A
female
age
41-50,
*opeless777
writes:Will my overseas born fiance be able to accept my American culture? He is so very loyal and romantic and attentive to me. I'm really in love with him. I think it's a miracle to find love halfway across the planet. I'm in the u.s. and he's from another country. But he seems to show a bit of a temper and it's starting to worry me. He always talks about how he believes in women's freedoms and equality. He loves that I'm an artist and always supports me. But he gets so so jealous. I used to have a boyfriend from highschool...mmaybe 15 years ago. This ex stalked me. I have a police order against him. This ex has scared me... And has threatened me. I told my fiance about it and he didn't believe me. He said no man can do this to me. He said I must have made him think he can. He said I made love with him and now it's normal for my ex boyfriend to try to take me again. He said it's my fault. One time I argued with my fiance and he said I needed to share all my passwords with him... facebook... email. He said he loves me and I have nothing to hide so why not share them. He said he's protecting me. He said all girlfriends in his country give their men their all passwords. So I gave them to him.Soon he was reading all my messages...cchecking my Facebook activity log to see who I was searching or reading about. He deleted some of my friends too! Is this normal in his culture? We argue about this a lot now. He will get so upset with me if we are chatting and my phone rings. He says...wwho is that?
View related questions:
facebook, fiance, jealous, my ex, stalking Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (25 April 2015):
Please listen to your gut, OP. It's trying to tell you something. That worrying feeling, that nagging feeling that something is wrong, don't ignore it because something IS wrong. Your fiancee is not who he tells you he is.
"He always talks about how he believes in women's freedoms and equality." He talks about it to cover up for the fact that his behavior shows the opposite. He doesn't believe your ex stalked you and even said it's your fault, that you must have done something for him to do that.
"He says he's protecting me". Demanding you share all your passwords is not because he wants to protect you, it's because he doesn't trust you. It's because he doesn't think you should be making your own decisions. Again, it clearly shows his real stance on women's freedoms. It's not protection, it's possession: you're his property now and the reason he has a temper and is demanding all these things is because he doesn't want you to speak up and have your own opinions. In his eyes, if you get married, you're his property to do with as he pleases.
This is NOT love and never will be. It doesn't matter how good and enjoyable some moments with him are. They will soon be overshadowed by the fact he will try to completely take over and run your life. In fact, he's already doing that now. Trust me, this is the tip of the iceberg. It'll all go downhill from here. He will decide whom you may call your friends, what you say, how you say it, when you have sex, how you will have sex, how you dress, what you eat, everything. That is your future prospect with this man. The fact you won't tell us which country he's from shows the culture he grew up in is most likely one that oppresses women.
Don't think the love between you two will undo that. It's not love and he will not change.
Please, please leave him. Your gut instinct is already telling you to run away from this guy. Do it before you're permanently tied to him. You'll save yourself from a lifetime of anguish.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (25 April 2015):
 Red flag.
What you call 'loyal' 'romantic' and 'attentive' is just a precursor to 'overbearing' and 'controlling'. You're already seeing signs of that yourself.
The fact that he has to specifically tell you he believes in women's freedom and equality should be a clear warning of the opposite. I believe in not punching my friends in the face, but I don't feel the need to spell this out because it's a given. People who make these declarations about themselves, about how honest they are, how loyal they are, etc...do so because they aren't.
Another clue is you haven't named the country he's from.
I'm not even going to dissect all this, OP. He is not a good guy and all his supposedly good attributes are but a thin veneer.
