A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am confused about how my boyfriend really feels about me! We had a big long/ slightly drunken conversation the other night which left me a little put out. We have been together 8 months, my boyfriend is rational, logical and highly motivated to be successful in life and have no regrets. He says he wasn't always this way but its the only way I've known him. Anyway, the other night we were talking about everything. He has a fantasy that he would love to realise. I told him it would be something that I would need to think about that. I thought this might be a problem as he believes in having no regrets. I asked would this be a deal breaker. He went on to tell me about what he wants in life in his career and family and that the sexual stuff is not as important as that. Then he went on to say that he believed he wouldn't do any better than me and I how I had gotten further with him than any other girl. To be honest, this sort of pissed me off!!! "So you are settling?" I said. He said "No, I don't want to do any better than you.. You understand me, put up with me, you're pretty and I think il always be attracted to you. Basically, I think when I'm 80 years old, I will still think the same of you and how you were the best I could have done. You also drive me to be what I want and I need that." I asked him to try tell me how he FEELS! It looked difficult for him to say but he said he really really loves me.Now, I understand that all this is lovely to hear. And i really love him too. too much!!! And I've read up before on date-onomics - a very rational way of deciding on love and life choices. However I'm a VERY emotional and sensitive person and I'm just not sure that I get it! Will he always be looking for a better opportunity in life and love? Will he dump me the second someone "better for him" comes along?! He's a good guy, so I hope not. But if he lets his head rule his heart then I feel I'm letting myself wide open for heart ache eventually!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2013): Hi I'm the OP. that was a great answer thank you! He's a little bit romantic but they do come in unanticipated bursts! And he's very affectionate, just not great with his communicating his feeling which I can handle I hope! :-)
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (7 May 2013):
 He sounds very much like my boyfriend, and you just need to learn to adjust to his terminology. It sounds like your guy is not really the romantic type, and doesnt like to talk about his feelings.
Therefore by saying that he wouldnt do any better than you is his way of trying to be romantic and tell you that you are the best girl he has ever met and knows there isnt anyone better out there. It just came out slightly badly worded (as it often does with men who struggle to talk about their feelings) but it doesnt mean what you think it does.
He's not settling at all, he is saying that you are the best, that he loves what you have brought to his life and he knows that he will still feel the same way even when you are both old and grey - that is a very lovely thing to say and I think you need to focus on the positives here rather than picking up on this one badly worded sentence.
He is not letting his head rule his heart at all, he has told you he has very strong feelings for you and to want to grow old with someone definitely comes from the heart.
What you need to do now is just calm down, stop letting your heart get carried away and realise that you have fallen for someone who is not emotional like you and he will never be able to tell you how he feels. My boyfriend can hardly ever tell me he loves me, he very rarely says anything 'nice' to me and the best I get is 'come here and give me a hug'. It was hard to deal with at first, I'm used to men who are more open with their feelings, men who are more romantic and that used to make me feel really special.
However having been with my boyfriend now for over 1 and a half years I feel more loved with him than any other man, and that is because his actions speak so much louder than words. You need to learn that the words are never going to be there, you are never going to get the romance or the declarations of their feelings - but what you will get is security, loyalty and happiness. Men who are more rational are far less likely to up and leave when something better comes along, he will be able to remain rational even in the face of attraction which is a very good thing!
Men who lead with their hearts are flaky and unreliable, they are moody and unpredictable. Whereas rational logical men are much more stable - once they have chosen a partner for life it is going to take something major to get them to want to leave their chosen person. It will take them a long time to conclude who is right for them for a long term relationship, so any old girl who comes along is unlikely to succeed with the rational man because he will be very much attached to the stability and security offered by the girl they have at home.
I know that is not at all romantic, but you have to try and look at it in a positive light - because it takes them so long to decide who is right for them long term, then because them form a deep attachment to their long term girl, that it would take something huge like you cheating on them to actually make them want to leave. Some random girl coming along is not going to seem like a 'better' option to them because a rational person prefers to stick with what they know, rather than going into the unknown.
If you really cant accept this lack of romance and inability to open up emotionally, then perhaps this is not the guy for you. But if you keep your emotions in check, and learn to love the stability and security your boyfriend provides - then you will soon learn that these big words dont actually mean much and actions speak a lot louder than any gushing emotional stuff that comes out of a guys mouth.
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