A
female
age
41-50,
*L1994
writes:Can two insecure people have a healthy relationship?My partner and I have both had bad experiences with relationships in the past (my partner more than me) and so we both have various insecurities. Those insecurities seem to manifest themselves regularly and cause many arguments and tension (more so on his part than mine). We have been together almost two and a half years and we can be fine for 6 months or so and then the insecurities will rear their ugly head and it's almost like we are back to square one again. We have split up several times and the last time was a few months ago. I was upset, even though I was the one that initiated the split, but I began to feel more confident about myself. We are now trying to sort things out and I feel my insecurites coming back again. I am feeling needy towards him, like I'm craving his attention and I hate feeling like this. It's like I have no control over myself again and he is the one in control. Is this a relationship that will just never work?? Honest opinions please
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female
reader, MsVick  +, writes (1 December 2010):
 Seek counseling to help you sort out these insecurities and then you can work towards having a healthy relationship. It sounds like you maybe co dependent and also you do not want to be dependent upon this guy for your happiness. Find happiness within your own self.
Good luck,
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): You particulary need to address whatever issues you feel you have. You don't detail them but there are many self help books out there which can help you discover why do what you do or feel. If you both want the relationship to work and it is basically sound beyond your own insecurities then try sticking with it. But realising that things can be destroyed through obsessive behaviour.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): Everyone has insecurities to some degree or another, so don't be too hard on yourself!
Insecurities *can* destroy a relationship, but only if allowed to. Sometimes, it's the relationship itself that triggers them.
However, as long as both parties openly recognise their own insecurities (and the signs when they are starting to affect their behaviour), and can put techniques into place to "head them off at the pass", it is possible to prevent these issues taking over.
You obviously acknowledge your side of things, but does your boyfriend also recognise his? In my experience, the most significant problems arise between two insecure people when only one person acknowledges their 'issues' but the other refuses to.
Assuming you are both aware of your insecurities, have you tried talking openly about them?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): A relationship should not be as difficult as you describe. Relationships are supposed to add breadth and dimension to our lives, not complicate them. The dynamic between the two of you is not, in my opinion, a healthy one. Some people ultimately just push our buttons the wrong way, and that's the way it is with them. I recently had a similar experience with a friend who I had to cut loose because of the topsy-turvy nature of the relationship. We both had issues, and it simply was not meant to be. At some point, you have to ask the question: am I better off without this person in my life?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): I think you have hit the nail on the head you are both frightened due to past experiences. You need to make a conscious decision to agree to talk about things openly and honestly before they manifest themselves and you end up breaking up over something which is in the past and you havent been able to let go of and move on from.
It might be good to have a 'cards on the table' open and honest discussion about why you are frightened to trust and what this means to you. Then you can try taking small steps towards building this up between you. It is possible if you love each other enough and really want this to work. If you dont think you can do this alone then maybe a counsellor would be able to give you some pointers on how to communicate better.
Dont give up on something if its good. Good love is hard to find and if you have something special it really is worth persevering. Tell him you love him and need him in your life and how special he is to you.
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