A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So.. right or wrong I'm writing this letter to my ex and sending it via the internet. I wrote to him a few weeks ago, and we spoke for a while and then he just didn't answer me. The last thing I said was "I'm glad you're happy". That was a week ago so I'm thinking of sending him this letter:========== While I didn't expect that when I contacted you we would become best friends or anything, I guess I did expect the courtesy of a goodbye when the conversation was over. Silly me. So I'm going to say goodbye because I don't know if you ever realized this, but we've never said those words to each other. I want you to know that I contacted you because though it was over a decade ago that we were together, I still care about what happens to you. Maybe that's silly but it's the truth. I wanted to know that you were okay, I don't know what I would have done if you weren't, but nevertheless, I wanted to know. It seems that you are happy with your life and I'm genuinely glad to know it. I do wish you lots of happiness... which is good because I used to wish you bodily harm. Last time we spoke on the phone, you told me that you wanted to know if I forgave you. Do you remember that? I told you that I couldn't. I want you to know that I do forgive you, and not only that but that I know that I was not an innocent victim and that I am sorry for any pain I caused you all those years ago. I was young and stupid, and there are many things I wish I had done differently. Lastly, I want you to know that I will never forget you. You will forever hold a special place in my heart. I told you once or maybe 100 times how I would always love you and though through the years that love has changed, it hasn't wavered. I'm sure that I will think of you often and I hope that when you think of me, that you remember only the good times. Perhaps we'll never see each other or speak or write or anything ever again, so if that's true I wanted you to know all this and I needed to say goodbye... so, Goodbye HisNameHere.=========Do you think this will give me closure.. because I desperately need closure.
View related questions:
best friend, my ex, the internet Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2009): ****Original Poster****So I sent it. And as soon as I did, I realized it didn't matter what he thought. I NEEDED to say these things because I've been imagining saying them to him for years. I also realized that I actually DO forgive him and that's what I've been carrying around for all these years. My letter was honest and all these years I couldn't be honest with him because I was ashamed of how I felt. But feelings aren't right or wrong. I didn't just need to write it, I needed him to know it and the truth is a great weight has been lifted. I don't have to regret not saying what I feel... I don't have to wonder if he knows or cares.With that said, I totally expected no answer. But this morning, he apparently responded right away. He writes:+++++When you first contacted me my heart skipped a beat and then began to race. I've never forgotten you nor have I ever truly gotten over you.You were truly very special to me and all other women in my life have been compared to you and none have made me feel the way that you did and I find myself looking back at our time together very fondly.I'm sorry you felt that I brushed you off without saying goodbye. I thought you had done exactly that to me as I never got a reply.=======I don't really know how I feel about this. A little upset I suppose as it's actually too late. I should have told him how I felt a long time ago, when maybe there was a chance for us but there isn't now. But I feel better knowing that he cares and that he knows I care. At this point, that's the best I could ask for.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2009): I think the problem with this letter is that deep down you are saying all of the things to him that you have wanted him to say to you over the years-about you being forever in his heart etc-maybe you feel it would give you comfort to know you meant that much to him. I think maybe part of you hopes that he will reply and reciprocate those feelings and if he doesn't there's the chance that you may feel even worse and that you didn't infact mean anything even if you did. You need to prepare yourself for this.Also the thing that you say about you continually recontacting each other and then disappearing again- well sending this letter is no guarantee that this will make it stop on his part- it might be closure for you but not for him, you can't control or predict his actions.Having said this-i have a feeling that you are going to send this letter anyway and that you need to. You have obviously tried for ten years to gain to closure so if you think this will honestly help you then do it. Even if a small part of you does hope that he will come back to you i guess it does no harm to have one final check. It's not quite the same but i recently broke up with my boyfriend of a year who i loved so much, i thought i would die when we broke up and still do feel heartbroken, but we had broken up a few times before and tried and tried to make it work despite his constant changing his mind and clear lack of committment to me. The last time when he did something that we both knew we could not come back from, we decided it was the final time even though i knew part of him did love me very much too but he said he couldn't carry on hurting me. Well after two weeks and no sign of us getting back together yet still texting etc i decided i had to either have him in my life completely or not atall if i was ever to get over it. I text him out of the blue saying i knew it was out of the blue but that i loved him and missed him so much and if there was any chance I would give it another go. I just needed to check before i let go forever and moved on. He said no which I expected so I told him I needed no contact for a while- what i meant is never again. This sounds harsh but i think similarly to you, i have accepted that i cannot move on with my life unless i completely erase the option of us ever being together again. I couldnt say it out loud to him-but mainly because of the bad way in which he treated me and things i have found out since, i dont ever intend to contact him again. It's been so hard, but it's been a month now. I think that as it has for me, it will give you some kind of closure. If he doesn't respond you can always say that you gave him the opportunity, he didn't take it and so you had your answer...i think that this is what you're looking for, you do not want to live on false hope any longer. the way I saw it when I sent that text was that there are three possible outcomes of you sending this letter and all of them can be taken as positives- 1. He replies saying he misses you and still wants you back-you can take or leave this option yet i suspect from what you said that it is unlikely to happen 2. He will reply and reciprocate all of your words and say goodbye- closure for you, you will know what you meant to him and can move on 3. He will not reply atall-take this as the end, you have tried, he does not want to know and so you can console yourself with the fact that if you were really meant to be together there is no way he would let you slip away so easily, you can move on completely guilt free and erase all those what-ifs. I agree that it is probably best he does not reply either way since if he reciprocates those feelings it may leave you torturing yourselves of why then you are not together if you still love each other etc. I really hope this helps because i really do feel for you x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2009): Reflection: For years, I regretted a lot coinciding a love interest I pushed away. Dreams haunted me at every corner. Thinking about her often times killed me slowly. After having a brief phone chat with her a few weeks prior, I wrote a letter last year in April and postal mailed it to where she lived.
