A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and i of 5 years have been going through some rough times but were really trying to get through them. I have trust issues even though i know he would never do anything. Well i just became the worst hippocrite because i recently fooled around with his best friend. It was quick and it wasn't sex. I was very drunk not that thats an excuse but i lost control for a couple minutes. I cried immediately after it happened. I feel so guilty that i did the thing that i always said i would never do. If i tell him he will for sure end it and it will probably be even more devistating that it was with his friend. I will never do it again and it caused me to regain the love i had lost for him from the problems we were having. Should I tell him? What should I do? Will the guilt ever go away? I know it would be worse if it was sex but cheating is cheating. I never thought i could have done something like this and it makes me hate myself. I deserve all the guilt i feel but i wish it would go away eventually. Just need some advice...
View related questions:
best friend, drunk Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Joco West  +, writes (28 October 2010):
Omg. I've got to be dreaming. Am in the same situation as you right now.. Only that the guy involved is not a friend to my boyfriend. I'm so clueless about what to do. Pls ill like to know if you told your boyfriend and want eventually happened. I have been with mine for 3yrs+ and I slipped for d first time 2weeks ago. Its funny how its made me desire my bf more and I'm determined More than ever before to be perfect for him. I love him so much. Pls help
A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (1 June 2010):
 While you never know how you'd react till you are in that exact situation, if I was your boyfriend I'd like to think I'd react in this way:
1. I'd be furious at my so called "friend" for even trying it. The instant I found out he would no longer be my friend. I've been attracted to the girlfriend or wife of good friends of mine but I would never act on them because they are my friends. They trust me just like I trust them.
2. I'd be more hurt than mad at you at first. That would be more raw emotion than anything else. Once I got a chance to process everything I'd take into consideration everything... including our past together, and the fact that you pushed him away. Though some trust may be shaken in you, in the end more anger would be focused on my now ex-friend.
I can also tell you this: If I found this out a year, two years or even longer after.... I'd be more hurt. I'd feel like both you and my friend were hiding it from me... like you two had feelings for each other. Not only that, but if I was still hanging out with my "friend" as usual, I'd feel like a complete idiot hanging around with him when both of you knew what happened, but I didn't.
Your boyfriend should really know about this. It happened, and while maybe you could have pushed his hand away sooner... you still pushed it away in the end. 5 years is a long time to get to know somebody. After telling him this, he should know what kind of a person you are. If this isn't a common thing for you to do, than I'd like to think he'd understand.
No matter what, telling him wouldn't be easy. He'd be hurt by you and upset by what his "friend" did. But this is different than cheating. You stopped his friend. But if you fear it's his friend's word against yours and you are worried your boyfriend will choose believing his friend over you, then that's up to your boyfriend. But you have to think about this - if he chooses his lying friend who tries to finger you (his own girlfriend) OVER his girlfriend of 5 years, then is he somebody you should be with anyway?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell anyone would agree he is a very good looking guy so i guess i'm attracted to him but i don't have feelings for him in that way (although he has also become a really good friend of mine). Again I don't want to blame the alcohal but i know for a fact that i would have stopped anything before it even started if i wasn't so intoxicated.im just so messed up from this.I really don't want to hurt him. The reason i feel guilty is because i could have pushed his hand away before it got close but i didn't. Who do you think is more in the wrong me, him or both of us? (think of it as if you were in my bfs position).I really don't know what to do. Thanks so much for all you help by the way TimmD
...............................
A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (27 May 2010):
Do you have any feelings for his friend or are you attracted to him at all? I'm not asking you if you'd rather be with him over your boyfriend, I'm just curious if part of the reason you feel guilty is because a part of you was ok with him doing what he did.
Also, do you know why you didn't stop him immediately? I'm not asking this to judge you, I'm just curious and trying to help.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThats where im conflicted timmD. The fact i let it happen at all makes me feel like its my fault too but another part of me thinks the friend is more in the wrong...I think my boyfriend will view me as being equally at fault too so i don't know if this particular situation even makes a difference. His friend knew how drunk i was but i should have stopped him right away. Its such a tricky situation i don't know how to go about it at all or if i should just leave it be and take all this guilt. I just feel so bad for my bf as he already has so much to deal with in life and me and his friends are supposed to be the few "good" people he has in his life. I still want to be that person for him. Even if he did find out or i did tell him, im afraid his friend will spin the storey and say something like i came onto him or something like that. It would kill him if he knew of this.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2010): you say trust means everything to him - what will happen if somehow his best friend blabs that he touched your privates? i know what happened did while you were drunk and that you did not have sex with his friend BUT if somehow your bf found out, then what?
that is something you need to be aware of. one thing i know: men very rarely SHUT THEIR MOUTHS. you may be able keep your mounth shut but what about his friend? and laso, what happens now between you and his friend? this cannot just go away. "something" happened that shouldn't. both you and his friend crossed boundaries . perhaps you need to ease off the booze? and also steer clear from his friend. whether his friends likes you or not is not your concern. he must respect your relationship and he must respect your bf.