I really think you need to start disengaging from this one. You're going to lose yourself by staying with him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2015): I'm an artist and lecturer and I have been in an abusive relationship in the past.A great many artists, particularly women, gravitate towards the arts because we want and believe in values that are often totally different to those in place in reality. I'm not saying we are escapists and I'm not saying that what we do is irresponsible. Artists work incredibly hard and it can be a very, very precarious existence. But the long and short of it is that, in the eyes of others, we don't 'fit in'.Often this brings very positive attention - we and our work are seen as gifted and illuminating, bringing pleasure and thought provoking critique to others, often generating healthy debate.The downside is that we tend to attract losers, abusers and idiots. From an outsider perspective, artists often have "loose" boundaries and our open-mindedness and caring qualities are very often a VERY easy target for players and abusive men. Quite often we're NOT materialistic, and this can often mean that men who are incapable of supporting themselves gravitate towards us, believing we will be happy with "alternative living" and that we won't pressure them to provide.Also, very often, artists (men and women) have personal issues underneath that they very much want to resolve. And it usually boils down to very early experiences of being unloved, or having one's position in the family made insecure - eg. not getting enough attention because another sibling took it all, or a parent being ill and not being capable of providing consistent love.I've almost finished a PhD in art theory, at one of the world's leading universities, and I know for sure that this theory tests out every single time.I think you've gravitated towards this man because you are seeking a "big love" that's missing from your life. It's part and parcel of the artist's mindset and why we often seek an alternative way of life. Without any shadow of a doubt, he is beginning to control you. And I bet you a million dollars there's far more of his anger where that came from. You say he is loving and loyal towards you. But the important, crucial thing to understand here is that for a great many men this is an intuitive form of charm that reels you in and, importantly, connects you and binds you to them in a way that allows them to begin controlling you. You begin to become addicted to the 'big hit' of the romance and attention they provide. And then the anger and abuse you will experience renders you insecure, so you keep looking for him to become loving again. This is exactly how he will control you and it will keep you hooked, like a drug addict, if you let it. You are setting yourself up for a roller coaster ride of abuse and misery, with plenty of "highs' inbetween, where you will feel convinced, temporarily, that this is real love. It isn't. I strongly recommend that you read up on addictive love and co-dependency.Also, as a feminist who researches masculinity as part of her PhD, I can tell you without and doubt that there is a VERY long history of dominant men claiming an interest in feminist and equality because they want to be seen, egotistically, as better men. It's a way of territorialising feminist both theoretically and in real life. Feminist theorists in the 60's and 70's wrote of major philosophers like Derrida wanting to territorialise feminist because the idea that they could be feminists was so tantalising at that time. Recently I wrote into this site because I was being absolutely manipulated at work by a married man who claimed he was in love with me AND that he was a feminist who believes in women's equality. I know that behind the scenes he is just one of the most vile and manipulative men I've ever encountered. In class I now teach my female students to be very wary of men who claim to be into women's rights and equality, and not to take this at face value at all.Please do some reading around the issue of addictive love and manipulative people and maybe get some counselling for yourself to understand why you are so in need of an attachment with this person. I think it dates back to needing to feel attached to a parent, but only you can figure out the more precise details of that.As to this horrible man. Cut contact, change your email and facebook pages. Get him out of your life as soon as you possibly can. He's a parasite, looking for a host.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (25 April 2015):
 And if you scroll down in this Free .pdf http://elmaton1.webs.com/cwpp.slq.qld.gov.aubbabook.pdf
you will find, towards the end, Robyn Mann's "chapter 7" where Biderman's chart of Coercion is reproduced.
Biderman's Chart of Coercion is worth printing our and pinning up for you to see it every day.
It is the abuse cycle.
The abuse cycle is the same no matter when and where a person is being abused.
The only thing that changes is the level and intensity of abuse.
But the cycle remains.
The abuser reels you in first. The abuser (it can be a male or a female, though the majority, sadly, are males abusing others)the abuser starts by love bombing you. They seek to isolate you. That is already happening.
you are already having some doubts. Ignore those doubts and you will lose confidence in yourself.
Once you reach the next level of abuse the abuse will become worse.
The only thing that is different between a person with low self esteem and a few bruises on their arms occasionally, inflicted by their abusive partner versus a person being buried well before their time because their abusive spouse has caused a person to lose their life by being bashed, knifed, thrown off a balcony, deliberately burned, disfigured, deliberately shot, deliberately suffocated or deliberately poisoned or deliberately drowned is, in the case of an abusive spouse, is the intensity of the abuse.
The intensity of the abuse may be small at the start, but later on the abuse will normally escalate.
If you choose to take up with this man then you are likely to need this site in the future:
http://www.safehorizon.org/page/10-signs-of-domestic-violence--abuse-291.html
Most domestic violence is not even reported. Yet at least 4000 women die every year in the US, where domestic violence is said have been the reason the woman died. Avoid abusive partners at all times. No person needs to suffer like that.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (25 April 2015):
it matters what country the man comes from for there are aspects that people can focus on and claim that the culture is the same for all people in that culture.
Our prejudices are often formed about different cultures due to what the media chooses to highlight and report and what we have been told from birth by our own families.
That said there are differences in some cultures that make it harder for immigrants to assimilate into a different culture. However assimilate they do, eventually. Or they leave. Or they become part of an underclass and cannot find the type of work they want.
So any country could be profiled as a repugnant culture. That's the mark of racism to focus on the country of birth as the explanation to hint that 100% of people in that culture are therefore a culture that has no people who behave in ways that we perceive as honourable in our own culture.
