A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Recently I have come to believe that I do not have feelings of sexual attraction unless they are built on a deep bond of friendship with someone. I have no desire to do anything with guys, not even kiss them, unless I feel extremely close to them. I recently confided in my cousin that I feel this way and she seems to think that I will experience the desire to kiss/have sex with people I don't know as well eventually, I just don't feel it yet because the truth is I've never done those things with anyone. When I have my first kiss, will I then become like my friends (become a more sexual person)? Or am I right in believing that this is just who I am and nothing will change? I'm only asking out of curiousity, I don't see this as abnormal or negative. Quite the contrary.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2015): Well, I'm like you too! Looking at the other answers, you have company :)If I don't have feel anything beyond a physical attraction i.e. no mental or emotional connection with a man, I don't even think about sex with that person.I also need to be close to them first as friends and develop a friendship. Physical attraction alone just doesn't do it for me. I mean I can appreciate they are fine specimens/good looking but so what? No connection,no desire,no sexual attraction.And, I don't think this is abnormal either. Normality is a spectrum and can be subjective. However,I am a pretty sexual person as far as having a desire for sex goes. Also,having a first kiss or sexual experience won't change this feeling of needing a close bond before thinking about sex. At least, it didn't for me.
A
female
reader, Questing for Love  +, writes (15 April 2015):
 Just wanted to say that I am exactly the same. Never had any sort of relationship with any guy and don't really feel the need to. I have no desire for sex or even the desire to see men naked to be honest. I am attracted to men, but that's about it. The only thing that bothers me is that I would have liked to form a relationship with someone through school as I would have had time to grow with them and get to know them. Unlike the dating world at the adult age where it requires meeting complete strangers with the hope of forming a relationship rather than just letting something natural happen, if that makes sense. Essentially growing with someone allows for two people to naturally bond whereas just meeting a stranger and hoping for a quick connection that WILL eventually grow is a bit harder to work with.Anyway, I'm trying to say you're not alone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2015): Hi
I am the same as you and have never questioned it. It's me, it's who I am. Why should you change? We are all very different. I could not imagine being intimate with somebody I don't know well enough yet. Personally, if I'm not in a relationship, sex rarely crosses my mind. If I'm in love or have very strong feelings for someone, then I enjoy sex as much as the next person. Have the courage to be you and enjoy being maybe a little different.
YOU decide when you're ready and who with.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 April 2015):
 Uhm. I don't know. It may be not negative or not abnormal, but, it's not even exactly normal, as in : the biological norm . It certainly is unusual, but that you said it yourself.
I quote from " Social basis of Human Behaviour in Sex " by Richard Tafliger :
" Women's ability to think consciously about their sexual choices (* as opposed to , say, a lioness in heat *) does not mean she does not have INSTINCTIVE desire as strong as a man's. What it does mean is that she often will subordinate that desire .
She may desire a physically attracrive man, but she will not actually have sex with him until he has satisfied more than physical criteria ".
In case it's not clear - this excerpt may seem to confirm what you say and feel, in fact it denies it.
It means that women, generally, do not mate strictly based on physical criteria only or instinctive attraction only ; other individual criteria must be met first , it may be about status, power, age....or intelligence and wit.... or , like in your case, being a good , reliable friend. But they DO feel an instinctual, animal attraction even to certain " inadequate " men .
I would not date, for instance, Jude Law, I don't care if he is rich, he is a notorious drunkard and a notorious cheater, and that makes him an inadequate partner to me. But, ( particularly when he was younger and leaner ! ) noticing he's got great lips and wondering how they'd feel under mine.... or if his skin under my hands would be as smooth as it looks... well, how could I not , I am a lioness in heat , I mean, an Agony Aunt, I mean- a woman ! ( sorry - certain thoughts get me slightly confused. Whew, it is me or it is getting warm inside here ? :)
So- I really could not say if you are repressing/ toning down natural insticts, or if you are just born and built this way.
I guess the only thing would be to try ( with the right person for you, sure ) and see what happens :).
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (15 April 2015):
 I think you should focus on finding a guy you love and the one that loves you back. Sex is part of that love and is meant to reinforce it. Focusing on sex without love is like focusing on breathing without the air. That means that sex with strangers is pointless and dangerous (as in STD).
So yes, your gut feelings are good and just go with them. Use them to find a man who has qualities you love and all that sex stuff will fall in its place by itself.
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