A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have just found out that my finance that I have been with for over 12 years has been cheating on me for about 1 month. I found out when I received the cell phone bill and this odd number was all over the bill. He denied it so then I really researched it. Now that this has happened I truly know that I love him but another part of me feels I can never trust him again. The other person works at the same company as my finance so that makes it even harder. I don't trust him on his cell phone, computer, or even at work. What should I do to get past this. I am tired of worring about this. Please help.
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male
reader, EC +, writes (25 November 2007):
I've been in your shoes, its horrible. I hope your taking care of your health, thats most important right now. When trust is lost, you really have nothing. I caught my wife having multiple affairs at the same time. I was devistated and instead of taking care of myself, I was letting myself go bad. You can't do that if you want to stay focused on your situation. The choice is yours now if you think there will ever be trust again. It took me over 5 years to get some of it back, and some you never will. First put him on notice that you may or may not stay with him. Make him move out or you move out. Stand up to him, let him know you will not accept this in any relationship because its not worth the pain and unhappieness. You could be happier without him if you can't regain any trust. I still wrestle with what my wife did to our marriage and sometimes I feel that I should have ended my marriage when it all surfaced. I think if I was stronger I would have, and would have been happier later on rather then going thru all the garbage of trying to keep it together. I have managed my health well and have now confidence enough to stand up for myself. My wife see's this and is a lot more respectful then she had been to me. Just keep in mind that cheaters are selfish ,decietful , and good liars. Don't put up with any of it.
A
female
reader, happy9497 +, writes (23 November 2007):
I agree I've been there I've come to realize that its life, bad stuff happens people make mistakes sometimes more than once (male or female) u both just need to talk about it and if U is where he wanna be than u both will have to work at it and it's gonna take time for him to gain it back and it's gonna take willingness on your part, like not snooping or always wondering cuz thats hell. Its not gonna magically happen over night and its gonna take patience and I think if it lasted this long then he must be worth it so GOOD Luck on whatever u decide
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2007): Hi, I am sorry to hear of your situation I too have found out the same way with my partner of 11 years only 2 months ago. He went away for work on an island and it was happpening for 6 months. I followed it up through his phone bill also. You will get stronger just takes time. Get to know yourself and you will make the decision more rash.I know you love him and its hard, but I beleive it will take a really strong woman to live with it. I am trying! What I have done is I have moved out and got my own space which has helped me, he can then make a real effort if meant to be. You take care know and remember you are a good person and he hasnt done this to hurt you he has done it for his own reasons.
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A
male
reader, Samutsen  +, writes (23 November 2007):
 You may not find a solution nor may you find comfort or inner peace by constantly suspecting him, checking his emails or mobile phone bills. It is torture. It will lead you nowhere but break up or break down. You need to tell clearly and openly how you feel about this situation to him and that you cannot go on like this without trusting him. Then you need to observe him and hope and assume he is not wronging you. If something goes wrong -since you have been alerted- you will notice or feel it I guess. In case you are not convinced you have to make it very clear to him that you are strong enough to leave him. And if you show weakness, he will take advantage of it..he may. Lets hope not. But I am a strong believer in love games relationship games and one of the strongest instrument, leverage in a relationship for any party is the fear of losing the other.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2007): thats so awful and im so sorry. most of us have been there, i know i have. I can't imagine what you're feeling. You need to ask yourself, do you feel like you will EVER be able to trust him again? Is he willing to work on the relationship and do whatever he needs to do for you to trust him again? Has he even admitted to it? These are very important. BOTH of you have to be willing to work hard, in therapy or otherwise, to get what you had back. I hope this helps. Please give some more info and i'd love to try and help some more.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2007): Im sorry to hear that this has happened to you. I do not think that you will get past this that easy as HE STILL WORKS WITH HER!. To get passed this you are gonna have to do some serious thinking about your relationship and him too. He needs to understand that for your relationship to progress any further the affair has to end and he has to stop seeing her. This is where it becomes tricky as HE WORKS WITH HER! The trust has already been broken and you are always going to be wondering what he is doing. He owes it to you to show you that he wants to be with you. You have both been together for soooo long and looking at your age category you were together very young. You have both missed out on social growth opportunity and this may be his way of letting you know that he wants to see what else is out there! You say that this has made you realise how much you love him which is true But it is also the attachment that you share with him kicking in where you cannot imagine what life would be like without him and this is because you know that you are not ready to let him go. Think carefully about your relationship and dont be afraid to talk to him about your fears good luck.
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