A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating a very sweet loving and charismatic girl for just under 6 months now (6 months exactly on the 27th of December). I'm really worried about our compatibility; although I sincerely am in love with her, we share almost zero common interests. She enjoys virtually none of the television, movies or music I do, our tastes for food are completely polar, she doesn't read the kind of books I read and she doesn't share any hobbies with me. Even worse, our ideas of an ideal sex life are certainly opposite; I waited five months for her to finally be ready and willing to have sex but just recently (12 days after we actually had sex for the first time)she complains to me that all I ever want from her is sex. She told me specifically that her ex boyfriend was constantly harassing her for sex and she disliked how that made her feel (I would imagine she felt very cheap and used). I did bring up the topic in a conversation with her because it had been so long and we were going to meet soon (She lives an hour away from me) and I was really missing her. On average we only see each other once or twice a week so I think my wanting to have sex is well justified.She's also been very emotional and insecure lately asking me about my previous relationships and if I have feelings for any ex girlfriends. Although I don't think she really believes me when I tell her the truth is that I really don't care about any other girl right now. I'm really worried about the relationship. A few weeks ago I could have easily thought of her as the one and only girl for me but now I'm struggling to find solid reasons to stay with her. I'm entirely open to working to get our relationship as strong and intimate as it can be but she usually just rejects anything I try to share with her.I'm only 21 and this is really the first serious relationship I've been in where I'm this committed to making things work so I'd like to hear some advice from the more experienced on what I should consider. Obviously my first step is going to be talking with her and trying to find out where her problems lie and what I can do to help amend them but if this fails what might be my best option(s)?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2009): Thanks, those are very good pieces of advice. I did just finish talking to her and it wasn't the topic of sex itself that bothered her so much as the way I approached it which made her think of how her ex boyfriend used to treat her. I'll approach the topic a bit more carefully in the future and I told her that as long as she can tell me what is bothering her I'll try best to support and help her; our relationship seems a little stronger now.I'm taking advice and not worrying about the common interests right now. I'll try to introduce her to things I enjoy once in a while and she will do the same so we can grow into common interests together.I appreciate the advice and help, Thank you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2009): PS: Give it a little more time as it sounds like you really want to try and you seem a really sweet guy too. Perhaps miss out the part about considering ending the realationship as this might make her even more insecure. If it isn't meant to be and carries on causing you worry then you'll know. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2009): You sound like you would be very good at talking to her as you've been really good at expressing it here. If she has been treated badly in a previous realationship it's likely that she's still hurting from that, even though she has zero feelings for the previous guy. It may have knocked her confidence and would explain her low self esteem.
To help her self esteem you can try giving her compliments when she hasn't asked for them. Not just on here appearence but on the unique things you love about her personality. Make sure you really mean them though as women are very good at picking up when someone isn't being honest and sincere. What you said at the start of this is really nice for example. As a woman I'd love to be called charasmatic :) More thought and feeling in that than say, "you're really sexy". (Although that can be good too. Mix it up a bit.)Really, she needs to grow in confidence herself by doing other things and seeing friends who love her. When she feels more confident in herself this will help with her insecurities regarding previous girlfriends etc. She may feel unworthy of your love. Let her know this isn't true.
As for having things in common. That doesn't always have to be a problem. My husband and I share common goals and opinions in life but as far as hobbies etc go we vary quite a bit. It's never been an issue. Makes things more interesting as we can introduce the other to new things they might not try themselves. It is a problem if not having things in common gets in the way. If she wants to go to gigs to bands you dislike every weekend, for example, and you don't want to go with her. That kind of thing. Otherwise I think that can be worked round if you really like her and fancy her. Which you obviously do :)
Get together somewhere where you can be alone and feel comfortable, and have a chat with her about your concerns. She might have things she wants to say too. Make sure you listen and respond to her feelings as much as you talk about your own.
What you have put here is a really good explanation so that'd be a good place to start. (not sure how she'd feel about you asking about it on the internet though so maybe keep that out of it for now, just in case.She might be fine about it but if she's very insecure then I'd guess it'd worry her.)
Be open, honest and gentle. You seem like a reasonable, sensitive guy so if you want to make a go of it, I think you will find a way. Lots of luck to you. Let us know how you get on.
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