A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I really need your advice! I have been with a guy going on 5 years but the problem is he is married. It all started when he came up to me one day at work becuase he said I looked sad and when I told him I had just broken up with my past bf, he suggested and bought me a eenergy drink to " cheer me up at work". We continued to talk once in a while until he invited me to lunch one day. During our conversation he stated he had a son who was a year old but that he was not with the girl " that they where seperated and didn't live together. We started talking and eventually one thing led to another. he gave me rides after work and even when he didn't work, he would show up and go for my lunch and pick me up (he lived about 30 min away). Every night however, he would have his phone off becuase he doesnt like being woken up in the night and it got to the point to where he would only call me when he wasnt home or was at work. Anyways, he was a salemen back then and was the best making about 8 6-7 thousand a month at 20 yrs old. He had a nice truck and money so a lot of girls where always in back of him. Then he decides to quit work, sell his truck and live with his dad to go back to school. I was the only person really there for him at the time, I got him a cell phone that unwound pay since he didn't have a job and would give him rides to school, pick him up and buy him food occasionally. then one day I noticed on the bills that he was calling and texting cretins numbers, I confronted him and he denies it and when I called her to ask in front of him, he said she was just a friend. I was heartbroken becaue I knew it was a lie. I then started talking to my past bf (who I broke up with because I moved away for college) as a friend for comfort. A little after, I found out he had spoken to different girls and when I confronted him, he told me they where just friends but that he didn't want them he wanted me. A little after, I found out he was married by church when all along he kept telling me it was only by court and they where separated. Although I have caught him in many lies and I know he has cheated, about a year ago, he asked me to give us a chance and start all over. he promises he will get a divorce to be with me but " things come up and he runs out of money to start the whole process and says that if he does file for divorce, his dad (who is a big time christian) will kick him out of the house and his wife won't let him see the kid) even though he is going to be 26 yrs old and his son is 6! I dont know what to do or think anymore! He buys me expensive things, takes me out places, we go out of town, we both love fishing, can be at a park and just enjoy each others company for hours or just sit in a car and talk and laugh. after 5 yrs, everytime we see each other it is like we are high school kids all over again in love! we have some much compatability and he says he wishes he would have meet e earlier. He has already taken me to look at rings and talks about our future together. He does say however that once he divorces he wants to marry me right away and dosent want to wait. We go out to clubs, dance drink once In a while, and most time when we do we usually get a place and he spends the night. around his son he introduces me as his friend but never says my name and I have never meet anyone of his family nor friends from home. He says he dosent want them to think wrong of me before he gets a divorce. I'm in a university and will graduate next semester and have a full time job, why isn't this easy for me? he is everything I wanted in a guy physically, he loves to work out like me, eats healthy, goes to school like me, he is fun, out going wrestles and at age 25 he still won a state title! His wife has called me before and left a message saying she wanted to talk to me but I didn't call her becuase he asked me not to. He said he would tell her not to bug me and sure enough she never did. The only thing is though that when we do go out and he talks to other people, it's like I dont exist. He will talk about himself but never kisses me or hugs me or anything in public becuase he dosent "like that". What can I do, I have lost my pride, my religious beliefs, my family's values my friends to just to make hints right for him! I dont go out because I wait around for his calls. I'm 25 and I feel like I can't go on with this anymore. I have been to his house before without his dad knowing and have seen his closet but there was nothing for women there. one thing to is that he never let's me see his phone, and to be honest, I can not trust him anymore. He tells me that he want to get a divorce but he needs me to change a little because I am full of drama and take things way to out of control referring to asking questions about him and his wife. what should I do, I love him but I feel like all this is getting the best of me! please help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): I'm glad this guy's finally getting a divorce. marriage should be something that both people actually want to be in together. it shouldn't be something you do because you have no other option.if one person's cheating it means he doesn't want to be with his wife. better to come clean about not wanting to be with the wife and make it official.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2011): I missed the part where he cheated with the OP AND other women. Is this a case of once a cheater always a cheater..... Just saying...
LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyeah that is true. I know it is a big spey for him and I'm not glad about the marriage breaking up but I am glad he did what he finally wanted to do. I know that someday he will look back at this and know what the consequences of cheating and not doing the right thing will cause as well as I knowing what it is being with a married man, ( whether separated or not)! I know one day he will find someone or maybe make things right some day with his wife but at least he will had a choice based on experiences, he can either learn and make things right next time or know the consequences. As for myself, I choose tonwait for the right one who is single and not in a commitment. He left me a voice mail saying he took my advice and did it for himself. He stated it was time for him to act like a man by telling his wife the truth and standing up to his dad. He stated that having a kid at 18 was hard and difficult so he decided to get married to do things right never knowing it wouldn't happen. He stated he did it for himself because he was tired of living a lie.Whether he did it or not becuase he finally realized I was really leaving or whether he did it for himself, I can honestly day I might have never left him If it was not for the advice I register from here. Was it hard? Yes is it over? No, it's not over because as some of you said, he has a lot to work on himself becuase he defenitly can not change from One day to another and I can't forget from one day to another. But I have learned a lot from this situation. I really have. I won't and refuse to go back to him becuase taking your advice and keeping in mind what I already knew, I know it will take time to heal and trust or get into another relation ship. I'm going Tobias thus time to focus on myself and make sure this situation does not occur ever again.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (8 June 2011):
OP, you are not the cause of his marriage breakup, the marriage itself is. This marriage never should have been, its foundation is a lie and was a sham long before you entered the picture.
A ring and a reciting by rote a few words does not make a real marriage. It makes a legal contract but the relationship and what's in the heart makes a marriage 'real". This marriage had no relationship to speak of since he had actually already broken up with her (until forced to marry her because of finding out she was pregnant). it was and always has been just an empty contract, founded on a lie. The lie being that he didn't actually want to be with her.
he made some serious mistakes in the past, like going along with pressure to marry her even though he had actually already broken up with her. And then cheating on her cos he didn't ever want to be with her in the first place but was too weak to see that divorcing is better than cheating. She made mistakes too, by using the pregnancy to trap him into a marriage when he had already left her (a woman trapping a man into marriage is not honorable either). Wives are not holy just by the fact of being the wife, they can be abusive and manipulative and self-serving when it comes to the marriage too. And you made the mistake of getting involved with him while he was married. But, people make mistakes, that's how you learn.
but, life is messy, people make mistakes, it's how you learn. The point is to learn and grow from it and become better people in the end.
He's finally having the guts to tell the truth, about the affair, about how he never loved his her, how he never wanted to be in this marriage in the first place. I think this is a great thing for him and for his wife. (I dont' see how it can be in her best interest to continue being married to someone who doesn't want or love her).
I'm glad that he's doing this because even if he continued keeping up appearances and hiding the truth of his real feelings as he was for the last 6 years, it doesn't make the truth go away, which is that he never wanted to be in this marriage. Most men in similar situations NEVER have the guts to admit this and their entire lives are a lie (as well as that of their wives).
But he's not done with his personal work yet, he's only just started. this is a significant first step for him but it's still just the first step. you should continue to keep a distance from him him so he can sort out the messes he has created, corrected the wrongs he has done. You are correcting your past mistakes by leaving him to make his divorce decision on his own, so that it really is his own decision.
