A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am moving in with my boyfriend of almost four years and my mom is upset. I made all the arrangements before telling her and she apparently feels that was disrespectful. If I had discussed it before hand I think that would have felt too much like asking permission. She seems to think I should have asked her opinion on whether I should do it or not, when really the most I would have asked was if the curtains looked good with the couch.I have a good job and no debt, and she still doesn't think I can take care of myself. Worse yet, she doesn't think my boyfriend can take care of me (as if he needs to.) Boyfriend is a smoker and she claims that if he loves me he'd quit. She is both Chinese and Catholic so she has made it very clear that she doesn't approve of the whole situation.I really don't want to leave on bad terms but I have no doubt I'll be happier on my own. Will she get over this?
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female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx  +, writes (14 April 2014):
 I think due to your mum being catholic she feels that you and this boyfriend of yours might be getting up to no good and she doesn't want you to go against her religon. I have Catholic relatives, and they don't seem to look down well on those who decide to move in with there boyfriends or girlfriends before marriage. So that of course is the first reason she may be angry. The second reason is she might feel hurt you kept this whole thing a secret, and she may of just wanted to help you move and do the things mums do when there baby leaves the nest, however I don't blame you for not telling her as she probably wouldn't of approved. The third reason why she might be angry is because her bird is leaving the nest, and for every mother thats a big step, she might worry that you won't be okay on your own, and if you are an only child or all her other children have moved out, she might worry that she will miss you or get lonely. However this whole situation you are in is a part of life, and your mother needs to accept that, you are now an adult so you are allowed to do what you like, you don't need permission or approval to move in with someone so i'm afraid your mother is just going to have to put up with it. The best way to put a mothers worries at ease is to prove her wrong, and show her you can manage by yourself and your boyfriend can look after you. I think as shes your mother she will get over this. x Good Luck x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2014): OP, no one has experienced your cultural differences with your mother. You know the guilt trip, the 'what did I fail as a parent for you to turn out like this?' type of inquisitions you'd have suffered if you had involved her in your planning.OP, I was in the same boat.Parents disapproved of living in sin etc. etc. That's their prerogative obviously and it does come from a good place. I only told them when I had signed the lease and the dates were in place etc. They were not happy about it, heck they spent days trying to dissuade me. A year later, they now tentatively send festive greetings with his family (no ring in sight). They value their tradition etc, but ultimately, they value my well being more. And I'm more than happy with my arrangement. They're slowly coming round to the idea even though they fought it tooth and nail.OP you did what you had to to minimise the discomfort all round. She wouln't have bought you some house warming gifts simply because you had discussed your plans to live in sin beforehand. It would have merely prolonged the arguments and the tension.Move out, but look after yourself. If you move in with a nut then you'll feel pretty shit so I'm assuming your relationship is rock solid. Equally, call your mum regularly, she'll miss you. Go for coffee or shopping or whatever regularly and spend quality time with her. She'll eventually realise that hell didn't come pouring down on you nor did you suddenly incur masses of debt. When you've proved to be stable and happy and you've maintained a good relationship with her, she'll have no choice but to be happy and proud of you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2014): My mother was Catholic too. She was Native American, and with all that comes their traditions and views. I'm gay, but she passed away while I was very young, but I could only imagine what her opinion would have been. She made us go to Sunday school and mass, and always worried about our little souls. We had to live by the Ten Commandments, say grace every meal; and be very respectful to adults.
So if your mother lives by her faith, and old cultural-traditions; don't expect her to approve of your living
with a man out of marriage.
To her, that also means you are living in sin, and having premarital-sex. That is against her beliefs and cultural tradition. I don't need to explain that, you are fully aware of why she would not be amused and jumping for joy.
Mothers find it hard to accept when we've become fully grown; and they no longer can tell us what to do. So you just have to let her grow accustomed to your lifestyle, and get used to the fact you're a grown woman. You now live according to your own chosen set of rules and beliefs.
No longer under her house-rule. Big change to adapt to!
Oh, then there is the mother vs daughter routine. She has experience; and feels as your mother she has the responsibility to warn you and advise you when she feels you may do yourself harm. If she knows you're doing something she has done in the past that didn't work out; her nightmare is seeing you suffer as she did. There is also the typical mother-daughter power-struggle. Nothing new. Mother always knows best.
Of course she will come around. She loves you to pieces!
She has to live with the fact that she taught you certain values and expected you to adopt them as your own. She has been taught that sin will compromise your reward in heaven,
and it also reflects on her as a mother. She has to face her fellow-Christians, and the Church. She fears judgement as a bad mother, and it will somehow jeopardize her soul.
Catholic mothers are supposed to make you feel guilty. That is their job. Seems yours is doing a good job. She moved you to write for advice.
