A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I really hope some of you kind people can help me out.Five years ago, I started a relationship with a man who wasn't completely over his ex girlfriend of 8 years. In the beginning, he played me around - going dating behind my back, not turning up to my family events, etc. I stood by him, and, somehow, six months in he turned a corner, to become the most committed man I've ever been in a relationship with.But, therein lied the problem. We moved in together but soon I felt smothered. I have to be honest and say that I became bored. He is the perfect on paper guy - honest, reliable, a good earner, and we had a fantastic sex life - but I always felt frustrated by him and how placid he was, and the fact that he wanted to do everything together - e.g. one night I wanted to sleep in the spare room because I had to get up very early for work - he spat the dummy. Perhaps I was just too immature. I ended the relationship.After those first two years, we then began an on-again, off-again relationship before I went travelling. I had the most fantastic eighteen months away, but half way through found out that my ex had met someone else and was living with her.I suddenly realised what I had left behind and contacted him. To cut the story short, I came back home briefly, he ended the relationship with this girl, we reunited, and I resumed my travels (which had always been the intention).After a few more months, though, it became too much for him to cope with, and although I cared for him deeply, I felt strongly that I wanted to finish my dream of travelling before coming home and settling down, otherwise I might always hold some resentment. He couldn't deal with any of this and completely cut himself off from me, despite my attempts to sort things out. He said I hurt him terribly.Fast forward to the present day. I have spent the past two months emailing and writing letters to my ex, all of which went unanswered, until he agreed to meet me the other week. It transpires that he is back with the girl he dumped for me. They are living together and have a dog (!), and he says he loves her and is happy, and doesn't want the situation to change.BUT, and here's a big but - he couldn't tell me who he loves more, and by the end of our meeting, when I told him that he was the one I want to be with, that I want to marry him and have children, he said he "couldn't deal with this" and had to leave. It is clear he still loves me.He told the other girl about what happened when I came back and she took him back. When I ask him if she's "the one", he says he doesn't know, but that he's 'exploring' his relationship with her.He was incredibly protective during this meeting - and clearly won't leave her again for me. But the fact remains that I know that he loves me deeply - as evidenced by his reaction to seeing me.Since the meeting, I have emailed him to say that I accept and respect his relationship, if it does indeed make him happier than I do. But, inside, my heart is breaking.I don't think there are any answers here except letting him be, and seeing if life brings us back together. But now, I'm afraid that without me in his life, he might forget, and, knowing that he's ready for marriage, he might just settle for second best.
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female
reader, Br1dgette  +, writes (31 January 2011):
I think it's obvious you hurt him bad. You at one point were the first choice. You blew it because you thought he was to clingy. He did what he had to and found someone else.
Leave the poor man alone he deserves better. Maybe she likes him the way he is. Why don't you find someone who isn't so clingy rather than just holding on to things because you can't have them anymore.
This story makes me feel really bad for him. I think it's horrible you need help on how to get this guy back. Leave him alone.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your honest answers. Of course, I'm not blameless in this situation - and I have apologised again and again for the choice I made to continue travelling - but the fact is I can't take it back. But my ex is not blameless in his behaviour either - he balked the minute things got tough, and I tried to reason with him and work through it. What has happened has made me question his feelings for me - to go from the other girl, back to me, back to her, and yet still say he loves me...is there any such thing as believing someone is your true love? And if you do, isn't it worth fighting for? I just can't believe that he would have left this girl last time if things between them were perfect. Is there any reason why they would be this time round? Is it possible to 'settle' because you find another relationship too hard?When I presume that he loves me, I can tell you that I was the girl he wanted to marry. He described me as his "princess charming", and said he would have done absolutely anything for me.And, of course, I want to feel that I am happy for him and can let him go - because ultimately I love him. I'm just devastated that now the timing is right, the situation is utterly wrong.
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A
female
reader, koojoe +, writes (31 January 2011):
so, what is your question to the people here? what feedback are you looking for? what are you trying to explore within YOURSELF!
how truthful were you being when telling him you accept and respect his relationship if it makes him happy? is that what you really feel? Or is that how you would LIKE to feel?
to me, relationships take a lot of compromise. i never expect or want my relationship to run to MY schedule alone. if i did, i'd get a dog and a vibrator. you are living your life,it seems to me, exactly how you wish to. you do what you want, when you want. you went travelling, had a great time and was inspired to reconnect with your ex when you found out he was with someone else. why only then? jealousy? a belief that he would never find anyone else? an expectation to pick off where you left off?
i can only speak from my perspective - the mere thought of being away from my partner for weeks, let alone months upsets me. there is no way i would want to experience things like travel without him (i exclude business trips which we both have to do throughout the year).
it is a big assumption that you make about him still clearly loving you. maybe he does. but we are all capable of more than one love in our lifetimes, if we choose to open ourselves up to it.
i hope he has found someone to love and commit to and who wants to share themselves and their life with him. it sounds from your re-telling of his behaviour that this is what he wants.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011): I don't think you can expect this guy to wait around for you any longer to be honest. After getting him to finish with the other girl - you can't now expect him to do that again. He said he loves the girl and doesn't want to change his situation. How you read things doesn't really matter, he has decided to settle for the girl who is there for him. I wonder if you rely too much on the fact that you are his no 1, or believe so, and expect him to jump whenever you feel you want to make sure he is there for you. It seems he is settled and if that suits him then the best thing you can do is leave him alone and get on with your own plans.
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