...............................
A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (26 May 2010):
Well, here's what I think: I think you're making yourself out to be the bad guy here when you shouldn't. And the longer you don't tell your boyfriend, the more guilty you're going to seem when you shouldn't. Whether you like it or not, HE actually did the touching, and while maybe you should have stopped him a little sooner... the fact remains that you DID stop him. He initiated it, he did the touching, and you stopped him.
I suggest telling your boyfriend the truth. All of it. But you have to get out of your head that it was YOU who did something wrong. He took advantage of you. You were intoxicated, which I always say isn't a reason to cheat on somebody as in sex or more, but it does allow people to get taken advantage on smaller levels. Tell him the truth because the longer you keep it a secret the more it looks like it actually meant something to you and that you didn't want him to find out.
If I was your boyfriend I would be pissed at this "best friend". That is not best friend behavior... reaching into your best friend's girlfriend's pants. He's the jerk, and you have all of this guilt because of that. Tell your boyfriend the truth, show him how upset your are about it and how much it's killing you. Tell him you didn't want him to do it, tell him how much you cried afterwards. If you would have had sex with the guy, that is knowing and willfully cheating. You were put in a VERY difficult position because he is your BF's best friend and essentially cornered.
You need to tell him the truth so your boyfriend knows what kind of a friend he has and so you can get rid of this unnecessary guilt.
Once again, you did nothing wrong.
PS: you can forget any of my previous posts in this thread... they were based on the fact that you actually cheated with sex, etc. This changes everything.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe touched me down there and the reason i feel bad is because i didn't stop it right away so i feel just as much at fault. Its weird but i think i would feel worse if we kissed for some reason so im glad that nothing else happened but i still feel really bad.
...............................
A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (26 May 2010):
Well, not to get too personal here, but what exactly happened? It wasn't sex, it wasn't kissing, then what? The only reason I ask is because you may be beating yourself up for nothing here. Describe what happened and that may change a lot of our opinions here.
When we hear the word "cheating" we figure sex or some variation including oral (which you ruled out), or heavy making out and kissing (which you now ruled out also). If he forced himself on you and started touching you in places then that isn't cheating, that would be pressure from him. Whether you somewhat liked it or not for a split second, it doesn't mean it's something you would have initiated from a desire.
Let us know...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys for all your input its very helpful. To those who thought i made out with him and stuff, we never kissed, it wasn't like that. I didn't do any of the touching, I just let it happen a second longer than i should have. I would not define myself as a cheater or promiscuous. Iv been with this person since i was young, and he is my first. I have a lot to workout for myself as well as in my relationship and i know that. For my relationships sake I hope this experience can some how make me a better person and it can be a mistake that i learn from greatly. I know I deserve the guilt i feel, but i really do hope that it subsides with time.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (26 May 2010):
 The guilt will never go away but if you confess it before God and asked for His forgiveness,it will not bring you pain anymore.
You need to forgive yourself too and don't be too harsh in judging yourself.
God has a way to teach us when we have the wrong perspective.
As to tell him or not,I think you should be the one to decide.Not every case is the same . Some maybe able to accept it while others would be devastated.
Telling him would only transfer your guilt to him. It is better you bear the guilt yourself than to give it to him.
You will have to take the calculated risk and whatever will happen will happen anyway.For every thing you do , you will have to pay a price.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2010): Dnt tell him, you will loose him. If there's no way he can find out dnt mess things up dnt tell him you will regret it more.. good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, shadowonawall +, writes (26 May 2010):
NONE of this is about you and your quilt. Yes he has a right to know who he is dating what kind of girl you are. You let it happen for whatever reason and whos to say it wont happen again. He will be more pissed off if he finds out he was the last one to know about your make our session. Maby he wont leave you or mamy he will but atleast you can say to yourself you where honest about the whole thing. I agree with the other writers that if it was reversed then how would you feel???
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTimmyD: I know there are no excuses for this but the reason I did it was because his friend has been showing a growing interest in me (and my best freind truly believes he has feelings for me) and was giving me attention i was desperate for from my boyfriend. B/c of all the problems that had gotten between me and my boyfriend, he stopped beng affectionate (we were still having sex but apart from that it was like we were just friends). I told him over and over how important that part of the relationship was to me but he never listened. It felt good to be wanted again. I stopped it and started to cry but the fact is i let it happen at all. Now i know i just want things to work out between my boyfriend and i but i feel just aweful. I feel like he can eventualy be affectionate again and i am willing to wait till he can be but now this dark cloud is hanging over me. Telling him will ruin all chances of working things out let alone my whole reputation of being a "good" girl will be ruined. I used to be the kind of person that hated cheaters and would pass harsh judgement. The saying "walk a mile" is so true cause now that i have i know that they are not all bad and there may be underlying reasons y they did it. I still believe that i am the same"good girl" i have always been but he will never think of me i that way if i tell him. Then theres the whole fact that knowing it was with his friend will cause so much more hurt to him and he already has enouh family issues. Hes too much of a good person to deserve to feel like that.
