brave enough to say 'look this isn't working any more'.
You have to take the bull by the horns and truly know what you want out of life..."
Maybe you're afraid that you'll leave a situation that's bad but well-known and manageable for impredictability. Well, yes. I would leave. I would think I can change the impredictability with my own actions.
Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (25 May 2009):
 Hi
Well I didn't leave a husband as such, I had a long term relationship with my ex and it the straw that broke the camels back (so to speak), was a rare day out and our three year old daughter looking gorgeous in a lovely little dress and hair tied up and looking so angelic and something she did or said annoyed him and he blew up at her, he had already broken my trust before this and we were trying to work things out with the help of counselling.
However, looking at her little face with tears streaming down I just couldn't subject her to a life of arguments and never knowing what to expect any more, it was one thing for me to put up with it but to see her little face crumble, I thought what kind of mother am I if I subject her to this indefinitely.
Know your rights first of all, get all the help you can get so you know where you stand. If children are involved then if they are an age to talk to you, find out how they feel about things, are they happy for a start?
Is there arguments or no communication at all?
Do you ever have any fun times together?
Have you tried any counselling of any kind?
I think if you can answer no to any of the above then you need to consider your happiness and also your husband for that matter, is HE content with the way things are right now or are you in the monotony of this marriage, i.e. the routine of life just keeps you plodding on. We plodded for years and it isn't until something snaps as such that you know it is time to do something about it.
You are not 90 so you have a lot of your life left to live, do you want it to be a happy life with fun and laughter or monotony where two people are miserable together but neither one of them is brave enough to say 'look this isn't working any more'.
You have to take the bull by the horns and truly know what you want out of life, after losing my dad two years ago it makes you realise that we are here for such a short time and do you want to be able to look back on your life and say - wow I have no regrets or do you want to say 'if only, I had done x' whatever x may be.
If you are not happy then you are not giving much of yourself to this unhappy relationship.
Find out facts, talk and then make decisions but they must be the right decisions for you and not to make others happy, take on board everything that you hear but ultimately it has to be YOUR decision at the end of the day as YOU are half of this relationship and if only one person is putting anything in and the other is not, what is the point.
There is life after a long term relationship ends and believe me I prefer the life I am leading today than I was when I was with my ex, I am much more happy now and I like me again, if that makes sense. I didn't have as much contact with my friends or do anything apart from pander to him, he was a very controlling man.
However, I am still very close to my ex as a friend, it will only ever be as friend's and nothing more. We are close like a brother and sister and if you can come away from a relationship like that then I think it isn't all bad. However, if I hadn't gone through the counselling - couple counselling and individual counselling I don't think I would be where I am today with my ex.
Keep us posted eh!
BFN
Country Woman
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