A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm worried that my dependancy on sex workers might one day make it impossible for me to be in a real relationship with a womanI see strippers about 2x a week and visit prostitutes 3-4x a month. i also call sex phone lines or watch pornography once or twice a week if I get lonely. it costs a lot of money but I have a good job. it doesnt hurt my bank account really because I have such a wellpaying job. of course no one in my life knows where my money goes, they'd never suspect that i do these things because i am a normal man. the prostitutes I see are through escort agencies or massage parlour type places, rarely girls picked up off the street. but i admit to doing that sometimes too. usually i meet them on the internet. some of them i see regularly. i like this because sometimes it feels like an actual relationship. they know me and my name, my interests, my sexual desires. i have a hard time relating to women because i find that none of them are ever interested in me. it gets frustrating being rejected sexually. I've only had sex with two women who aren't prostitutes/strippers. i have had sex with probably over a hundred different prostitutes/strippers, and recieved oral from... countless. i have had a few mild STDs that were cleared up with medicine from doctors. but its not the STDs that worry me so much as my dependancy on these women.what are the odds that a woman will want to be with me romantically if she knows about my history with sex workers? i consider myself a respectful and good looking man. but i have a hard time being sexually intimate with real women. i cannot let my guard down. the two women who werent sex workers were never satisfied by me. they did not acheive orgasm and both mentioned to me several times that i was not a competent lover, i did not last long enough or pay enough attention to their needs. i fear i am not a good lover. the prostitutes dont ever bother me about these sorts of things and make me feel like a great lover and a very attractive man, things i dont feel in real relationships, which i have had several, but only 2 with intercourse. I am very lonely and feel disconnected from the rest of the world. i fear women, and part of me kind of hates them too, because one of my girlfriends cheated on me (we were not having sex at the time, never did have sex, she said she was sexually frustrated). i feel like i have been used and abused by many women and dont know how to trust one ever again. the prostitutes i dont really think of as women but they are, i guess... i dont know.does anyone have any advice for a man in my situation? i am getting older and i am coming to realise that i havent found the one yet. i have been looking for the one all of my life. i am desperate to find her. i want to fall in love and have a companion and get married and raise children and all of that stuff. i have enough money to support any women. but i fear they will not be satisfied by me or may judge me for my sex worker past, or they may not satisfy me the same way as the prostitutes and strippers do. how do i start moving past the sex workers and into real dating? i have never had success, how do i become a successful lover?
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cheated on me, escort, money, orgasm, porn, prostitute, sexually frustrated, std, stripper, the internet Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, yoglama +, writes (4 March 2011):
I broke up with a man who was hiding from me that he frequented prostitutes in the past. He was bad at sex... and he he had strange delusions about obvious reality thingsbut he alsways said he hates lies and escapism.I broke up with him because he lied and said his inadequecy in bed is because he hasn't had much sex. He told me that he was dishonest because he figured that I would love him enough to ignore his past if I got to know him first.Also he had a strange perception of his penis size- abilities in many things,I guess he didn't know the prostitutes were lying to him.He was timid when we were together, but became hostile in his speech after we broke up. Yes, regularly visiting prostitutes can affect your future
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): I wouldn't touch you with a bargepole knowing that you are happy to pay for sex.
You see women as a commodity and I very much doubt that you even know how to relate to a real woman, rather than an actress who is paid to "enjoy" her time with you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): You should definitely stop since this is becoming an out of control habit.
The toughest part is going to be when you go out with unpaid women. If rejection occurs, you will get down in the dumps and the cycle of wanting to hire someone will happen again.
You have to break that cycle and truck on. Breaking the cycle is going to hurt but it has to be done.
I've been there. You are doing it to fill a loneliness inside you. It is not about the lust.
Being able to listen to a girl helps, but I would not recommend revealing your past to anyone who likes you since they are likely to be scared off by it. That's just the way things are.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2009): Hey, buddy, I Envy you! I'm married w/3 kids, and believe me, its not all it's cracked up to be! If I were you, I would just forget about trying to have a relationship, and just stick with what your doing! There is no law that states you must get married and/or have children! If you feel like you must do one, or both of those things, the press those feelings down! At least you get to see different women, and whenever you want! Wow, what a great life!
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A
male
reader, Advice_man +, writes (15 December 2009):
 I can understand how you feel.I think your real problem, and you mention it somewhere, is not sex-related. You are just using paid sex to temporary fight loneliness and the luck of intimacy in your life. But that's the wrong approach. You are just like a drug-addict who is looking for happiness in the world of drugs, or a gambler who is looking for thrill in gambling. Those are all wrong approached towards life. And I guarantee you that yes, this attitude will cause you problems in possible future relationships because maybe no girl can compete a sex-professional in sex, or offer you that kind of intimacy. Maybe that's why you had troubles in the past, you never really found them that attractive. Try to focus on other things, get a hobby or something, stop thinking of sex and attractive girls all the time, life is much more than this. Best of luck!
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (15 December 2009):
 Well you say it yourself, your view of women is kinda messed up.
So, you were once cheated on. Big deal, I don't think that caused it all. It probably went deeper and you have amplified it over the years were currently the only way to relate to half of the population is if you pay them.
Might I presume that you have trouble relating to guys as well? No, that doesn't mean you don't have friends, I mean REALLY relate to people. As in trust them, rely on them, open up to them?
I think you have very neatly defined your social life. Friends are someone you give a measure of services to, for which you give some back. You help them move, they help fix your car. Women you pay, they give sex. All very neat and totally unpersonal.
