A
male
age
51-59,
*ucmix
writes:ok so here it goes . We met @ work and still work together. we dated for about a year during the time i was and still am married with 2 kids. just last month she says she can`t do this anymore and the reasons she gave was all over the board, from your married,you didn`t call me when you went on vacation, don`t spend enough time together, i can`t be there when she wakes up ect. the list goes on. i tried to explain to her that she did not even tell me these things she was feeling. i never treated her bad and she said that she loves me but she won`t even give me a chance . she says she needs to find out who she is and to be herself and she needs time. i am not happy with my marrage and will likely get a divorce. how can i win this girls heart/mind back? will she ever come back? where do i start? so many questions and not enough answers.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2008): I am experiencing this from the other woman's prospective; my children's father due to his wife, constant demands and suffocating him, to try and squeeze me out. Disappeared two weeks ago. I have not been able to contact him, he has ignored texts, phone calls prior to his wife changing the phone numbers, and now my emails. We have small children. He said he loved me too, that whatever happened we were in it together. The truth to it all was a bunch of bull crap. This was my first time ever getting involved with a married man; he knows what all I have been through with previous relationships. I have lost over ten pounds in under two weeks, been crying constantly. I feel betrayed and hurt. He chose his wife, I tried to express how I felt and to know that he received those emails and just ignored them, hurts more than anything.He's had a relative to contact me and I they took my side on the matter, but he wants his Cake and Ice Cream too- I need to lay low, he's going through some things, he's not enjoying this, he's hurting too, yeah-right. I am bitter, crushed, and full of rage. Will I let him come back after he get's his mess together heck no; I don't want him now, I don't even want him coming around our children; not only did he abandon me, but our children too; I have to hear those questions of where is my daddy, see children looking out the window and going out the door looking for him. He wasn't concerned with them or me, and it's too late and I told that relative that it wouldn't be in his best interest to come anywhere near me any time soon. I didn't ask for this, he pursued me and won me over and I still kept him at an emotional distance until recently and when he had me where I guess he wanted me, he left us. Not before trying to prove his love, his wife gave ultimatum after ultimatum and he ignored them, etc, reassuring me, that we were going to be a family; then out the Blue in two weeks, you desert us. You can forget oh-girl ever giving you any type of friendship; you've betrayed her, and led her on, no Woman likes looking and feeling like a Fool, or thinking of themselves as stupid. You should have handled your business when you had the time, now it's too late, forget it sucker and deal with the decision you've made.
A
male
reader, ducmix +, writes (14 September 2008):
ducmix is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell to just update eveyone and thank all of you for your reply! Well she is not my girlfriend anymore and I have told my wife i was very unhappy. My kids mean alot and I never showed displessure with my marriage in front of my kids. When i leave it will because it is for me and not anyone else. Do i love the latter?, Yes i do but now that she left without even communicating with me makes me feel that she will just up and go whenever. I never lead her on by telling her i would leave my wife. i did tell her i was unhappy. I also have never cheated on my wife . this was the first and last. I think most of all i would love to be this girls best friend not sexually but she does not want that either, she says "it`s bad for both of us". It does hurt me deeply to hear this and to think in my mind that we could have been great. She is a very hard headed person but smart and mature for her age. I do miss her ! Did i just lose her completly? How can someone say they love you but not even fight for something ?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2008): As a woman in a very similar position to your girlfriend my advice would be to leave her well alone unless you truly are willing to deal with the consequences of leaving your wife and two children. Its the age old saying if you love someone then let them go. She is young and has no baggage - do you really think outside of the fantasy of the affair it could work? Could you both live with the reality of bills / work pressure / bad habits / the day to day? Would you have anything left after the hot sex has died down? (which it always does in any relationship)I don't want you to give up on your family only for it to fall at the first hurdle. If you are truly unhappy with your wife you need to address that and leave her, making provisions and time for your children as they are the innocent party in all this. Only once you have decided that your relationship with your wife is definitely unsalvageable and all ties with her have been broken (other than obviously the tie with your children) should you embark on a relationship with ANYONE else, but you should be prepared to be alone for a while - I get the feeling this girl has all but given up on you...and you can't blame her - its hard watching the man you love returning to the arms of another woman each night, even if that woman has a prior claim. There is also the issue of your wife who has done nothing wrong...does she not deserve a little happiness? Do you think its fair for you to stay with her when you are obviously not fully committed to her? Yes she will probably be very hurt but I think if your not 100% committed to her you should also set her free to find somebody who will give her the love and committment she deserves. And remember NEVER walk away from your children and your emotional and financial obligation to them. Good luck.xx
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A
female
reader, Landie  +, writes (13 September 2008):
 If I was her i wouldn't go back. Sounds mean but thats how it is.
Imagine you were in her position you in a relationship with a person who is marrid and you tell them you love them and they say they not happy in there marriage yet they don't leave their spouse.
Would you stay with that person?
If you love her so much what has stopped you from leaving your wife when you first realised that you love her? Saying you will likely get a divorce does not mean you will. Think carefully are you going to get that divorce in the next year, 2 years? does she not have the right to also one day get married? If you really love her let her go, if its ment to be between you two it will be but don't force her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2008): I've been the other woman and he never left his wife - despite her giving him an open door to go. He had kids and this was why he stayed. It was 3 years ago I broke it off and found a man that was available. As 'the other woman' for so long it was a luxury to be able to call him when I liked and be normal. You need to make a decision on your marriage first. She will not trust you in these circumstances. Keep in touch with her (non pressurising) and just be kind. Once you are free you have the right to ask her out again. Don't trap her again.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (13 September 2008):
I think you have to leave her to have her space.
No one wants to be "the other woman" and this has been building up inside her. It's only fair that she wants to be a real girlfriend and not a dirty little secret.
Plus there is always the proven fact that we girls tell each other "Married men will never leave their wives." They just say they will and enjoy having the 2 of you on the go at the same time.
So, how to get her back:
1. Come clean to your wife, tell her you are rubbish and want a divorce. Give her everything since you are not going to be willing to work on it / be faithful.
2. Get the divorce over and done with, move out, be completely single.
3. Hunt down your girlfriend and tell her you are free and available and want her. Hopefully she will not have moved on.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2008): Most men who say they will get a divorce from their wife never do. As a woman, I would be extremely skeptical of going back unless I knew he was getting divorced and I truly did love him. You have children, is it worth hurting them for your mistress? Do you really love her that much?
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