A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing/dating a guy for over a year. He has changed my life in many wonderful ways; I am a much happier, confident person because of him. I love this man very much, more than I have ever loved anyone; he is very kind, very sweet, and very generous. Bearing this all in mind sometimes, without any real explanation, I will just be horrible to him. The most recent example of this behaviour was the other night when he rang to take me out for dinner, but he finished work late and I had already made plans. Instead of being my nice normal self, I was horrible and told him he should have texted me earlier on in the day to make the arrangements. I know for a fact that it would be impossible for him to text me during the day because of his hectic and stressful work schedule. I don’t know why I acted like a spoilt brat. He quite rightly went out for dinner, but took a friend instead - my behaviour ruined not just his night but his weekend. I would be devastated if he acted so ungratefully to me, so why do I do it to him, was it just because I was disappointed that I didn’t get to spend my evening with him? He doesn’t deserve to have someone sharing his life who doesn’t appreciate him, and I’m worried that I’m going to keep creating these arguments.I always tend to assume the worst in him, which is in danger or ruining our future and I don’t know how to break this habit.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (16 May 2011):
It sounds like you have deep insecurities about the relationship and/or about yourself. Insecurity is related to low self esteem or low self confidence. Often, people with low confidence are hypersensitive to events that can be seen as an attack on their self esteem. In other words, if you have low confidence or some deep seated insecurity, then you may have a increased tendency to feel that your wellbeing is threatened. events that are neutral, thus get interpreted as negative and you get into a bad mood. If you're feeling bad, you're likely to lash out or behave unpleasantly.
realize also that no one can make you happy and confident, only you can make yourself happier and more confident. "good" people like your boyfriend can and do build up our confidence (just as "bad" people can tear down your confidence) but only to a certain degree. True intrinsic confidence and self esteem has to come from within yourself. if you're not in possession of an intrinsic sense of wellbeing and confidence, then the "good" feeling that comes from being with someone who's good to you, is fragile and can come crashing down at any small thing such as a neutral event that (due to your insecurities) you perceive to be a threat to your feeling "good".
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (16 May 2011):
 You've already begun to break the habit by admitting it and realizing that there was no reason behind it. Now you have to fight it. When he calls and you receive a bit of bad news, remember that other night and remember why you regret it and think before you speak. Obviously you do appreciate him quite a lot so your relationship is obviously at risk but not in danger yet. Just apologize to him when you can and let him know that it isn't really what you think about him. Just keep fighting that behavior. It'll take some time but with time you will get better and better until you are just naturally a better person to him.
I hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, spinnaker +, writes (16 May 2011):
 HAve you discussed all this with him? Based upon what you say he seems a reasonable man.
One thing that could help you is if you write down some questions or a simple word to bring you back to earth when you feel you are being unreasonable. Keep that piece of paper with you and refer to it when you feel your blood pressure going up.
BAsed upon your example, what are you expecting your boyfriend to do?
It is good that you admit to yourself you have a problem - most people do not get that far.
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