It does disappoint her to some degree that you didn't wait for marriage. As she sees it now, you are in total defiance of all that you have been taught. Naturally she is going to have a mommy-hood tizzy-fit. As you will too, when you are in her shoes someday. She worries about you getting pregnant out of wedlock, and side-stepping all the conservative teachings of her faith. She considers her faith your faith; as long as you're her daughter.
Be patient, respectful, and let her carry-on as you could only expect a mother to do, under the circumstances.
If she didn't love you, it wouldn't matter to her what you did. You're going to be her baby-girl until you have more wrinkles than she does.
So humor her, try to make her happy in other ways, and just give her time to adjust to all these abrupt changes. It just takes a little time.
You're both stubborn and alike, so you'll both work it out.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (14 April 2014):
 Consider your Mother's point of view....
"Living together" - to her - constitutes "shacking up" and is frowned upon in her religion......
Sure she'll "get over it".... some long time in the future. Want to "help" her get over it NOW (today)???? Then, tell B/F to put a ring on your finger and marry you. Problem "solved."
P.S.1. I always discourage women (especially young ones) from "living together" with their boyfriends... since that almost-always accords HIM all the power (in your relationship).... and the breakup (high likelihood) will be far tougher on YOU than on HIM..... and,
P.S.2. Bringing up the subject of getting/being married may have the effect of making him face reality... AND, he may "fold"... and the question/problem will solve itself...
Good luck...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2014): OP what you're really asking is will your old fashioned mother, with a specific view of how your life should be, ever stop trying to tell you what she thinks is best?
I doubt it. It's what mothers do.
Mine is very liberal and relaxed, and she still criticises my style or my curtains etc. I too am a smoker and she never shuts up about it.
In fact my wife loves it and they both love to tease me about stuff like that by jokingly ganging up on me.
She'll get used to it, OP, but she'll never stop trying to tell you things you can improve on in the form of criticism.
The only consolation is that you know it comes from a good place in her heart, she's not being a saboteur or malicious, she just has her mind set on what's best for you and anything else you decide to do she'll be critical of.
With all due respect, OP, it was disrespectful not to tell her. You're a grown woman, you don't need anyone's permission to do anything anymore but you kind of acted like a teenager sneaking behind her back because you didn't want to feel like you were asking permission on some kind of principle.
If anything you just made her hate the idea even more.
OP she's your mother and has probably always been like this about most things, it's how she expresses her love for you by wanting to you to have the best life she can give but of course according to her own set of beliefs, you seem to be going against her for no reason other than to spite her. Because I honestly see no other reason why you wouldn't give her advance knowledge of a major change in her and your life.
OP if you want to leave on good terms then you'll admit that you were immature in not giving her heads up on you moving out. A heads-up is not seeking permission, it's just simple consideration. I mean it's a big deal in your life and you just left her out of it. There's also financial and practical considerations for her without an extra person in the house etc, you gave her no time to prepare or get used to the idea, it's like "screw you, mom, I'm moving out and I didn't tell you because I don't have to, so there!"
OP try and be adult this, because thus far you've been a bit petty about the whole thing. She is who she is, and she has her opinions so you should be used to how she is and it shouldn't affect you so much that you're this combative about things.
In your position I'd apologise for not giving her advanced warning and just make up some shite about wanting to be sure it was going to happen before you told her and then I'd tell her I'll be more considerate about things like that in the future.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2014): She will, but you're acting as though she's a drag and not your mother who has spent the last 22 - 25 years raising you and caring for you. It IS disrespectful to only consider asking her "whether the curtains look good with the couch" and just dropped it on her that you were moving out.
I understand that you want independence and you think you're ready, but it's your mum's JOB to worry and to feel like she's not important to you if you hide such a big thing from her. It's not about asking permission, but you could act like the grown up you want to be seen as and talk to her about it nicely. She's not going to agree with everything you do, but there's no need to cut her out of the process. That WILL leave you on bad terms and you need to repair it by showing her you still want and need her in your life, but you feel ready to move out. If you say you don't need her, you are very likely to be wrong and you'll burn bridges with nowhere to turn if things go south with your boyfriend.
Be fair to her, she is ALLOWED to be concerned about your best interests, don't act bratty about it. First and foremost, she's your mother and has been your protector for a very long time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2014): That's her POINT. She doesn't approve, made that clear to you and you still did it. You didn't ask her opinion or permission (which she expected) because you really didn't want to hear that she thought you were wrong. So yes, I can see why she felt you were disrespectful.
I was in the EXACT position you were in (except my family is white fundamental evangelical baptist) when I didn't want to go to college right away because I wanted a year to find out who I was. Outside of who I was told I was. I fell on my ass. Ended up $1,000s of dollars in debt, taken advantage of by roommates and men, not respected by anyone, addicted to drugs, pregnant and ... still am hearing the "I told you so's" 13 years later. I truely hope that this works out for you. Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and that you have already rpoved yourself responsible.
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