A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi i'm 20 and met this wonderful guy at uni. We have been together for a couple of months. Anyway its transpired he is a virgin, weve discussed this and i have told him about my sexual history warts and all.The trouble is he says, not the fact that i'm not a virgin he's o.k with that. Just so long as it was whilst trying to form a relationship. His problem is a couple of one night stands I had. He says he can't get is head around it and how can making love ever be special between us.It got quite heated and he said even a prostitute put a value to herself.I don't know what his problem is i've told him everybody has one nightstands. What do you suggest I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2008): His "problem" is that he has different values than you do. His are just as valid as yours. (But I don't think he had any call to say that "prostitute" comment though.)
And about the virginity thing -- I would be a lot of money that it bothers the hell out of him (that he is and you're not). But he's trying to brush it off because he rationally tells himself it should not bother him. He's probably fighting a huge internal battle with his feelings, and feelings don't care whether they are based on rational motivations or not.
I suspect that's part of what's driving his anger about the one-night stand thing. He rationalizes with himself that he shouldn't get mad over you having sex in general, but he feels like the one-night stand thing is enough difference-of-opinion ground for his frustration to stand on. So that's where the pent-up frustration gets vented at you about both the virginity thing AND the one-night stand thing.
I don't know if this relationship can work. This is partly just a male/female differnce that is hard-wired into our brains. Just because you don't see why something has to matter, that doesn't mean his biological programming is saying the same thing that yours is. (And trying to fight all your deepest internal programming on romantic issues isn't a very rewarding process, is it?)
I do know that it will NEVER, EVER, EVER stop bothering him. Just search for previous past-partner & virginity questions on this website if you have any doubt of that.
A
male
reader, Moviefan  +, writes (26 January 2008):
 He is seeing things from the point of view that i see this sort of thing, i would never do a one night stand while i was clear headed. And the fact that im a virgin still after the chance arose for me to have sex with out any real devotion there. I didnt want to just do it with her to do it with her. I loved her yes but i wanted to be sure she would be there the next day and things would keep rolling.I know why people do it like this, its because of the way you feel when you do it but I would feel like crap just doing it with any person i wanted to when i tried to be with someone and do it with them, i would feel like im cheating them. He probably thinks you may go do this again if u argue intead of dealing with the problem at hand, meaning you will have to talk to him and promise and reasure him that you will not do such things like this again when your havinf a relationship with him. Otherwise it will keep haunting him and hurt your chances of a relationship working.Good luck!
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (26 January 2008):
 Not everyone has one night stands. Some people do, but from his angle he's seeing the issue with "sex for love" or "sex for instant gradification". Some people from his side as well look at it as "if we have an issue in our relationship, will they run out and have a one night stand to cope, instead of working it out." What I want you to do is look at this from his angle. Remember perception is how we view most of what happens in life. Yours may be different than his, but it doesn't mean he's wrong, or that you're right, or the other way around. You both may be wrong and you both may be right. Remember to seek first to understand before being understood. Now about his issue. Making love, is that a sexual act, or is it the emotion two people feel while performing the act? The joining of two hearts and the expression of how you feel about that person and the love you share. I know pleanty of people with a past, and with that past if they really fall in love, past or not, the love shared between the two people will be the strength behind making love.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2008): Hold up! Not everyone does have one-night stands, even amongst people who are sexually active! Moreover, who cares what 'everyone' does? Maybe it is your attitude that is concerning this guy, not your history. Having said that - it really isn't any of his business why you slept with anyone in your past. YES, if you guys are going to be physical, then you must absolutely get tested for all STDs - for your current health and his future - that IS his business. But if he is going to sit in moral judgement of your past relationships - whether they lasted ten minutes or ten years - is that really someone you want in your life? What matters is that YOU are happy with the person you are and the choices you've made. But I know I wouldn't want to be with anyone who compared me to a prostitute and tried to make me feel bad about myself. Run away!
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