| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: Hi.Me and my boyfriend have been together for one month and we are engagged. I found out recently that his ex is Pregnant with his kid. At first I thought he was having an affair but she is two months gone. I'm scared that if she keeps it will he leave me and go with her and the child.
View related questions:
affair, his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2005): My boyfriend and I are also faced with teh same situation. We are planning on getting married soon and his ex just told us the same thing. Your boyfriend must love you a lot if you are both engaged and he isnt just going to get up and drop everything with you to be back with a girl who he obviously didnt feel as strongly for. My boyfriend wants to adopt his ex's and his child and wants the two of us to raise it together. While i am okay with this i wonder how she feels. a woman isnt just going to give up her child and give it to her ex boyfriend. Idealy in both our situations its all a lot less complicated if teh girls decide not to keep it but thats not always the case. I wouldnt worry so much about wheither or not he will leave you because he must love you very much if he wasnts to spend his life with youbut what the three of you are going to do with this child. You should worry about who is going to be taking care of it. OThers may tell you to just back away from the whole thing and move on with your own life but i wouldnt give up on love so easily. whatever you do i hope you think about it first.
mel
A
female
reader, Delila +, writes (1 September 2005):
I would call off the engagement untill things are sorted out with his kid. Mind yourself here and keep your distance to protect yourself. It is still early days, pull back now before you get hurt.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2005): It's hard to draw conclusions about your situation from such a short letter, but whether or not "he goes back" to her is dependent on how much of a solid, committed, loving relationship you two share. You do bring up his questionable behaviour as to whether he had an affair with the ex? That tells me you may have inner, nagging doubts about this man? Best to have a talk with and find out, where he stands with you. It's my hope he will reassure you
that-he's there for you...all the way just as you will be for him. If he has totally broke away from her and your love is strong..you have nothing to worry about.
There is a good chance she will keep the baby and he will be legally, morally and financially responsible for this child. And there will be a new LOVE in his life...his new baby. You do realize that a good deal of his priorities & will be focused on the proper care and love for his baby.(expect at leat 20 years ahead of you) You will need to trust & support your boyfriend so that he will be able to adjust to this new development in his life. He should want to include you in this part of his life. Depending on the dynamics of his relationship with the baby's mother, she may or may NOT want you around but remember, your BF is the legal father and you are his GF..she will have to come to accept that and respect your role in the life of your BF and her new child. Whether she will or not..is her choice. It's my hope, she puts the baby's well-being ahead of her own feelings and doesn't hold your BF's love for his child, at emotional ransom just to get back you both. All petty jealousies and immature, selfish behaviours will have to be put aside to ensure that baby has a happy, loving future. You will be the step-mother and I hope you can offer this child as much love, support & mature guidance as his biological parents can.
As a mother of three myself, I can honestly say, that as a new parent, the day your baby is born, that beautiful, helpless little baby becomes the most important thing in your life. The feelings of love will be all-consuming, so expect him to want to be there with the baby...a lot! I can only hope..he will have respect for you, to include you in his visits with his child. Again, their will be NO room for hate and anger between you and the mother.
You've now entered this relationship knowing that you might have a challenging time ahead and so I think the only thing you can do is be lovingly patient and put trust in your boyfriend. If your love for wach other is true, try your best to adjust and be supportive to him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Emmi +, writes (11 August 2005):
HI
Believe it or not, ive just gone through the exact same thing. Ive being with my boyfriend for just over a month now, he has 2 kids to his ex partner and she has just given birth to their 3rd child.
You are both obviuosly in love with each other otherwise you wouldnt have got engaged so fast.
Your partner and his ex split up for some reason and now he has found you.
I wont lie to you, it is hard when there are children involved and you have to come to terms that this child will be his number 1 priority.
This will be a financial burden on you and him if/when you get married as he is going to have to pay the relevant amounts of money to the child and his EX.
The was i see it is, if you are both happy with each other and willing to committ to each other the way you have already then i dont think you have anything to worry about babe.
Go with the flow, take each day as it comes and believe me, every day will get better and better.
Keep Smiling xx
...............................
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (11 August 2005):
 I'd like to make some observations about your problem.
First, why are earth are you engaged after being together with your boyfriend for only a month? What's the rush? Have you ever heard that old adage "Marry in haste, repent at leisure"? It means you can get married in a hurry, but if it goes wrong, you have a whole lifetime of regret to mull it over. Divorce sounds easy, but trust me... it ain't.
Speaking as a women who "repented at leisure", I advise that you hold those horses. There is no way that you need to be engaged after a month. Someone who asks you to marry him that quick is either an immigration fraud, or has bad debts that he wants you to share. Whatever it is, you don't want to involve yourself with someone that quickly.
Take a step back and look at this situation from another viewpoint. It looks scary and suspicious.
The second observation is that your boyfriend doesn't sound very responsible or reliable (or very old), if he's jumping into "engagements" with you, after getting his ex pregnant. You should give some thought to why he'd do that to her, then bail out so fast to be with you. For example, might he do the same thing to you as he did to the ex? Maybe he'll leave you pregnant when he moves on to the next one? You have to admit, he doesn't have a great track record.
As to whether he's going to "go back" to her, you need to consider this fact very, very carefully: if she gives birth to his child, he's going to have a lifelong connection with her and their baby. For at least the next 15-20 years, maybe more, he's going to have a legal responsibility to care for and financially support his child. That means that you'll be likely to see that child often, and your boyfriend's income will be spread between your household (assuming you get married) and his ex's household. Are you ready for that?
Even if he doesn't leave you and go back to her, you're going to be a part of that baby's life and you'll be seeing a lot of his ex for years and years. So will your boyfriend.
You need to remember that when you're deciding what your next move is. The baby isn't responsible for its own conception, so you can't be angry at the child for existing.
What happens next is up to you.
...............................
|
