A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my girlfriend for 5 years now and this year was the year I was going to ask her to marry me, we're both 28.She recently came back from a night out with work and woke me to tell me that she and a guy from work had kissed.We have talked about it and she says she loves me but isn't in love with me anymore, that the spark has gone etc etc but that she didn't know of any reason why this has happened.We have spent nights apart where I've been home for weekends and she's stayed over at friends houses to get space. and see what we wanted.I have made on grave error in all this though in trying to give her her space. One night she went out on a girly night and I went out with my friends and she text me saying "she wanted to kill herself right now".I responded with a text saying why was she ok? Eventually she said she was fine and was going to meet the guys from work instead.It turns out that I definitely missed a blatant cry for help and this really upset her and made her feel alone. She has really put up the barriers from this point.She recently went on our holiday with a girlfriend as she didn't think it would be appropriate that we went together, and I said I didn't want to go and though it would be good to have space as we live together and neither of us can go anywhere else so we see each other every day.I still have all the feelings for her and i'm still in love with her, which she doesn't understand as she keeps saying I should be angry and not want to be with her.But I've been angry, I just don't rant and rave about it which she knows. I go quiet. While she was away I we thought it would be a good time to get space between us, and I took it as an opportunity to give her the space she said she needed. So I made the conscious effort of not contacting her unless she contacted me.The day she left I had 4 texts, one of which saying "the hotel was fantastic, I'm not going to enjoy this now :(" and other being "I hoped getting away would help but its not :("I was polite I replied to the first text with a simple "X" and replied to the second one saying something like things would not be sorted in a week and that she should enjoy herself. I didn't want to read into it to much but it was as if she wanted me to be there.She has since come back from this week away and things haven't changed All this has stemmed from an drunken argument (we never really argue, and it wasn't even a bad one) where we said we'd travel for 6 months to a year as a honeymoon and I said I could probably get a trf with work to be able to work abroad and travel. She blew her top at this saying why was she with me we want different things etc etc, when this was the first time it had ever been discussed. And it was never discussed since. Though she has kept all of this in for 3 months and then this, (i.e. she thought that I didn't want to marry her yet she thought I wouldn't ask for another 2 years, she thought I wanted to stay in London and live down here when she wanted to move back north eventually, the honeymoon travel thing, and she always had her life plan of the first child by 30 and thought that I didn't want this).I knew what she wanted with her life plan and the reason behind it and how much it meant to her but none of this was ever brought up or discussed before, and could all have been talked through.So although she says her heart is 50/50, in her head she has made up her mind and moved on.Earlier this week after chatting it showed that we did want the same things, but she thought different and that's she's saying it's to late is utterly unbearable. And she was saying its overShe's felt like her wants, goals, needs and desires were not going to be fulfilled so what is the point of us.I brought this up with her and said I saw me asking her this year, Marriage,probably 2 more years in London, then kids. She has always wanted her first child at 30, and I said with everything we wanted to do this would be 31. She couldn't believe all this, as it means we wanted the same thing and through lack of talking, she's convinced herself out of it all.Last night she finally told me the issues which were all of what I have mentioned above and says it's to late cause in her head she has moved on, and cant be with me (because love you not in love with you feelings). And says she wants out to get and away from it all. She says she wouldn't be able to get back with me as it would bring up bad memories of her doing this to me and she has convinced herself that it must not be right.She says that she couldn't marry me in the future cause it would again remind her of this time when she found out that I was going to ask her, and she ruined it all.She now says she doesn't believe me and thinks I am saying it to keep her, even though I mentioned it to her before last night when she opened up.So we wanted the same things and all of this has come through not talking about it all. I'm not a mind reader and I do shoulder the blame and I am kicking myself for the fact that I didn't call her when she text me saying she wanted to kill herself as this was obviously a huge cry for help. I was the one who should have been there and I wasn't.Its plainly obvious that we wanted the same things, its through lack of talking that this has been blown out of proportion.She has put her barriers up, and I can't see how this can be it when we want the same things. The only thing now is that I feel she is trying to protect her heart, and feels that her dreams have been broken. All through not talking. Now we've talked about it she doesn't believe it.She is the one, I still want to marry her, travel, and have kids.Is it to late? I don't know. I really hope not.She said last night for now she just needs space (not that its over), so maybe there is still something there.I can give her that, and I'll just have to be strong enough for the both of us through this.I can't give up on her, my best friend, my girlfriend, the person I wanted to have kids with and was ready to spend the rest of my life with.What should I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2008): I don't know if she is confused by what she wants now or not. As she is not phisical towards me at all anymore. She won't even hold my hand, and turns her check if I were to kiss her good night.
We still share the same bed, though she has said that she needs to get out and move out of our flat to get her space, this is unfortunately not possible as we can not get out of the lease. She has stayed at a freinds flat last night and I beleive she is going to do the same again tonight and over the weekend. I've had no contact from her, no texts or emails and I'm finding that hard as we always contact each other.
I don't know if she's still battling with things or has made up her mind.
The hard thing is will be giving her space. Does this mean no texting / email her at all unless she contacts me?
I feel the next few weeks are important ones, I've hurt her and afer not being there for her on the evening she was feeling so low. And I don't know if she can forgive me that
I haven't a clue what move to make next.
A
male
reader, LonelyButNotAlone  +, writes (21 August 2008):
 It sounds like you've been doing everything you can to make things work.You give her space when she needs it, offer her support when she needs that.It sounds like she knows what she wants... but she's had sort of a "picture of how things ought to be" all wrapped up in her head and it's starting to come unraveled now due to a lack of communication between the two of you.If you really love her and are willing to hold out for the hope that things will work out, just give her the time she needs, it's all you can do. I know it's hard man. I'm going through something similar myself.
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