A
female
age
41-50,
*nica hija
writes:I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now and recently he is becoming religious and being distant. he is a muslim and recently started listening to a lecture (unknown) about their religion and i think it influences him a lot. he told me that once upon a time he was just an ordinary person who has nothing. no job, no car, no money. but he was happy because he is very close to God. He was happy spiritually and mentally. and now that he got this job... he won a new car from the lottery, his lifestyle changed completely. he's afraid that he is loosing his good relationship to him. Three weeks back, he asked me if I can see myself getting married to him. I said Im not sure because of my past experience (I had a Muslim boyfriend for 3 years, planned our future together but he wasnt able to marry me coz his parents didnt allow him, they said Im a christian and Im not from their country). He is not different from my EX. He is also a Muslim and belongs to a very closed and conservative family. When I return him the same question, he said he's not sure as well coz he's not yet ready. Financially and Mentally. he said he still have a lot of things in his mind. He also said he doesnt like me wearing sexy clothes, going to clubs (im a party person) but he never stop me. coz he he knows i'll do it for him coz i love him but i would still wear those kind of clothes when he's not around. he said he wants me to change by myself but i never did. he also said if i ask you to be a muslim which i will never do, are you willing to convert? I couldnt answer him.He stopped drinking few weeks back. he also stopped sleeping with me. But this is not what is bothering me. Im afraid that Im loosing him because of his devotion to God. I already asked him if I am becoming a hindrance for him to become a person that he wanted to be, he said "yes, but its not you as a person". its our relationship. and I asked him if he's thinking about breaking up with me because of this, he said no. i love you so much. and my religion wont be the reason why am i gonna break up you. but you must understand, people change. I am sure after 10 years I will be a completely different person from who I am now. Then he asked me if he is becoming a religious figure will i still love him??? I couldnt answer him back. I told him I am willing to support him for all these... I never stopped him for anything. When it come to his religion, I am very understanding. in fact even if sometimes i need him to be with me, if i know that he's going to the mosque that time, i dont call him or ask him.Last night me and my friends had a christmas party. he was there. he celebrated christmas with us. he is with us but his mind is not there. i knew he was thinking again. he looks uncomfortable. and when he was talking to my friends, he seems okay. he has a lot of stories/ideas to share with 'em but when he was talking to me, he seemed distant. he was on silent most of the time. Im afraid this religion is really getting into him that he wouldnt want to have me around anymore. what shall i do? i feel like giving up now. he used to be so loving and caring. Now even if he knows im feeling bad about something... he will just tell me "just pray and sleep. tomorrow you'll be fine". everything is different now. Now a days if we are talking its all about Islam. he would always say i love you but i can see a lot of changes in him. the time we used to spend together, the way we talked, our closeness... his mood, his ways...i think these are all getting affected. i dont know how much can i digest. I dont know until when can I pretend that Im okay and that I do understand why is he putting this pressure on me. i feel like giving him some space but i dont know if its gonna make the situation better. I need some advice please.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (28 December 2009):
 unica hija,At this point, it would be better for your own peace of mind to just give him space. Don't send any more texts, emails or call him. Otherwise, you'll drive yourself mad thinking about how he's distancing himself. As for telling him how you feel, you've already done that.Stay busy with the activities you find meaningful and enjoy: friends, family, reading, clubbing, whatever.If he really wants to be with you, in time (and it could be months) he will contact you and let you know. Just don't put your life on hold waiting for that possibility! Good luck to you.
A
female
reader, unica hija +, writes (28 December 2009):
unica hija is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you guys for the advice. honestly I dont have any problem if I am going to convert to a Muslim. I have nothing against their religion and i had my own research about it. there is not that much difference between christianity and Islam i must say. but I am not even sure if my boyfriend is going to marry me... as I have said he told me that he's not sure if he is marrying me. I am not gonna convert without him proposing to me. apart from this, I am not sure how more can I digest... I mean this is really hard for me. to watch him slowly changing and being distant to me... i really dont know what to do. Shall I talk to him about my feelings? or I'll just give him the space that I think he needs???
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (26 December 2009):
Well, it sounds as if he does love you, but while he has always been a Muslim, clearly he has undergone a deeper shift - or conversion - in his faith. You already recognize that you may lose him because of his devotion to God, and it does appear this is a real possibility.
Your ex was also Muslim, so I expect you have a good understanding of what Islam requires from its followers, and its teachings and customs, correct?
If you do continue to date him and eventually marry, you have to ask yourself if you are prepared to conform to the values he holds i.e., the way you dress, going clubbing, etc. He might not be asking you to change at this point, but if you were to get married, the likelihood is that he would certainly expect, if not outright demand, it. Then there would be the pressure from his parents......
I'm afraid this is a hard choice for you, and you treasure the relationship, only you need to consider the future, and what you are willing to do, or not do.......would you be willing to become Muslim yourself, for instance? You can reasonably anticipate there would be pressure on you to take that step.
Take care!
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A
female
reader, julie52  +, writes (26 December 2009):
sorry to hear all this all i can say is i am in the same situation except mine had gone back to saudi for his fathers funeral that was 5 weeks ago and he has not contacted me since , so you as well as me have to put a time when this stops in your head mine is january 5th , and that is to be and will be the end . i know one thing the control of clothes i have the same , does not like me to go out , but like you i do , i see and feel the control all the time and if i ever hear allah again i will scream , it was also fed to me like breakfast dinner and tea. so enough of these complicated relation ships girl . as we say made in britain , i think this is the best rule we can go by and stick with our own good luck ,
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