I know that people do not mean to sound nor be racist. It just happens as they seek short-cuts to help them make sense of what they see or hear.
but that is why we still need to keep a check on when we say... Oh and he's a "red-headed guy with ....." so of course (someone may imagine) he must be ....... Or he was born in ...... so he is likely to be (they imagine)......
Instead I would prefer to focus on the person and their actual actions and behaviour. As WiseOwlE has done.
The guy's actions are appalling.
He has already shown you every step of the way that he is abusive. He could be a 10th generation born guy in any western or eastern or any other ...ern and he would still be an abusive guy and a potential danger to you based on his actions.
Change all your passwords
Change any way he has access to you. Block him.
No matter how much his exotic charm has charmed you his actions abuse will only get worse. Much worse.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2015): Since he has all your passwords and reads all your messages, I hope he reads this.
Even if he is able to easily access your information; it will not make any difference being transparent, if he does not trust you anyway. You're no better off with your fiance; than you were with your stalker. You choose men that overpower you. That is not a sign of strength, and it will not make you feel safe. You will get the opposite effect. You'll fear them!
A man who has the audacity to cut-off your contact with your friends, will soon cut-off contact with your family as well. He will treat you like a servant, not his wife.
You're worried about HIM accepting YOUR culture?
Seriously?!!
Don't rationalize his bad-behavior as "cultural." A bad man is a bad man, regardless of his race, creed, or nationality. YOU don't have to accept any aspect of his traditions that allow men to overpower, degrade, or mistreat women. You have been on this planet long enough to know these things. You're not 16 anymore.
Selecting who you are allowed to contact is how control begins. You're a woman over 30 years old, and your naivety is astonishing. You see these bad traits in your fiance, and assume they're cultural? His behavior is universal. It sounds like the same behavior you experienced with your American ex! Recognize it for what it is.
"I'm really in love with him." This is the phrase that neutralizes any truly sound advice from aunts and uncles. You have to reach your on conclusions, and make your own decisions. You're an adult.
You found love somewhere across the planet. Too bad mental-stability isn't part of the package. Somehow, you managed to find exactly the same-thing you had in high-school. You're mistaking obsession and possessiveness for love.
What kind of advice are you looking for? You say you're in-love with a man who deletes your friends from Facebook. He faults you for having to seek an order of protection from a stalker. His idea of protecting you is controlling who you contact. He's jealous. You apparently know nothing about his culture. What is it exactly that you're in-love with? The fact he is exotic and seduced you with his charms?
He's as disturbed as that kid you knew in high-school. The kid was a teenage boy with problems. This guy is a grown-man.
Perhaps he should consider another way to get his green card. True love will not allow any man to treat you like that. No matter what culture they come from. Kindness and respect is also universal. You have a choice in this matter.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (25 April 2015):
 Good grief...this is certainly NOT normal!!! What is wrong with you OP? This man's behavior is utter nonsense! He wants to "protect" you? By accessing your emails and facebook account?
OP this guy just wants to rule you with an iron fist. Believe you me, it will just get worse from here. He's the kind of person who will think that if a guy so much as even looks at you because it's your fault that you must have provoked him. That the ex stalking you was your fault that you led him on. I bet my bottom dollar on the fact that he thinks you're immoral because you had sex with your ex.
OP this is just going to end in a big disaster if you don't put an end to it right away. Walk away RIGHT NOW.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2015): He is controlling, jealous, blames you for your ex's worrying behaviour and he has a temper. All the ingredients for a nightmare. Red flags all over your post and alarm bells are ringing with you. Listen to them! You already know what kind of a man he is. Why are you still with him? You know this is bad news.
There will be double standards and abuse if you continue with him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 April 2015):
 You didn't mention the culture he's from, but it's pretty clear here that you two are not aligned with behavior expectations.
Have you ever met this man in person?
If not, why would you give him your passwords?
I would change passwords to new ones, block him on social media and talk to friends and family about this. If they don't know about him and your relationship, then that's something you should confess and get help with.
You have unrealistic expectations as does he. This is going to end in tears either way. Sorry.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (25 April 2015):
 No he doesn't believe in women's freedom and equality. Do you get to look into his password and delete his friends too? The question is can you accept his male dominated culture? The culture that says if a woman is raped, it's her fault. If a woman is abused, she is not a good wife. A culture where men can do no wrong and women are the subspecies.
I should say there are American guys who are very insecure and jealous too. It's not limited to certain countries, just that American women are less likely to want to be controlled by their men.
...............................
|