This is hard to change. Unlike others, I don't think you are a sex-addict, you just seek to control the interaction with others. I notice that you don't seem to re-use hookers? because that would get to personal?
This is hard to deal with, you have had this routine for a long time, and as said, I think this started far earlier then the indicident with your ex.
I really don't have any advice to give as this is nothing I am familiar with. The only thing I can say is that if you want things to change, you must do so. Stop using hookers. Full stop. No strip clubs either, they help you to see women as objects, not people.
Then, try to open your social life. Not with women perse, but with other people. Try to be more open, to allow yourself to be hurt and cheated on. That is life. You can shut yourself up to stop the hurt but you stop the living as well. They come together.
There is another post about a man who found out his wife was not only not a virgin but had a lot of sex before and during their courtship. (the post changed later when he said she had cheated in the marriage as well). You can say he was hurt but you can also say that by risking to be hurt he had ten years of a happy marriage with nice kids. Yes, he may now be hurt again, but if he had shut himself up like you, he would have had nothing.
Your choice, continue with the nothing, or open yourself up for something else. If you find this hard then it might be time to see a shrink to deal with whatever has caused you to feel this way.
But I would stop the sex-workers right away if you want things to change and to stop cold turkey. Because however you motivate yourself now, it will all be done the next time you use a woman as service dispenser.
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A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (15 December 2009):
 Unlike the other answers here, I will actually try to help you.You are being labelled a 'sex addict'. The other posters feel safe hiding behind that statement. They have heard the term, and think they know what it means. You are a 'sex addict' because you go pay for sex, and watch pornography. If you were not paying prostitutes, and not watching porn, but having sex with different 'normal' women every day, they would feel better about you, and would have no problem dating you.A sex addict feels the need to have sex for proof of his/her ability to attract someone of the opposite sex. A male sex addict will not watch porn or pay for prostitutes, but he will continually chase women in the conventional way. So the real sex addicts are easy to spot. A different woman every day, constantly seeking reassurance that they can get a woman. After one or two dates, boredom sets in, and they go on the hunt again. In your case, it's the fact that you have paid for sex ..... that somehow takes you 'off limits' for most women here.A real sex addict has a much greater chance of STD than you do. But women willingly fall into their beds. You are actually not a sex addict, but you have found yourself in a common situation. The only problem you have is fear. You fear rejection, and you fear your lack of control over a womans feelings.Well, I'm sorry to say it, but tough. You have to face your fear.Every woman in the world has the right to say no to you. Every woman has the right to think that you are not attractive.But prostitutes dont say no, do they? Especially after you have paid them. And a porn star actress does what she does for the camera, and for money.You cannot hide from real feelings all your life. People get hurt by their loved ones, rejected by people they would die for, and turned down by those they lust after. It happens every day. You think you should be exempt from all those nasty feelings? Stop taking the easy option. It means nothing, and is not real. If you want to have a proper relationship with a woman, then stand up and FACE YOUR FEAR.PM me if you want to discuss.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2009): look, let us put this in the right prespective. you are not the only guy who goes to prostitutes. All you have to do is read the tabloid papers to know that alot of celebrities and famus men use the services of prostitutes and escort agencies and alot of happily married men go to such places when they are on holidays or attending conventions or business meetings.so stop beating yourself. However I think you have a problem in that although you say you are a goodlooking man but you definitly lack confidance in yourself and feel that you are not worthy of a nice decent girl.Probably you also doubt the size of your penis.Probably this has been the result of being dumped by a few girls before. well, you should know that we men get dumped by quite a few as well as we dump quite a few before we find the right girl with whome we want to spent the rest of our lives.
I suggest you should read alot of books on how to improve your personality and attract the opposite sex and have a hobby like learning a particular music instrument or a partcular sport or public speaking or what. just forget your past and keep away from prostitutes because you could catch a nasty disease from one of them. you have been lucky so far but don't count on your luck for ever. Go and find yourself a nice girl and you don't need to confess to her all your past. don't forget you are not the only one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2009): Im not sure what you mean when you say you have a hard time being sexually intimate with `real` women. The women you have sex with, even though you are paying them, are still real women my friend and you need to regard them as such. You have no respect for women because you have no respect for yourself.
You need therapy for your sex addiction as you are leading a very unhealthy life style and in answer to your question. I think you will find it very hard to settle with a `real` woman all the time you have such damaging issues. To be a good lover takes time and experience. While other men your age were aquiring these skills, you were just paying to be satisfied and learning nothing. I for one could never date a man addicted to pornography and sex workers. Youve got yourself into a right old mess and the best thing you can do now, before you even start thinking about meeting Miss Right is to get your life cleaned up. I hope you can manage it. All the best.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (15 December 2009):
My advice is that you start researching on sex addiction or just try google "sex addict anonymous". This type of life has already affected your ability to make normal relationships but I really think you can be helped by a 12 step program. So try find out what's available in your area. Most women would be troubled by your sexual history, but perhaps if you tried dating a former prostitute then she would be best suited to understanding your situation. Maybe one of the whores you are seeing now are thinking of retiring so you could try taking her out to lunch after one of your sessions. But you would probably also need to pay for that hour too; still might be worth it tho, you never know. Despite her job, there is a real person inside too who needs love.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2009): I personally would NEVER date you- knowing that your past sex life was basically all strippers and prostitutes.
I suggest stopping with them.
O.o
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