A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Almost a year ago, on a visit to our son and his family, his 2 children aged 12 and 13 asked us for help in dealing with their dad. The boy in particular was having a difficult time, being snapped at and criticised relentlessly (we had already seen evidence of this in the previous hour). The girl said she thought her father needed advice on anger management. Both related incidents which were alarming and the kids were very upset about the family situation, which they described as splitting at the seams. The issue was not physical abuse, but certainly a strong degree of mental and emotional pressure. Both parents are ex-Navy, and their style is at best abrupt; the boy was finding it difficult to hold it together in school and had already told his tutor that he having problems with his father.When we pointed out to the children that we would have to respond in some way to what they had told us(the point at which kids withdraw details if they have for any reason been exaggerating) they said that this was exactly why they were confiding in us, as they did not know what to do. We agreed that the best approach was for me to speak to their mother that evening, outlining the children's concerns. i did this, when the rest were out collecting a takeaway; she was distressed, i put my arms round her and comforted her, and she told me that she would speak to our son that night. The next day the children reported (we were stayin gin a nearby hotel) that there had been a family conference with an apparently satisfactory outcome. However, on the following day when we went to collect the children for our last excursion, neither they or their mother was there. Our son told us that his wife had been affronted by my "attack" on her, and he wished us to leave at once. We drove the 300m miles home in a state of shock and despair. we have not seen the children since, although we did contact their school and alerted them to the weekend's events, so that the children's welfare and concerns could be monitored from that angle at least.We are sad beyond words at this appalling family rift. We recognise that our daughter in law must have her reasons for so brutally misrepresenting the situation. This does not diminish our concerns for the children, however; the reaction of the parents seems to corroborate the children's account of their attitude and behaviour, in fact. We are confident that the children will know how much we love them, but this too is no comfort for the complete loss of any contact with them.Has anyone out there any comments or ideas? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe comments received to date have been very helpful, outlining in each case an angle we had not considered. Very grateful indeed for the time and thoughtfulness of the respondents.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2008): HiI would not be too sure about who is at fault here and uite possibly it could be your son who has lied to cver his tracks. Is he a secret alcoholic? If there is verbal abuse etc going on which i think certainly is the case, then somewhere within this relationship there is possibly DISTORTIONS of truth. Verbal and mental abuse is hard to detect and prove but a very serious issue and most definately is effecting the children. But do expect a possible futher rift as there is a good chance social services may get involved. I think you have done the right thing because many familys have to suffer in silence and have no outside support.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (21 August 2008):
 How awful. You sound like such brilliant grandparents! I'm not too sure how the law stands where grandparents are concerned myself, but i would see if you can get some sort of order in place to see them. I'm sure they were talking about getting more rights implimented for grandparents a while ago.I guess you have tried Citizens advice though?My ex used to go on at his 11 yr old daughter to the point where she would cry. Basically being a bully because he was under a lot of financial stress at the time. But because i am not related to her, there was nothing i could do. Its heartbreaking.I dont really know what else to suggest apart from the CAB or even a solicitor. I hope someone else has been through a similar experience and can give you an avenue for a positive outcome. If your son and his wife put their children first, then surely they wouldn't deny them contact with grandparents that are quite obviously very caring members of their family! Its crazy.Hope you get it sorted and post in here how it goes.Good luck.C xxx
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