A
female
age
36-40,
*weetinsanity
writes:Hello all, I really need some opinions and information, please.My situation is as it follows : I had a bf, then we engaged and wanted to get married. We haven't had actual intercourse, nor did we have oral. But we engaged in some heavy petting : dry humping as they call it (i.e. going through the motions of sex while clothed ) and masturbation. At that time, I haven't realised the impact it would have on me. We broke up and never married. However, after that I met the most wonderful guy EVER. HE's so smart and funny and handsome. We are having a relationship for 6 months now, although we live quite far so it's a distance relationship . we were together - I mean actually together for 1 month at best. The problem is that I regret what I ve done with my ex, I really really regret it and wish to undone it. I was so naive and I loved him very much at that time. he kind of pressured me. I don't want to blame only him, because it's my fault also. Since then , I Have a real trouble dealing with this since I always wanted to be a virgin and give my husband to be this. I know my now bf has the same values and principles, and it makes me so very sorry to not be able to tell him what I was going through. I just cannot disappoint him. Although I want to tell him, I an going through hard times, imagining he won t be able to bear this. I also read stories of husbands who cannot get over their wives past. It made me even more concerned. I also was abused in the past as a child, thing that had a tremendous impact on me. I have had and still have amnesia regarding those times, I cannot remember what exactly happened and how far but I know it was smth very wrong which went on for years. Please help me !!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): It's possible your boyfriend will be bothered by your past, but it sounds like almost nothing to me.Please don't take this as an insult, but I can't help but wonder if your fear of rejection is somehow related to the abuse you experienced as a child. Perhaps you are holding yourself to an unrealistically high standard of perfection as a result of guilt from your past abuse? (i.e. I've heard that some victims of abuse feel guilty about it because they believe they are somehow responsible for causing the abuse) I'm not a psychologist by any means, so I might be way off base on that.The men who have trouble dealing with their wive's pasts are typically married to a woman who has actually had sex with quite a few men. Your past is trivial in comparison. For example, I have some problems with my gf's past because she's had sex with quite a few men and she's told me she loved it. If she had your past, I don't think it would bother me at all.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): I've lived this with my wife, and I hope you get professional help before you get married. My wife wishes she had, and not because of what I did but because of what she did to me because of what was done to her."I also read stories of husbands who cannot get over their wives past. It made me even more concerned."The past is important, it can cause us to act in certain ways that we don't see."I also was abused in the past as a child, thing that had a tremendous impact on me. I have had and still have amnesia regarding those times, I cannot remember what exactly happened and how far but I know it was smth very wrong which went on for years."Abuse often lead to this "amnesia", it is called "dissociation". It is a survival response. My wife says that when we try to talk about the past (with and without a counselor) she just goes "bland", like an opaque window in her memory, where nothing is clear but all is foggy.If your bf can't deal with your past, then you shouldn't marry him. You need to deal with your past as well.Go to couples counseling, and thoroughly explore your past, and your sexual experiences, both good and bad, with the counselor, and your relationship experiences. If you don't, then the past will harm your relationship terribly, and more likely than not the relationship will fall apart due to "things" that you can't explain. But, it is all explainable, "normal" responses to "abnormal but frighteningly common bad experiences".Purchase and read the following books, THOROUGHLY.Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma by Staci Haines (Author) This book can be extremely helpful.The Complete ACOA Sourcebook: Adult Children of Alcoholics at Home, at Work and in Love by Janet G. Woititz (Author) - you might want to just read the part about "fears" in this book, but the entire book can be very helpful, whether there is alcohol use/abuse in the family or not. It helps you understand what happens to people who have been abused. Just replace alcohol with abuse.My wife's past didn't bother me at all, but it ate at her soul and nearly destroyed our marriage and our family and her life.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): "Bottom line. If someone loves someone, they are not going to care about ______."
This kind of generalization is false regardless of what is written in the blank.
Real life is not a fairy tale. There are many factors affecting people's mate choices and they are not all nice & rosy things.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): Honesty is the best policy, but in your situation you should have a secret that you should keep to yourself. But their is really nothing wrong with your past. I have the same problem I told my bf about my past by choice coz he had to know and once in awhile he gets a disturbing thoughts about it and because I can't do much about it but I'm proud of telling him. So my suggestion to you is that move on, look for at the future and what you both can have. Enjoy each others company and don't dwell in the past. Hope everything goes well! Wish you all the best!
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (28 February 2011):
 err.. what past?
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (28 February 2011):
 Bottom line. If someone loves someone, they are not going to care about their past. I believe that if he really loves you, the fact that you are not a virgin will not make a difference. By the way, you are a complete and total, utter virgin. You did not even go to oral with the guy. If your boyfriend has any issues with your past, then he never loved you and only loved the idea of you as a virgin. Example-I have a hero complex. I felt like I could not stop thinking about this one girl for two years. I recently realized the only reason why I really liked her was because she was a damsel in distress, aka, a pretty victim as a female friend put it. I was in love with the concept of saving the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, mixed with the fact that she was off the market in a bad relationship with a not so nice guy. Now that I see her on her own, successful, doing well, etc. I am very happy and glad for her, but I lost that NEED to be with her. Yea, she has a good personality, I can see myself dating her and liking her, but I don't see myself being so utterly head over heels for her until I get to know HER as a person vs her as a concept better. I am messed up. I am attracted to damsels in distress, especially really, really beautiful ones. This guy, if he falls out of love with you because you dry humped some dude, never was in love with you in the first place.So, in a nutshell, if you don't tell him, you would be committing to a relationship that would continue under false pretenses.Be honest, be open, and be up front. Honesty does not kill real relationships. Honesty kills fake relationships and allows for the building of real ones. -IHateWomanBeaters
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