A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:She is 19, studying and her bf is 22 and is working. She's in a unhealthy relationship with him for almost 5 years. She told me she broke up but patched back with him countless times, he's very possessive, she has cried and emotionally hurt so many times in this relationship. Once she told me he slapped her in the past. She started liking me last year but her feelings are not strong because she doesn't has the strength to move on if she breaks up him, its hard to forget him, but she already had went through a lot of emotional hurt in this relationship. She just keeps forgiving him and gives in for everything he says. Will she be able to end this relationship for good?
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female
reader, pepper27  +, writes (31 August 2010):
 Hi Hunny
I have just read Cerberus answer to your post and I agree that if you are hoping for this to become more than friendship you will indeed be waiting for something that may never happen and of course you will be hurt along the way....Yes do think of yourself...My answer was Indeed to help you help a friend.. TAKE CARE LOVE MANDY XXXXX
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2010): I have to disagree with the other posters on this. Both chigirl and pepper did give great advice but it was intended to protect and help her, they were giving you advice from her perspective and how you can help her, being there for her waiting and hoping that she eventually leaves him for you is a long and torturous road if you have romantic feelings for her which I assume you do.
Now they did give good advice I don't dispute that. But as a guy who has been in your position, a guy who did what Chi and pep think you should do I know that the likelihood of you having any kind of romantic relationship with her is extremely slim and I know it's a very slow, painful experience finding out that it's not going to happen. Look it's just not going to happen.
She's in this relationship a long time now and still hasn't left, no matter what she says or how bad she says he is to her, she loves him dearly. She's left him and gone back numerous times. She talked about feelings for you but they're nowhere near as strong as her feelings for him and probably never will be. In essence she chose him.
If she does leave him then it will be a long time before she's ready to date again, if at all and chances are she won't want to ruin her friendship with you if you do what chi and pep advise and become her emotional crutch, so basically you can't win. You can but it's 99% certain it won't happen in any kind of good way for you. I've experienced it and I've watched male friends go through the same thing.
With all due respect for Chi and pep, their advice is the right thing to do by her. I don't dispute that, I've done it and while I'm proud I stuck by her and was a good friend, it was a year of pain and agony for me because I grew ever deeper in love with her and sacrificed my own happiness for hers in the hope she'd grow to love me too only to find out I'd become too good a friend to her and watched as she went out and dated other guys.
I agree that she will need a good supportive friend to be there for her but you also need to think of yourself. If you're in love with her then friendship will never be enough for you. But she needs a friend who only wants friendship, otherwise it really is just going to get horribly messy. If you want to dedicate the next 6+ months being there for her, being her emotional crutch waiting and hoping you can have her and you think you can then by all means do. Just know that it's very tough, it's a huge sacrifice on your part and you will be crushed.
She needs a friend to help her get through this but you also need to be a friend to yourself too. You stand to lose a lot here, you stand to go through a lot of pain. If you're willing to accept that and willing to be there for her then you have to accept that nothing is going to happen between you. Because it simply can't, not in any kind of healthy way anyway. She has far too much baggage at the moment.
Based on my personal experience I'm at the stage where I will protect myself first, I can't be a good friend to someone by taking on their troubles, I can't let myself get involved with a girl like that again because the last time nearly ruined me because of my feelings for her. I can easily be there for a girl in this situation that I don't have feelings for, but never again will I put myself through the torture of being there for a girl that I do.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 August 2010):
 I think she will need real support from good friends if she is to be able to break loose from this man and relationship. I think the best thing you can do is support her and try and talk sense to her, and be her fiend. When she gets to the point where she ends things with her boyfriend it is crucial that she has friends around her who fully support her decision and help out in every way to get her away from him as soon as possible. If you can help her make it easy to get away, then it will not seem so easy to go back to him. I think in most of these cases women stay in a bad marriage because it is too hard to move on, and so easy to go back to what you are familiar with. They are scared to be alone, and scared that the breakup will be too much to handle. So if you are there as a friend, to help her deal with all the troubles of breaking free, she will find it very helpful and might also be able to break loose faster.
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A
female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (28 August 2010):
Hi Hunny
I myself was in a really bad mental and physical abusive marriage for 6yrs...I can tell you now that day in and day out you do not no what to expect plus you do not think straight at all..You want to get out so desperately but if she has been through anything like I went through then her confidence will be so low she will be suffering depression and she will be questioning every little thing she does..
Having a friend is the most important thing at this moment as my husband made sure not one person came near me..
I was not allowed to work. She need all the support you can give her I will send you a link that may help you understand what she may be feeling...I do hope that one day she gains the strength to leave, Hopefully with your help she will become stronger...
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm
I hope this help a little PLEASE TAKE CARE OF BOTH OF YOU WITH LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
male
reader, LAcreme  +, writes (28 August 2010):
 I hope you are not being selfish here!; now, put urself in the guy's shoes, would you want someone advising someone you love to leave you?Let the cards play itself out. You need not bother urself; she only knows why she's still keeping on.You, just keep playing your games rite, be the lover you profess and believe me, she'd gain enuff strength to leave (if she wants) in due course. Luv!
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