Also realize that for 6 years at least, he went with the path of least resistance which was to cave into pressure (from his father, from his wife..) rather than doing the right thing. People don't change overnight. there may be flashes of insight and personal growth (like when he finally told the truth of everything and stood up to his father). But permanent lasting change takes a long time and is a struggle and there may be backsliding. So this is another reason you should continue to stay clear of him until he has really closed the chapter on his marriage and rebuilt a new life without her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't feel good about what he did nor do I feel overjoyed for what he told her. While they where talking on the phone she told him " I knew I should have never told you about my pregnancy! You had already broken up with me before you ever knew I was pregnant ! I should have known you never cared for me!" and he told her " you knew why we got married, you knew I relied on my dad becuase we where both young that's why you always run to him for everything, you knew I didn't love you and you said we'd make things work some how, u dnt care about me either so don't act like you do, I know about you and Alex and him always giving you free drinks"I'm not going to lie, this might have been what I would have wanted to hear but it was just to late. I had not seen him for 2 weeks and yesterday when he did that, I did not want to see him. I'm not taking it as a heroic thing he did because the fact is he still lied to me and cheated. I'm not going to lied it shocked me thinking that he might have been right but that it took this long to even do anything.I say that it is hard becuase I still feel I love this person. I was with him for 3 years and how he managed to lie to me for so long I have no idea. That's the person I miss and the part that hurts the most. The hardest part was doing it and letting go. I have already done that and the sad thing is that what I once thought I wanted and would make me happy isnt doing it.He told her because he wanted to and was probably the right thing. I know I was at fault but from what they where yelling it seemed like she was doing her own things but I did t bother to ask. I didn't want to see him before he told her everything so he knew I didn't want him anymore.Deep down inside do I hurt yes! Do I still luv him, yes! I don't know if I'm the one who broke this marriage up but he is the one who cheated on his wife and lied to me for 3 yrs. After that it was my fault for staying those extra year n a half with the promise he would divorce after being with him for close to 5 yrs in total. That guilt and insecurity of his I had for him was what made me have enough. I was a victim as well as his wife of his lies and mAybe if it wasent with me he stil would have done the same becuase I wasent the first nor only one he cheated on her before with. I did however make myself believe I would b the exception. I learned the hard way, will he still try to come back, probably but I have no intentions of l
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A
male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (7 June 2011):
TBH I am left confused by this recent update.
This man has now given up everything to show you that he made a mistake and wants to be with you, and you say "I think I have found a little strength now to get away from him"
Fact, this guy made some seriously bad choices in deceiving you, and lying to you, his wife, family. It looks like he was gutless. But, unlike most men, this guy has realised that he does want to be with you, he's stood up to everyone, and shown you in every way he can, that he wants to be with you. Hasn't he just given you every thing you have been wanting from him?
I guess it depends on this. Did this guy simply end up in the wrong marriage, and was too afraid to leave it.. or is he a bad cheating liar, who just doesn't know what he wants and will continue to hurt you and any girl he is in a relationship with?
From what you say, he has finally chosen to be with you. Your very first question asked "Will he leave his wife and get a divorce?" it seems the answer is yes, and yes. So what's the problem now?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): This heartless, spineless, cruel man springs his affair and an impending divorce overnight on his wife and family and you are what ?overjoyed?
Plse realise that you may replace his wife but soon a few years ferom now, u will be in exactly the same shoes as his wife.
I realise that you now want to rush into his arms and than him for leaving his wife and kid for you, but come on: do u think you will have one moment of peace knowing this man is a cheater? You will be wondering when it is your turn next.
Btw: he did tell his wife about your affair, didn't he? Or did he leave out this vital part? Just asking.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): OP do you not realise you really are not innocant? You make it seem like a big romantic gesture- him turning up at your work and phoning his wife! Did you not stop to think hos this poor woman felt hearing her husband say he never loved her and that he loved someone else? Did you not think to listen to how distressed she was and with good reason hurling abuse down the phone? You and your lover have hurt aklot of people. You seem to think you are a victim but I cam assure you, your not! You knew he was married! Seperated or not, he is married and his wife did not know about you! Thisd woman and their child have had their hearts broken. If he didn't love her then why did he have a child with her? Why did he look into her eyes and say his vows? I feel for her, for you I do not sympathise!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell yesterday he did what I thought he would never do. He showed up to my job and as I was walking out went up to me and dialed his wife in the phone and put her on speaker. he asked her " hey just turned in the divorce papers and you will probably be getting them soon. Im sorry for telling you everything yesterday and I didn't have to but I didn't want to go through all this no more. I didn't want to lie to you and dad so that's why I told ou the truth. She then " told him a lot of awful things" ( which I understand) and he interfered and said " look we have been married for 6 years ok, but have been separated for 5, I told you I wanted the divorce but you always remained hopefully. That's why I dated other people becuase I wasent with you.
She then told him she would put child support, try to get full custody and a lot more and she hung up. he then turned around and told me" I told them all everything, how it started for how long and that your the one in want", I was left speechless!
He even said, " look" and he called his dad and his dad said " what do you want" and he asked him by when he wanted him to move out and he told him, " the sooner the better, no later than 30 days, how could you have done all this?" " how could you have done this to your wife and child" and he said " she and you knew that I didn't love her when I married her, u don't care about your son being happy, you don't care about me being happy, all you care about is what should be right! " I love her, and I'm not letting her go for you or anyone becuase I would them look at you everyday of my life and blame you for my unhappiness" and he hung up.
