A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Anyone, who got a proposal of marriage, which wasn't special in anyway and to be honest, very disappointing, but still said yes to it (because you are certain that he is the one)? How do you deal with it?Women, what do you do after the engagement, which wasn't the way you where dreaming of. I mean, he just aksed, but didn't prepare anything for it and wasn't even nervous about it.Men, why would you ask a women "the questions of questions" but not prepare anything to make the moment special? How would you react after that, if you would realize, that she was disappointed about it?Who do you deal with that?I would like to hear your story of a disappointing engagement and I would like to get some advice how to deal with it!(I really know, that he is the one, I'm just disapointed about the way he asked). Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2015): I was married 12 years. My first proposal was very disappointing. I didn't feel that he cared enough or thought I deserved a romantic proposal. My second proposal was full of sentiments. The 12 year marriage had Something negative to go with each big life event. So my advice is speak up and say something. I wished I'd said no because this doesn't show that I am special to you. I'm not saying never but I don't want to start like this. Could have saved our marriage.
A
female
reader, maudita  +, writes (15 February 2010):
At least you were asked! Mine involved a ring but no proposal. I asked if it was an engagement ring and got the "Well I suppose so" type of response. There's more to this- including cultural differences, but the bottom line is that I'm calling it off. Men don't understand how important this step is in a woman's life. Don't get carried away with romantic scenarios- it's the sincerity that counts- but don't let him get away with leaving you feeling less than special. You'll go on questioning how important you are to him throughout your marriage and will resent him for a long time. Explain your feelings calmly, give him the ring back and asked him to return it to you at a more appropriate time!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (4 August 2009):
 Good job refocusing on the important part. How to get over it.
I'm not good at this part but I will give it my best shot. First, forgiveness and tolerance are paramount in making a marriage work. You need to let it go, stop focusing on it. Second you need to accept that what has happened is part of you two's history. I missed my wife's birthday for the first 3 years. She still tells people how forgetful I am. Now she is able to laugh at it. It is part of who we are. I've been forgiven, I don't have to pay for that mistake every year. A bungled proposal was not what you wanted but it is what you have. Just keep moving forward. There is much better in the future. You can't live in the past and still have a future.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2009): Dear Fatherly Advice
Thanks for your reply!
I know there is a point. That's why I'm asking. I want to know how I could deal with that. I want to get over this, but wasn't able to do it my own so far and I can't talk to anyone else about this.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (3 August 2009):
For some reason the system is not identifying you as the original poster. So I don't get notice of follow up questions.
To answer your Questions:
I asked the same woman 3 times. The first time was the accidental proposal. I had really intended to find out if her intentions had changed. The conversation was over dinner at a nice place. She was quite surprised and not ready to give me an answer, but she said she would think about it. I was quite surprised also. The second time followed in a few weeks. Now comes the tricky part. We had what I thought was an unreasonably long and separated engagement. We were on different continents for 2 years. This had been all set up before we met. And this was before e-mail was easily available. So we kept it going with weekly airmail letters. So when we got back together we started working on the wedding plans. As is common we had the spats and cold feet and the whole works we had put off for 2 years. So one evening a week or 2 before the date of the wedding. While we were driving in the country. I pulled over the car and asked one more time if this was really what she wanted to do. After I got that answer I stopped worrying. I's been 22 years this month.
By the way, we bought the ring together. That is another story.
I really am worried about you though. You seem to be much more upset about not having a fun story to share with your girlfriends, than you have excitement about being engaged to the most wonderful man you know. And to me, that just doesn't feel right.
FA
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2009): Dear Fatherly Advice
Why did you ask three times? Was it always the same woman? It it was, the second time was because of the "maybe", but why did you ask a third time?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2009): but how can I get over this? I try to, but I really don't know what to do... It ok for a few weeks, but everytime someone asks about how it was and stuff, it all comes up...
I don't want to break it all off!
I hope, he will ask again. Don't know if he will... and don't know what to do if he won't. And also I wonder, what can I do that the second time will be special? I mean, the date ist set and everything, he actually doesn't have to ask again. It actually doesn't make any sens...
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female
reader, night gurl +, writes (31 July 2009):
 its not the way he asks you its what happens after
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (31 July 2009):
OK , after reading the follow up I am beginning to see how unhappy this is making you. You can't harbor this resentment into the marriage. It's a recipe for disaster, and divorce. If you can not get over this, you had better break off the engagement.
FA
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2009): Hi, i got proposed to on the 13th of this month, a month b4 my bday. He proposed to me in my rm with no ring. I was excited because i love him and i dnt need a ring to knw he loves me. he took me ring shoppin Tuesday gone.when u truly love someone u dnt care bout da material , i knw im still gettin da ring bt i loved da fact he proposed to me, have asked me to be his wife. I said yes! with a huge smile and a racing heart. I love him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2009): Thanks for your answers!I know, it's not all about the engagement and I really look forwart to get married - to get married to him!But there was also a long story before that. And because of that story, I told him that the proposal will be very important and that - not very direct, because I didn't want to pressure - I expect him to to something nice.When he finaly asked, it was the wrog time and it was all of a very big disappointment, so that I just had to cry, but not because of joy. Now everytime I remember that moment and every time other women will ask me about my engagement, I just feel the disappointment.He knows I'm unhappy about it and I asked him for some kind of a do over. But he went abrod a week after the engagement and he only will come back in September. By that time, will will allready know the date for our wedding and I don't know, if he will ever ask again. And also, I won't be the same, because we will already have set the date and all of our friends and family know the actuall date of our engagement. So i don't know about the meaning of a potential redoing. But I also know, that I will be unhappy if there won't be one.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 July 2009):
 Okay, right. Well, my guy's proposal probably wouldn't qualify as particulary romantic or creative. That being said, I knew he was the one and he knew I was the one. He was very very nervous though, and I appreciate that he managed to get the words out! It's a big deal, and there's a lot of pressure to be picture-perfect, probably because we see these stories around Valentine's day, and see the really creative ones on TV.