A small part of me had hoped she would read it and somehow come back to me OR even better, called me up or showed up at my door just to talk. Alas, nothing like that happened. However, after I mailed it out and waited for about a week or so, I felt a massive weight lifted off my shoulders. My heart literally stopped aching a billion fold. That letter was my closure. Whether she read it or not, didn't matter that much.
However, let's put it this way: I will never in the future, ask if she had gotten my letter. If I asked and she said no, then that closure I wanted would be broken. If I ever see her in the future, I may nod and greet her and go on my way.
Of course, this is relative to the individual and since as strangers we don't know anything about you, we can only give you an opinion and/or a reflection.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2009): Natasia is right! This is a perfect example of an "unsent letter" which gives closure without the other person feeling your vulnerability.
I don't know if there is a hidden agenda here, besides closure, maybe you are hoping he will realize that it's been you who he wants all along...or some similar fantasy. But 9 out of 10 times, it doesn't work out that way, especially after 10 years! If I sent a letter like that to my son's father (which I would never do, because I don't feel that way about him) he would probably get a good laugh out of it and delete it, never to think of it or me again! You may not mean to, but you sound a little bit desparate and pathetic. You are saying one thing but even we can read between the lines! I would leave well enough alone. Get over it, keep your dignity, and move on! Ten years is long enough to hang on to a memory of that sort!
Learn from your mistakes and try not to make the same ones again. Use this experience to create a better relationship next time!
It is up to you whether you send the email or not, but since you asked, I vote NO!
Good Luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2009): I sincerely hope he doesn't contact me. This post-break up saga has gone on quite long enough. Each time with one of us finding then contacting the other and then one of us vanishing from the face of the earth only to resurface again a couple of years later. It has to be over... once and for all because I can't risk him popping up again. Every time he does he throws my world into chaos. I need to say goodbye and I need him to know I'm saying goodbye. This IS me, letting go.
...............................
A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (27 February 2009):
 Hmm. It might give you closure, but I suspect that somewhere, subconsciously, you are thinking that he couldn't possible not respond to such an emotionally vulnerable plea. And then he won't reply, and then you'll still be upset about it.
I have things in my past like this - two, to be precise. I sometimes think of the two people, and have a desperate desire to talk to them, so I do ... in my mind. I don't allow myself to contact them.
You need to let off steam, and writing the letter in itself was probably good for you, but that doesn't mean you have to send it. I don't think sending it will change things much, apart from making sure that your ex won't contact you again. You see, I know how you feel, I can see and hear it, but the letter comes across as quite bitter in places, and a bit obssessed. This is 10 years ago. You need to let go of him. He is gone. Whoever you knew back then just isn't here any more. He has lived 10 years of life without you, and will live the rest of it without you. He probably doesn't want you to keep on loving him, or even thinking about him. This seems harsh, but it's the truth. You need to find someone else and something else in your life. You don't need him. I don't know what he did, but you certainly don't need him. You must let go.
...............................
A
female
reader, liv1143 +, writes (27 February 2009):
 i think that it is a kind thing to let him know your feelings. so you should send him the letter if you havent already. by sending the letter, im sure it will help you some, but if there are still any feelings that you feel are still there, perhaps there wasnt all the closer you needed. if there arent any more feelings there, you should be content with the fact that he is happy and well, and that you have a whole new beginning, unknown possibilities of new people you can meet.(you could be happily married for all i know...) that should be all the closure you need. :) hope all is well.
...............................
A
male
reader, urbanking99 +, writes (27 February 2009):
Dear ?Only you can ever tell by sending this letter will it give you closure. If you feel this is the best way to unburden yourself and be able to move on then YOU HAVE TO DO IT. Maybe just the act of writing it down and then destroying it will it release you from the stress you are obviously carrying. Have you spoken to a real friend some one you trust implicitly.I too have a similar type of letter I need to write to my ex-girlfriend even though we are still in touch, there are things I need to say to her and her alone. I have only learnt this by speaking to my best friend (female) and though it will not change the situation, like you I will always love that person for who they are, not what they were or who they might become, just because they are somone very special. Few people come by in life like this so as always live for the moment. I wish you all the best for the future and trust that you find love again very soon. Remember before you love someone else you have to love yourself 100%.
...............................
|
