A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:ok guys i need your help! ive been with my girlfriend for about 7 months now, and it seems that every month that gose past i keep finding things out about her past that i dont like and sits on my head! everytime i try to talk to her about it she gose off on one telling me its my past get over it! now when i say im finding out its because im hearing it from other people and not her and the stuff im finding out i have asked her and she has told me diffrent! shes 27 with 2 kids who i love to bits. when i first met her she told me there dads a nasty bit of work and that he use to hit her and treat her like dirt, but she faild to tell me that she use to beat him up to! she was with him for 8 years i then found out from her friend that he runs massage parlours and still dose! witch discusts me! cause how could she be with some1 like that! when i asked her what he dose she just told me door work! witch he dose 2! we had an argument about it and then i just delt with it if she told me then i would of been ok because she told me insted of me finding out from some 1 else! then a few months down the line her brother slips up and tells me she use to help him out buy collecting the money and finding out who was working and so on! witch really made me feel sick! again through some 1 else! we went through a bad patch through dec and i didnt see her for a month, i just lost trust in her and kept asking her loads of questions all the time witch pisses her off! i must admit i do go on 1 when im asking questions! i dig to deep and i ask for every detail of everything!just the weekend gone it comes out when me her and her brother was talking that she cheated on him in the first year with some guy she meet out and she was seeing him for about 3 months and it only stopped because his gf found out and called her up! now i know it was 7 years ago and that its her past and she was 20 at the time but the way her and her brother was talking about it laughing and joking like it was nothing made me feel really shit and angry! they was carrying on like it was a joke! the thing that got me is that ive asked her if she has ever cheated in the past and she told me no! then i find out like this! i told her how i felt and she but she couldnt understand why all she could say about it and everything else is! its my past! it was befor i meet u! witch i totaly agree on! but! i feel if i ask i shouldnt be lied to! she did say it was 7 years ago and she wouldnt do that again but im just finding it hard to deal with as im now scared that if she gose out she will do it to me! i mean if she can do it with some 1 she has a kid with and lives with them and manages to find time to sneak off with some guy for 3 months then whats stopping her from doing it to me when she lives alone with just her and her 2 kids witch stay at there dads some weekends! (free house)she tells me she dont look at sex the way i do and that sex is just sex! that makes me feel a bit funny!she has told me before that if she could change that part of her life she would and that she has made mistakes.i know i over look things and let my mind go into over drive in my head witch dont help but i just cant stand people lieing to me! just tell me the truth and let me make my own mind up instead of letting me find out from other people!ive painted a picture of some1 that sounds bad but apart from all these things shes a fantastic mum who always puts her kids first she did go through a bad time come the end of the 8 years and she is a good person! but at the min shes treating me like dirt and enjoys being wih her friends more then me because she says her friends dont judge her because i keep going on at her about things like her past and stuff.i do want to be with her and i do love her and i think ive pushed her away a bit with all my questions but at the same time i feel that there wouldnt be question if she could just tell me the truth and buy her lieing to me it makes me ask more questions if that makes sence!apart from that when we are not bitching at each other we get on but i just need to get rid of these thoughts playing on my mind! and the biggest one is that she cheated on her partner for 3 months! i kknow it was 7 years ago but i cant help but think she will do it again!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010): Good question Remember the good old phrase "Once a Cheater always a cheater?" I hate to say this myself but it's true I have trusted 3 different girls in my past that said they have changed but then again they were cheating on me within time.
you see there are 2 types of people in the world those who have a probability in cheating and those who are hardwired loyal. Once a person cheats they find a justification for their behavior without feeling as worthless as they really are. If a justification is made once it can always be made again and with time it only gets easier for them.
Also as you mentioned "she tells me she dont look at sex the way i do and that sex is just sex! that makes me feel a bit funny!" It had every right to strike you funny to most morale people Sex is something we exclusively share between the one we love that nobody else can have the sanctity if you will. Well when they don't feel the sam about sex as you do they don't share the same views of sanctity as you do therefore if comes to cheating will not see nor comprehend how badly their selfishness hurts another.
I say get out!, now listen I know that would be hard as hell and living in the optimism that she may never is much easier to do I did it with 2 of those relationships (Hence why I will never do it again and consider it to be my fault as I had prior knowledge of their disloyalty) but as you probably feel I liked them and wanted to keep going, its only in the end when your face hits the pavement and realization sets in you see the mistake you made and kick yourself for it, How many times do you want to learn from the same mistake? It may hurt allot but belive me the less time you have been together the less time it takes to heal,
Take it from someone who learned the same mistake and got his heart crushed and years wasted of his life recovering from the pain that you figured this out and now you have a gut feeling its a sign use your head not your heart and save yourself the hurt in the future. She is who she is you cant change that no matter how hard you tried and don't listen to anyone there is "NO" excuse for cheating you will find someone who is just as loyal as you when the time is right
A
female
reader, devastated2008  +, writes (3 February 2010):
 From everything you describe, it sounds like she has a history with YOU of deceitful/misleading behavior. Whether you have brought this on or not it obviously bothers you... and personally I think it would me too. Intelligent people look at a persons past AND present behavior to predict future behavior...
You both have an obligation if you want to be together. She has an obligation to you to be totally honest, upfront and transparent... you have an obligation to accept her past non-judgementally and to nurture her healthy changes. However it sounds like you are both dropping the ball... and its hard to tell which side is the problem. To me it sounds like both...
People with addictions are ALWAYS vulnerable to repeating those addictions under the right temptation. So as the previous poster mentioned... would a past smoker start smoking again? An alcoholic start drinking again? "Statistically" there is a very good chance that they might UNLESS they are taking active concrete proactive steps to insure that they are never vulnerable to those temptations.
And your gf is not doing that which is why you are so insecure... and rightly so. White lies, outright lies are unacceptable if she wants to build a healthy safe monogamous relationship... any form of deceit makes her vulnerable to the temptation of cheating or at the very least is destructive to your relationship.
This situation is a two way street. You need to accept her and she needs to make sure she is protecting the relationship.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 February 2010):
 You cannot do statistics on past cheaters and future behavior. To do that would be dehumanizing. There are people who quit smoking. Would they smoke again? Her lying is more like a white lie. Talking about it does not help. She is telling you not to judge her. She would treat you better if you can just enjoy her as who she is today. If you continue asking her questions about the past, it's more likely she would be more direct this time. Instead of cheating with you, she would end it with you.
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