A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I want some opinions on my boyfriend. We have been dating 7 months now. He wants me to move in and get married already but I still have reservations. Something that concerns me is his lack of motivation. I can't decide if he's lazy or depressed. His house is filthy. He has painting, cleaning, normal everyday things that need done to maintain a home and he doesn't do much. I thought this was due to his long hours at work but he's been off due to a leg injury the past month and hasn't done hardly anything. ( it's a light injury where he can still get around and do simple tasks). I thought him being off work would allow him time to get all this stuff done and he's mentioned it but doesn't DO it. It drives me crazy. I invited him over tonight for dinner but he declined since he wanted to do house chores. Later when we talked he didn't do anything but wash a few dishes. He smokes cigarettes and plays on his phone and sleeps That's his main hobby. Now he will COMPLAIN about the dirty house and the dog hair, projects ect. and has all the time in the world to take care of these chores he's been mentioning and then Doesn't do it. Even going to the dentist - he's talked about needing to go for 7 months now. He could call and easily make an appt but then of course does not. It drives me batty and truly makes me wonder if I could live with him or marry. I totally get having lazy days and I do that myself. But I can't stand being lazy day in and out especially knowing I have things that need to be worked on, cleaned up around the house knowing I am well and able to do it. Is he depressed?? Just lazy?? Extreme procrastinator? We live about 40 mins apart and I go to his place 90% of the time mainly due to his work schedule plus there more to do in his town. However.. Now he could come to my place a lot more often with him not working and doesn't. It irratates me. It's like he expects me to make effort to come over but then to come to my place it's too much hassle or something. I truly think he loves me and is constantly talking about wanting to get married and have children togther ASAP but I just don't know what to think. Most guys I have dated would love to come over often and have me/us cook or do something togther even just watching tv. But he's not like that. He would rather stay home with his dogs and smoke. I haven't said anything to him because I am not sure what to say. and don't want to start an argument. Any advice or options I would appreciate!!!
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 April 2015):
 When you wrote: ".... I kind of feel like it's a control thing..." You pointed your pen (your keyboard) right at the real crux of the problem.
You've written about a guy who doesn't seem to want to grow up..... Will you be content with his juvenile behaviour for the next 30 years? If "no," then, now is the time to break this off... and let him get on with his life whilest you get on with your's.... WITHOUT HIM.....
Good luck....
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2015): I am the OP. Thanks for your input. He is not an only child but I have often felt like he acts like one at times. He gets upset if it's not his way & likes to do things on his own time table without ever considering ME. I kind of feel like it's a control thing. Like she has to wait on me therefor it gives him the power. When I've tried to discuss this he just gets very mad & will be rude. Sometimes he reminds me of a bitter, jaded guy & I am not sure why. I run errands for him , cook, help him around the house you name it - I do it because I like helping & want to show him I care. I am just venting but it would be nice for him to show some appreciation or reciprocate the effort to help me.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 April 2015):
 If he shows no other symptoms of depression , he still eats well, sleeps as usual, enjoys sex, does not have crying bouts ,is not unusually moody or aggressive, cures his personal hygiene, etc... then he is not depressed, he is just lazy.
Or maybe- he is who he is, and you are a different type of person. Maybe it's a matter of insufficient compatibility.
While I was reading, I could not help smiling,..and feeling a slight wave of anxiety washing over me :). You surely are a powerhouse of a girl, energetic and organized,but that may feel a bit overwhelming to some people. Including me, for instance. Well, my house is not filthy because, unluckily ,I couple lazyness and procrastination with a big appreciation for clean and tidy, so generally either I kick myself in the back and do stuff, or pay someone who'll do it for me, or both. But, yeah ... I can see how a guy who spends LONG hours at work will not THINK of filling an unexpected , precious free period of time with OTHER work, are you kidding me, lol.
When I lived in NY , we did not have smartphones to fiddle with way back then, - but on a Sunday I could spend hours just perusing the wedding section of the NY Times, musing to myself " Rappaport with Smith... I wonder if it's an interfaith couple, or if Smith changed his name ? ... Chanelle, oh what a cute name, there's no pic, maybe she is French... or Afro American.... ". I am not telling you this is an intelligent pastime, but I found it very relaxing and mind soothing- very contemplative . Right, I would not call myself really lazy, just contemplative...). So your bf maybe is not really a total lazybones , just somebody who likes to unwind , go at a slow pace, and does not need fancy things to keep himself entertained. It all depends , yes of course if you tell me that he lets his food mold in dirty plates , and lives covered in dog's hair, well, I suppose you are right . But that ,as a sign of negligence and laziness you would indicate his reluctance, for once that he is at home with an INJURY !, ok slight injury,but still- his reluctance to devote the extra time to Spring cleaning ,rather than to rest and relaxation.... I don't know. That's very telling. Maybe you are just TOO different, you march to very different beats.
You are very right to think about it, though, and to be concerned about it, and to try to assess how MUCH this bothers you in the general scheme of things, BEFORE you live together or get married. And you'd be right in the meantime to seek a compromise, to meet him and make him meet you halfway. In reference to who goes where , for instance.
While instinctively I get his reluctance to leave his comfy abode after a hard week at work, just to watch you, or worse, to help you cooking in your kitchen- then it's only fair that you take turns in driving, leaving your own turf:) and visiting each other. You may try to adjust to his way of being and of living, if you think he's worth the trouble- but he has to do HIS half of the work. Like, you make small changes ( stop nagging him about the dentist ) but he makes small changes too ( he comes at yours every other week ). If even so , you should feel that he is not dynamic enough for your tastes , not active enough- listen to your guts and let him go. Not as a punishment for being " lazy " or " lacking motivation ", but because in the long run compatible lifestyles and life visions win over anything, including passion.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 April 2015):
 Sounds to me like he wants the cook and maid to move in already...
As in.... he isn't doing ANYTHING because he is hoping you will soon be there and DO things. You know like a "wife"... YES there are guys out there who thinks that it's the WIFE's job to take care of the house (even if she works full time).
And sitting smoking watching tv or playing on his phone while his has that poor dog suffering if second hand smoke ( you do know that PETS can get cancer from second hand smoking JUST like people, right?).
I think if YOU want to be with him long term, you need to sit him down and tell him how things make you feel. Like NEVER doing anything together, never staying at your house (if he can bring the dog what's the problem ?)and him living in sloppy circumstances.
Procrastinators do not change. (I'm married to one, so I know).
Did his MOM do everything for him when he lived at home? Because the whole dentist thing has me wondering if he KEEPS mentioning it because he wants YOU to make the appointment for him ? Did he grow up with a single mom who did EVERYTHING? Or one who was married and STILL did everything?
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