A
female
age
30-35,
*omegirlsighs
writes:I guess the reason i am writing this is because i have nowhere else to turn too. Its a bit detailed, so sorry about the length. I am a complete Freudian case.My father passed away 2 years ago near my birthday.My mother recently was diagnosed with a brain tumorMy aunt is suffering from brain seizures and is in a coma.My grandmother lives all alone in a big house, no one to take care of er and we cannot live with her since we are in a different country.We need to be in this country due to my education and im currently living with my mother since my step father left us.I am afraid that everyone i love will eventually go away. I know that i have no control over death however im a bit, well, curious as to why i have been dealt such a bad hand so early on.Also, no, im not a believer in karma.Just because i suffered an ordeal does not make me think that my life will be peaches and creme from now on.There are many more that have suffered worse however i still feel like i have almost developed trust issues.Especially commitment issues. I push people away before they get close enough just so i wont have to live through the pain of losing them.This leads me to the point of my story.When i started school i met the wackiest of all teachers.His pure enthusiasm and um...weirdness was enough to make feel happy. My friend almost immediately developed a crush on him and we spent the year talking about him and his antics. I held no emotional ties to him.Then the year after that i had not been assigned to his class so i forgot all about him.The year after that i did get assigned to his class and the first day back, he came up to me and started talking about his class. Now i can hardly describe my teacher. I can go on about his good looks, his charms and how he makes my heart melt. But i wont. Because he didnt. Instead he was the one man in my life who was there for me. Not because it was his intention but because i subconsciously assigned him that role. He almost became like a father and i was sometimes disappointed in him and he was sometimes disappointed in me but we always were around each other. Before school, lunch, after school. All my friends noticed our interactions and chalked it up to flirting but it was not like that for me at all. I never felt that he ever gave me any hint that he felt romantically about me and neither did i. But i do feel like i loved him in a way. I was all facets of me with him. Sarcastic/ funny/angry/sad/jovial/depressed. To the point where he knew me and i knew him.Once again i cannot really describe our interactions since its a little hard but i felt almost like i lived for him. I excelled in his class and my friends were a bit stunned at is behavior towards me. I guess an example would be when a friend and i went up to him to ask a question after school and he barely looked at her while he spoke and turned his body to me. His behavior, personality and everything has made him so important, so vital to me.And he moved two days ago.His wife and him moved away but before that i gave him a book as a present and he told me there was no one like me and that i would be missed.My question is...will this always happen?will i always be left behind?Im not stupid enough to think that he moved away because of me but my point is basically this:In life, how will i trust or love someone (some of my guy friends who have wanted to pursue a relationship, have called me cold and incapable of love) when everyone will leave?What do i do to start afresh?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2010): your fear of being left! I had it too..honestly! I still do feel that way in someways just doesnt bother me to the extreme anymore. im so sorry for all the pain you've endured. i knw its life and its worst because its nothn we can do about most pains in life..I want to be considerate to your heart but I Also want to be helpful ok? look everyone leaves!! that is the sad truth..let me explain, life is short and eventually alls eventual!! you have to learn to live your life and be happy for the people we meet and the time we get to spend with them. some people fall in love and get married and end up spendn their life 2gether and some people dnt. that doesnt mean itll never happen for you.. you have to allow someone to get close to you or you'll always feel the way you do..you can't escape heartache of any kind in life no matter how much you keep urself barred up. we meet some people who are meant to stay in our lives and we meet some people who are meant to pass through..but with all that its memories, lessons and wisdom.. you've learned alot already but dnt put it all to negative.. you're strong if you wasnt you wouldnt of opened up, up here! give yourself some credit. everything takes time and some more time than others.. you will be ok. you will get over pain and you will regain the sight of happiness in life again..people dnt always leave because they want too!! god has a plan for everyone. love and be loved dnt hide forever because noone wants to leave her without havent had love at all!! I hope some of this helps you, I truly do because I felt so much of what you're feeling to the point it messed up everything in my life at one point..dnt let it do the same to yours, fear is a horrible feeling and the fear of losing everyone is worse, but you have to try everyday to see past that!! just think of how many people you're suppose to meet in life? dnt take that away because you're scared to be left..you have lives to touch too and u probably just never knew that or thought of it that way..please feel better because its no life at all hiding from it.
A
male
reader, Racna1305 +, writes (21 November 2010):
 hmmm, it isnt easy but it isnt impossible. Thing is, you cant let lifes problems form who you are. If we all did that everyone here would be suicide cases. Your biggest problem is you are focusing to much on the bad in your life and not the good, start naming out all the things good about yourself. Example your health, you are able to walk and breath. You have a home as where others do not. You are getting an education where as others are suffering with minimum wage jobs for the rest of their lives due to lack of it. Train yourself to think of something positive everytime you think of something negative. Doing so I bet you will feel better about yourself, its a slow process but it works. I know trhis from experience, I hated myself trusted no one, suffered from depression but I did exactly what im telling you to do. If you are religous get more involved in your church and use that spiritual help. Man everyone calls me cold, but im no where near what i use to be. Try it out and see, message me if you'd like.
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