He then looked at me and said " I love you and I told them the truth for you, I found a place to live and I'm moving there until the divorce goes through then we can see if u want to move in with me then. I don't want o loose you becuase I love you. I have never felt like this before in my life. Will u get back with me please?" I then told him, " when the divorce goes through, you can call me and if I am still available and want to, we can talk" and I walked away. I drove away speechless and he stood there speechless as well.
I think I have found a little strength now to get away from him and I know it will happen little by little. I'm just wondering if what he did was a good sign or not?
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (6 June 2011):
Not related to the topic but just FYI I was still logged into this site and apparently my daughter (who is visiting) was using my account. she was the "female anon from 4 June"
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (6 June 2011):
...I'm female anon from 4 June again...
OP, you really need to stop driving by his house just to see if his car is there. I mean, for real??
He's not the only one to blame for why you feel so crappy. Past a certain point you are also to blame. some things, you are doing to yourself.
As long as you keep doing this, it will feel hard to let go. You need to FORCE yourself to let go of him. Yes you will feel depressed and crazy and upset. That's normal, that's how people feel when they go through break ups. you're not the first person to feel this way nor will you be the last.
But, if you can force yourself to break up with him and stay broken up, and take it one day at a time and deal with the pain by yourself and just bear it and not try to fight it or change it but just let it be, then eventually over time you WILL start to feel better and it will get easier.
But as long as you keep hanging onto him, it will never feel any easier to let go.
And as long as you wait for things to feel easier before you can move on, it won't happen and your limbo situation will continue (for another 5 years??)
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 June 2011):
 I admit that I did not have the patience to read the 34 posts before mine, and I guess you have been already given your share of though love by other Aunts, but when I see posts like yours, I just can't shut up an have to put my 2 cents in :
WAKE UP ! what are you, insane ?
He says he says. And please what he DOES ?. He conveniently "forgets" to tell you he is married, in fact shamelessly lies about it, and regardless of his divorce talks, he has been married for the 5 years you have known him. He hides his phone, cheats with other women, convinces you not to talk to his wife, who probably would have very interesting stuff to tell you.
But- let's not blame him only. He fools you because you WANT him to fool you- in order not to face reality, you swallow the lamest excuses ever . His dad would kick him out : no, mostlikely he would not, but even if ? This guy is 26, for Pete's sake, and with a good earning potential, he would not end up homeless, and anyway at his age he should be capable to fight for what he really cares about ( IF he cared about getting divorced and marry you ) even against an interfering parent. And the kid ? What the wife could do, kidnap him and go to jail ? there are laws, judges and tribunals to impose and regulate matters like visitation rights, custody and child support. Somehow, millions of people could go through the process emerging relatively unscathed, but no, only for him in the whole State of California divorce is an insuperable hurdle.
Same for a lot of total bullshit that he could not make you swallow if you had not decided that you want to swallow it in order not to have to face reality. You want to sleeep, and his promises are like sleepimg pills. And you know it.
I am curious to know : where do you draw the line ? when do you start to sift through the bullshit and assess what REALLY matters ?
You keep remarking how he is attractive and sexy and plays sports... very nice. So was Ted Bundy, the serial killer.
He was attractive, fit, well spoken,intelligent, educated ( Law School ) well dressed, he volunteered for years at a help line, he was polite and corteous with his coworkers and neighbours. Would you consider Ted Bundy the ideal boyfriend ? Not really- because he had this little defect, of being a serial killer, which trumped and overshadowed all his numerous good traits.
Your bf luckily did not kill anybody, but why do you bring up his karate and healthy eating and buying you dinners etc ?... That's fluff. What it counts it's that he is a loser, a cheater, a liar and a manipulator !
Yu've got to draw the line somewhere, at some point. Possibly at a point where his mellow manners and good physique have the weight they deserve, i.e. : ZERO !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2011): OP, I'm the previous female anon from 4 June who wrote the previous post "I think your boyfriend may eventually leave his wife. But you can't predict when it will happen.."
