A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend of 2 years has a 2 yer old daughter, i try my hardest to be a part of her life, play with her when she is around and i know it sounds selfish but i still cant get used to being number 2.I know its never going to change, but i cant stop thinking about all the 'firsts' that wont be his firsts, like firsts pregnancy, child birth, first steps etc..whenever his daughter is around i feel sad.. i feel sad thinking of him as a dad knowing it isnt to me..i wonder if this will continue to affect me in the long run, i think about going travelling and know he cant until she is well and truly grown up (he has said till she is 18) and i am only 20 and want to go to NYC next year..i think about moving in together and not having our weekends to ourselves cos she will be over, i think about that time when you get married and want to be alone with each other but we wont..should i break up with him because i cant handle it? or will it get easier? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010): I don't get this numbers game at all...but if your boyfriend makes you feel not so special he's not for you.
In this case you are being bothered by things he can't control. Yes, he has had many firsts before you.. and without you. For many women it won't matter. But to you it does.
If you feel your relationship limits you, he's not for you. What if he was a man with a demanding job who could not take time off for decades? Would you date a man like that?
He also sounds like he's still adjusting to having a child - its not as if people with children don't travel. Certainly this 18 year plan sounds weird. He's obviously sharing her with her mom, so he can, if he wants, make the effort to make sure that his new gf does not feel neglected. But if he was so great at managing relationships, he would be with the baby's mom, right?
So maybe you are getting signals that he's just not that into you... Move on
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (7 February 2010):
I think you know in your heart that this isn't going to work out. You're not number 2 because he doesn't love you, you're number 2 because like a good father he is putting his child first. One day when you have kids, you'll do it too. Let's face it though. You want to travel, and he can't. You want to move in, but you know his daughter will have to visit and you know you're not able to accept that. Your gut instinct is telling you to end it, and in truth for you right now that is better. You don't want to end up full of resentment in a few years because you sacrificed your youth for him.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (7 February 2010):
It's harsh but I would not be willing to wait 20 years to go travelling, and I would not be willing to be second all the time.
He chose to have a kid young, either because he thought it was a good idea or because he decided condoms weren't essential. So he now has to face the fact that a lot of girls won't want to be with him.
I know it's bad but I know I couldn't handle going out with a guy who had a kid. Just things like never being able to go out on a Saturday night!!
You are very young and so is he. There will be other girls out there for him, and there are a million guys out there who don't have kids and don't want any for a while, so it's not like this is the last chance at happiness for either of you.
Good Luck!! xx
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