You know what? I think that women set themselves up for disappointment in this, and also with how they think the wedding will go. I think many women fantasize and visualize how the proposal will be, white doves being released, the perfect day, the perfect appeal to her from him to marry him because he can't bear to live another day without her as his wife, the perfect ring that has a rock the size of a large blueberry, or small grape. Hell, a large grape for some women.
Then the fantasy extends to the wedding, with the colors and the food and the flowers... This is where the dream may clash with the financial realities of the situation. I was perhaps fortunate that I hadn't spent any time fantasizing the perfect wedding, because then we could design our own, with a budget and which became OUR wedding, not just mine, with him showing up to play his role. I wasn't at all disappointed. Well, when one of the waiters dropped an entire case of beer in the reception room right before the guests were arriving, okay, that wasn't so good. Or the caterer locking the cake inside her van and having to break a window to get it out, not such a good thing either. The point is, the wedding was great, fun, warm, special and memorable. I still get compliments on it nearly 15 years later.
After all, the point of the proposal, the wedding, and all the bits in between, is to facilitate the joining of this couple into a relationship that will hopefully last their whole lives. It's the MARRIAGE that matters in the final analysis, not how you get there.
Maybe I am a teensy weensy tiny bit disappointed I don't have the great proposal story like some of the one's I've heard, but I have NEVER held that against my guy. He's been an awesome husband and I wouldn't trade in any part of this marriage so that we could redo the proposal. Nuh uh. No way. It doesn't mean I don't get to tease him about it from time to time, but I have never been angry or hurt by the lack of planning or preparation he did. He is who he is and I love him. So there. ;)
Focus on what matters, is my advice to you. Back off on your fantasies because you may be setting yourself up for disappointment and resentment. Remember, this isn't now all about you. He's part of the equation and maybe he has some fantasies of his own.
Congratulations! Time to start looking forward to your new future! All the best.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (30 July 2009):
Don't ask me. I'm probably the only man in the history of the world to have proposed accidentally. But, on the subject I do have a thing or two to say. I saw a cartoon once involving a proposal The man had balloons flowers and a lighted sign, he was in a rented tuxedo. There he knelt in front of all this fanfare holding up a tiny engagement ring. The caption read "Sorry the ring is so small I spent it all on the proposal." The point I'm trying to make i s that it is not important how you ask, or even the size of the ring you can supply, what is important is how you deliver on the promises you make at the wedding alter.
It seems that from your viewpoint your guy has a deficient romance muscle. You have dreamed all your life about how he would ask, and about the wedding. He has dreamed all his life about the wedding night. The proposal was just a box to check off an the way there. OK so he needs some training, almost all guys do. Let me tell another story. My grandmother (70 years or so ago) was dating a rather nice guy who volunteered to pick her up from her job at the root beer stand late one Friday. On the way home he started to propose. She stopped him. Made him wait until they got home and she changed into a pink dress. 50 years later she decided that she was being a bit silly at the time. On the other hand it was very nice of grandpa to indulge her in fulfilling her fantasy.
Now, obviously, you are not as pushy as my Grandmother, but what would be wrong with asking for a do over. If he is smart he will learn a bit from it and get more romantic as a result. If not at least you two will have some fun and a few laughs. I would advise against the manta surprise method. Or the football crowd. I just think they are tacky. Personally I asked 3 times before we got married a maybe and two yeses if you want the score.
so to answer your question to the guys: I would deal with it by trying to make it right and do it better! After all my pride is not even close to as important to me as her happiness. As to the preparation well I'm older and wiser now. Hopefully I won't be making any new proposals any time soon. But if I did, The ring would cost about what I can make in 2 weeks (not months). I would ask her in a place and time where she had time to think about it and answer no if she had to, with no pressure. I would look my best. I would have a present even if I hadn't bought the ring yet. I think that covers the important bits.
I really think you should ask for a do over.
FA
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2009): Since you know he is "the one" why not be honest and ask him to do something romantic to ask you? I had the on one knee and had a bad marriage so maybe you get the no knee no nonsense perfect marriage.
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A
female
reader, Charlpop +, writes (30 July 2009):
 I have never been proposed to, but I have grizzly tales from my Mother!She has been married twice, and neither proposal was romantic, and both times she had to go out and buy her own engagement ring! But that doesn't mean that the marriages suffered because of it.I haven't heard much about the first husband, but apparantly it was spur of the moment [reason for complete unromanticness] and he had no time for the engagement or marriage [probably why it failed - after quite a few years of happiness though].Her second husband was utterly afraid of rejection, that's why his proposal was so awful, apparantly, and then he was scared of getting the wrong ring, that's why she had to buy it herself.I hope this sheds a little light, and if you're truly disappointed, you could always have an engagement dinner and truly set the romantic mood to be the real set-off for the engagement.
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