I read a few more of your updates (not all, sorry for that). I think your boyfriend definitely has some deep emotional and psychological issues which is why (a) he ended up in this situation i.e. married to someone he doesn't want to be married to, because someone who was emotionally healthy wouldn't do that at least not in our modern american society (b) having an affair since I know he knows it's morally wrong (c) still unable to make a decision and still sitting on the fence even after 5 years
I think he's deeply insecure and needy and dependent, that he's afraid to take the leap and make some hard decisions. I think he has abandonment fears stemming from his unhappy childhood which is why he only goes with and sticks with what is 'safe.' i.e. remaining married. And certainly if his wife is unloving to him like telling him no one will ever put up with him like she will, then she's reinforcing his abandonment fears and dependency issues.
He's not trapped by finances, he's trapped by his own psychological fears. which is worse, actually.
I think he stays in his marriage because it's "safe" even though there's no love, he gets a sense of security from it because at least he can tell himself he's not being abandoned. There may be no love between them (certainly if she says mean things like that to him) but just having the outward facade gives the impression that he's not abandoned or alone. he may love you but it's not from a healthy place. he may love you but he's afraid of change and his fears are stronger than his love for you (and apparently also stronger than his conscience which is what pushes people to do the right thing like end an affair).
To me, the key is when he said he will only divorce her if he has a guarantee that you will stick with him for good. WTF??
this says it all, to me. He's too afraid to risk being alone. that's why he continues to stay married to her. He would rather be trapped in a loveless marriage, than to risk being alone. How insecure and lacking in confidence must he be, if this is the governing principle in his life?
It says that his "should I divorce or not?" internal debate is based entirely on his own internal cost/benefit analysis. Cost/benefit to HIMSELF. whatever feels less scary to him.
such thinking is really unhealthy. He's basically saying "I dont' love my wife, I love another woman, but I will not divorce until and unless I can be completely guaranteed the other relationship will work out for me."
to me this is dishonorable and weak. He is already being dishonorable by cheating on his wife but now also in staying married to her with these intentions. It's not wrong to divorce your wife. But he's not even doing that. He's basically keeping her around for his own benefit (to assuage his fears of possibly ending up alone).
let's say he was convinced you will be there for him so he feels it's finally safe to go ahead and divorce his wife. Well, yay for him that he has a new relationship waiting to catch him. But who is she gonna go to? If being alone is too scary for him that he won't do it, yet he's perfectly happy to inflict that outcome on her? It's OK for her to be alone (once he has his other relationship lined up so he can divorce her) but not OK for him to be alone??
I'm not saying that he has to be considerate of her feelings this way (especially if she's mean to him) but just saying that he's emotionally weak if he would be willing to inflict on his wife a 'condition' (i.e. being divorced and alone) that he himself isn't brave enough to undergo. Even if she were his worst enemy, that's still a cowardly position to take.
I don't blame him for feeling this way because this is how people feel when they are insecure and with his unhappy childhood it's not a surprise if he's extremely insecure and dependent. He's probably got deep emotional scars and abandonmemt issues and trust issues from his unhappy childhood, and maybe also reinforced by his wife.
However, he's not a kid anymore, he's an adult. it wasn't his fault that he was treated that way when he was a kid and became so needy and depedendent. But now as an adult, who has been embroiled in this mess with you and her for FIVE YEARS, he needs to finally take responsibility by owning up to his shortcomings and growing his character to overcome his shortcomings so as to not be hurting people around him.
the reason he has not accepted your offer to pay for his divorce is because money isn't the real reason for his reluctance. His real reluctance is risking ending up alone i.e. without a relationship. He would rather be in a crappy marriage, than to risk being alone. And this is being emotionally weak and unhealthy.
his excuse that he doesn't want to divorce her and face the wrath of his family "all for nothing" if you're not gonna stick around, is again very telling. Why does he think that if you don't stick around and he ends up being single, that divorcing his wife would be "all for nothing?" ..if he believes that staying married to her is better than being alone, then he is not ready to leave his marriage for the right reasons.
so it seems that both you and his wife are mere objects to him. Objects for him to meet his needs (or rather to keep at bay his deep insecurities and fears of abandonment stemming from his unhappy childhood) and whichever one of you is the path of least resistance, at whichever moment in time, is the one he will go with.