...............................
A
female
reader, Zanie +, writes (25 May 2010):
 Trust may mean everything to him but if you tell him, most likely - youre done.
So knowing that, you have to decide.... Do you want to keep a secret from him? Knowing someday it may come out? Or do you want to tell him now?
If his trust was such a factor, then it would'nt have happened in the first place. I am the master of drinking... I love to drink...I have been so drunk I could barely walk...but girl I still knew who I was kissing.
...............................
A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (25 May 2010):
Why did you do what you did? This isn't about making you feel guilty anymore, or proving you did something wrong because you already know all of this. I'm just curious if you've admitted to yourself yet as to why you did it. The most common answer is "I don't know, it just happened..." or something like that, but "I don't know" isn't an answer, it's just an excuse. There HAS to be a reason as to why. Either you are attracted to his friend and want something different in addition to what you already have or you have another reason, but there IS a reason behind it.
The sooner you can admit that reason to yourself, the sooner you can start to move forward.
BTW, if you check out this recend post: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-recently-found-out-that-my-wife-cheated.html you will see what happens when a guy finds out later in life about cheating. Now, you may be able to keep the secret for the rest of your life, but you cannot control everything and everybody else around you.
...............................
A
female
reader, cnith +, writes (25 May 2010):
 I only have a question to answer your question... and I know that sucks but I have to do it.
What would you have your boyfriend do, if the situation was reversed?
How would you feel? How would you respond?
OK so that was three questions... but you don't have to answer the last two to answer your original question.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe believes trust is the biggest thing so i want to tell him because i feel i owe him that but i don't want to tell him because i know he will end it and I want to be with him 100%. It sucks that it took this incident to make me realize this though. I would never cheat on him again, for his sake and mine ( I can't take feeling this way). He always thought the world of me and trusted me 100%. I know his trust will be gone if i tell him but im afraid he will not think about me in a good light AT ALL. I really still am the same person he has always thought but we have been having problem for a couple years now and it caused me to be unhappy (and him also) but now now i realize how much i really do want to be with him. The only way that will work is if he doesn't find out and i just live with my guilt. Does anyone have experience with this and did your guilt eventually go away?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2010): Hello,
Ask yourself this important question. Who you want to know? Trust is vital in any healthy relationship.
My opinion is he deserves the truth.
If you decide to tell him, and he forgives you its time to work on your trust issues.
Good luck
;D
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTrust means everything to him which is why i'm having such a hard time deciding what to do. I would want to tell him because I think I owe him that since trust is so important to him but for that very same reason, I really don't think he would stay with me. Sometimes I feel like I would rather deal with the consequences of this (feeling guilty) then hurting him. He also has more trust in me than anyone. Im almost still in shock about this because it is so out of charactor for me. He will obviously lose trust if i tell him but im afraid he will also completely contradict the person he has always seen me as. I really am still that person, and am even more so now because of this glitch but i don't think i could convince him of that. I put myself in his shoes and I know how hard it would be to be convinced of anything
...............................
A
female
reader, Zanie +, writes (25 May 2010):
Well if you had done it with a stranger, I would have said...just let it lie. However, when you did it with his best friend, you opened up a whole can of worms. It isn't just you who can spill the beans, hon...he can too. If you feel his best friend needs to stroke his ego by telling your man about your accidentally rendevous, then definitely, tell your man. Better to come from you, then from a guy friend.However, be ready for the aftermath. It's sure to get rough.However, if both you and the best friend, agree that it was just a momentary lapse of better judgement and you think it doesnt need to be discussed further. Than there's no need to add gasoline to the already burning fire. As for the guilt, well if you decide to keep it hush hush...dont beat yourself up over it. It's not like you did the deed. Just dont do it again, if this guy is really who you want to be with!
...............................
A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (25 May 2010):
The guilt will not go away unless you tell him. If it does eventually go away without telling him, it means you have become the very thing you fear... a cheater.
Should you tell him? Depends. Why would you tell him? To eliminate your guilt? Or because you feel you owe him the truth? If you are doing it just to eliminate your guilt, I'd say that is the wrong reason.
Besides, any long lasting relationships are built on trust and honesty. Just because you tell him doesn't mean you two can't work through it eventually. But if you don't tell him and end up marrying him, you would be keeping this from him this whole time.
...............................
|
