A
female
age
41-50,
*ock chic
writes:Hi im feeling very confused right now, I finished with my ex, my daughter's dad 2 and half years ago, over his lies and drink problem, he finally sorted himself out etc and he sees our daughter every other weekend, I have been filled with anger towards him for half the time we split and now it's subsided I realise I still really care for him, I know for a fact he still loves me, we had a heart to heart last night. I would get back with him but I told him I can't as our daughter is still trying to get over us not being together (she's now 6 years old) and if it doesn't work out again it would kill her and I can't put her through that. I'm not sure what I'm asking but will it get easier? Shall we try again? He is actually with someone else but it's so obvious he doesn't love her, I no he cares about her but that's it.
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female
reader, Rock chic +, writes (5 July 2014):
Rock chic is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo defo not jealous! Iv dated tons and if anything I feel very sorry for her! She's a nice lady but way too needy for her own good. I'm very strong if I wasn't I'd be with any tom, dick or harry.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2014): I'm wondering if he suddenly looks better and you realize you do care; because "He is actually with someone else."
Your second guessing yourself may be a little motivated by jealousy. Seeing him moving on and finding someone else is probably hard to digest; since you are still in recovery, and you are not romantically involved with anyone yourself.
You gave a very valid reason you shouldn't go back.
Your daughter.
She shouldn't have to endure your sloppy mistakes and avoidable lapses in judgment. A dysfunctional family,
and alcohol abuse from your ex-husband.
Your feelings are conflicted, and they may be based on the fact he's with another woman.
If you took him back, you'd only be doing it in competition with the other woman. He will be in recovery from his drinking problem the rest of his life. He was forced to seek help; but he had to lose two of the most important people in his life before he decided to do something about it.
You suffered to the extent you had no choice but to leave him, and get your daughter out of that environment. Now you're getting all cozy; because he's putting on his best behavior to get you back. While technically cheating on another woman; who thinks he cares about her. Playing you like a cheap fiddle.
You still feel married to him, and that he's cheating on you.
So now you think it's possible to try again?
You just don't want her to have him. Not because you really want him back. That's about your ego, my good lady!
He hasn't changed. You've had some time away from him, and the relief you feel isn't because he has improved; it's because you have improved. You have your sense of self back.
No, it isn't easy getting over someone you love. It's hell. The withdrawal from your attachment just puts you through agony; and the doubt of possibly making a mistake will nag at you until you finally realize you've made the right decision.
You get better once your subconscious has adjusted to the fact he is no longer in your life. That is what recovery from a divorce or breakup is. The "mind" letting go, and accepting that the relationship no longer exists. The mind is stubborn; because it took a lot of brain chemicals to connect you two as a couple; and time only reinforced that connection. Then things turned sour, the bond between you has fractured. Now your subconscious has to be convinced that the separation is permanent. You're fighting against yourself, with doubt and indecision. You miss him. You've forgotten all the good reasons you left him. Another woman is now clouding your memory of that terrible past.
Stop it!
You are still a young and vibrant female. You lost touch with yourself when you deeply submerged yourself in a marriage, maybe your job, and being a mother.
That takes all of you. It has been about them, and not about you for a long-time. Now it's about you, and you're scared to face it. As a mother, you will naturally put your child's needs and well-being far ahead of your own. That's a given. Only you forgot how to make yourself happy without feeling selfish.
This is when selfishness is appropriate. When you are in recovery from a major loss and feeling grief. You focus on healing. You do what you must to survive, and you try to bounce back. No... better than just try, you fight with all your might!!! You reach deep down inside and you dig for ever particle of strength you can muster; to move forward and give your daughter and yourself a good life. You reclaim your independence. You learn your own power, and build confidence in your own survival skills. You don't need a man. Although loving one is good. Once you've found the right one for you.
Your daughter is learning through you that you can love someone; but if that person hurts you badly, and they do nothing to make it up to you. You must leave them in order to save yourself. You cannot stay and let them destroy you.
You will also teach her that a woman can survive on her own; and doesn't need a man in order to do that. You will also teach her that you can survive the loss of someone you really love. If he leaves on his own, or if you have to leave him. You will both learn, if your husband or boyfriend didn't show you he loved you equally; that you can(and should) move on; to find someone better equipped to do what he couldn't.
You can and will find someone else to love you, and it's okay to do that. In your heart; you know the one you tried to love couldn't properly return it. He just didn't try hard enough to prove he deserved it.
She will learn from your strength. Your daughter will give you strength; because she knows that both your survival together depends on it. You will get through this, and feel stronger than you've ever felt before.
It will not defeat you. It only feels like it now, because it's so fresh. The fact he found another woman makes you feel threatened; but you shouldn't feel that way. She is getting what didn't work for you. Your daughter should have a happy and content mother, and a stable home to live in. You may have to provide that by yourself.
He will be a co-parent, and you can maintain a civil and serene relationship as friends with your ex-husband.
You have to detach the romantic feelings; because they are misplaced. He didn't change when it was crucial to keep your family intact. You can't trust him to continue to do that. So do what is best for your daughter and you.
Get strong, move forward, and find your happiness.
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A
female
reader, Rock chic +, writes (5 July 2014):
Rock chic is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes brokenv u could be right, but after the first time leaving him and having to go through every other wknd with my daughter crying for her dad I think it would mess her up if it didn't work again. I have dated and my daughter has never met anyone as it's never gone anywhere lol I think he needs to leave her even if we didn't try again
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2014): if he dont like you for who you are then dont do any more with him
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (5 July 2014):
First of all he is with someone else. How confusing is that for your 6 year old daughter. I think he needs to break free and give himself time.
So your saying that if you guys try and it fails your daughter will NEVER get over it. I don't live your life but I find that hard to believe.
Why can't you date (when he is single)? Your daughter doesn't need to know who you are going out with Friday night. I think it is hard to turn down an opportunity to love. What if this is for ever after? You will never know until you try.
Failure is a part of life. We don't always get want we want in life. Your daughter needs to learn that whatever happens you (or her) can go through it with strength, courage and dignity.
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