A
female
age
41-50,
angela75
writes:There are several varieties of relationships available. You can choose between open or closed, serious or not serious or the ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement that is currently popular. Which ever you choose, he must agree with it or the relationshipis over before it has begun. If he wants something different and negotiation is not possible, then just say goodbye.Within a relationship, of any kind, fair is fair and effective communication is key. This means if you want him to do this, you had better be prepared to do that. Talk with him not at him. Listen to him without looking for hidden meanings or defensively filtering his message. The ’silent treatment’ and the ‘using sex as a reward’ treatment are childish games. Any use of them immediately diminishes your credibility.Whatever your past has been, focus upon this man, right here, right now. He should not have to pay for others’ past crimes. No ‘past thinking’. He is not solely responsible for the future of this relationship. No ‘future thinking’. All relationships are a teameffort. If you cannot talk about the issue sensibly as anadult, either it wasn’t important, so you drop it, or you are too close to it and need more time to think it through. There is no such thing as ‘making up’, there are only problems solved.Do not demand exclusivity unless you are prepared to marry him right then and there. While you are dating, you have only those rights over him that he chooses to give you. You cannot make demands, other than condom usage and respectful treatment, and be thought of as an adult. You do not own him. You do own yourself so take control ofyour life – be a whole person with a wonderful life before you go seeking someone to share it with you. This is what you must do if you wish to have any credibility at all and not just with men.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (16 September 2010):
Hi there. Yes, I agree with all that you've said.
Making it clear about what each wants from the relationship is pretty important as well. It can't be talked about on the first date obviously, but you didn't say that - it's understood. In any case, once it is established that you are actually a couple, well then at some point if there is any doubt especially, it is necessary to make sure you are both on the same page, and that your needs are similar.
More misunderstandings occur, when couples just make an assumption that they want the same thing, but never talk about it at all - until something happens! It's a bit late then, as the horse has bolted. But really, it's never too late to clarify things between you.
Whenever you have to talk about important stuff (like the relationship), just remember - it's not what you say, but how you say it that really counts. It's all about good, clear communication. No beating about the bush, don't keep people guessing.
And if you have to bring up a subject that could bring about an argument, always think before you speak, and be loving, respectful and considerate of the other's feelings. Then you will be sure to have a much more meaningful outcome. You want to keep them onside, and whatever you do, do not criticise them - always stay positive. We all like to feel good about ourselves. This means when we discuss things, that we compliment our partner on positive things about themselves - but don't mention anything negative, just leave it unsaid. Don't even hint at it in any way either - that's just as bad as saying it (and therefore criticising them), you don't want that.
There is so much to being in a relationship, but doing all those things you have spoken about, all help to make it a wonderful experience all round.
Thank you for this helpful information. Take care and best wishes.
A
male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (16 September 2010):
 "Listen to him without looking for hidden meanings or defensively filtering his message. The ’silent treatment’ and the ‘using sex as a reward’ treatment are childish games. Any use of them immediately diminishes your credibility"
Amen to that.
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