I don't doubt that he may love you and not love her. But. He is an emotionally and psychologically unhealthy individual and he's got so little control of his problems that they're manifesting as lack of responsibility (unable to make painful decisions and follow through) and making things very unfair to everyone around him - his wife, and you.
this is why he is bad for you. He's messed up and not taking responsibility to want to become a better person. he's too preoccupied with taking care of his needs to keep his abandonment fears and insecurities at bay. His marriage fulfills that, that's why he stays married. Even though he doesn't love her. Meanwhile he tries to hang onto you and control you. it's all for his own needs.
Even if he gets a divorce now, it could be for all the wrong reasons. Not because he's undergone personal growth and developed his character, and developed the strength to do the right thing, but merely because he now feels it's "safe" to get a divorce or maybe it's just a ploy to keep you from abandoning him. So even if he did get divorced, but under these circumstances, he's still not resolved his personal issues that made him do the things he did. Which means he could very well keep doing them again even after he divorces. I can think of a few future scenarios: he divorces her, you and him get together for real, but stays in contact with her because of their son and she tries to guilt trip him into getting back with her or the family pressures him to get back with her to restore their original family unit, and so he leaves you in the future and goes back to her. or he spends the rest of his life bouncing back and forth between you and her.
if he will only divorce her if he's got guarantees on you, this is a shaky basis for divorce and any future relationship because he still hasn't changed from the flawed person he was when he got into this mess in the first place. Instead the circumstances changed while his old attitudes remain.
You should tell him that you would like for him and you to be together, but until the divorce is over and finalized and maybe even after some time has passed for the dust to settle, to not contact you. If he's confident about your love, he should be able to do this. If he's not confident about your love then you don't have a basis for a healthy relationship to begin with.
You are not his therapist, you are not there to keep him together and do his messy work for him. Even if you did go along with this role and he finally divorced her, your future relationship would probably be built on a shaky foundation because he hasn't learned to be strong.
If he's really going through a divorce then maybe he's trying to take a step in the right direction, but he has to follow through.He should take care of his own divorce and not involve you in that.
like I said in my previous post from 4 June, he's messed up, and he's the only one who can help himself. So for your own sake you need to walk away from him and stay away from him until and unless he has recognized what his personal problems are that put him in this mess, done a lot of inner work and become a "better" and healthier person.
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A
female
reader, unmeidaagonyaunt +, writes (6 June 2011):
 A man faced with the prospect of having two women compete for his attention has the tendency of keeping both women focused on fulfilling his whims, rather than choosing between the two women.
That, ultimately, is the fatal error in your logic. You are assuming that he is working on choosing between the two of you. I assure you that no such thing is occurring.
With that in mind, are you willing to maintain the status quo? You have presumably gotten involved with this man because you want to be exclusively with him. What if he does not want to be exclusively with you, and is willing to keep you in an uncomfortable position in order to fulfill his desires?
The next move is yours, my dear. Choose wisely.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah he does always say what I want to hear everytime I want to let him go. He left a voice mail crying telling me not to do this and that he is sorry and wants me not no one else. I have a question, I live in California, does it really take that long for a divorce? He had told me before it would take only a few months because they don't own anything. she has her car and he has his. He has a job and he pays the kids private school, health insurance and his practices whey month for karate so he says when he spoke to th lawyer that it wouldn't be hard because he is already doing his part and has kept every reciept ever since they separated. I would love to believe everything he says but I know it would be hard becuase I know we'd need my money to make it through. I don't mind putting it in but I just don't want to anymore. Yesterday when I didn't talk to him was so hard to do! I have thought about changing my number or blocking him but it seems like just having it off is better. I don't want to go back becuase I know I will hurt again and to be honest, even if we whrr to live together and everything, I always think that if she still likes him and he dosent like living with me, he can always go back to her and leave me. Yesterday he sent this message,
"I'm sorry for what I'm putting u through. Really I am. I know how hard it is for you. I feel like trash when I think about "my name " U have done so much for me and I would b stupid not to notice. You are a good lady and I will never find anyone like you. Sorry"
The he texted and said sorry that he forgot to put the word "it" before my name. I honesty felt so bad because instead of a typo, it sounded like this message was directed to her and not me. I let him go already and it is so hard to sop thinking of taking his word. I dont think I can ever trust him again. Every relationship he has been he has cheated and when I told him that, he said he wanted to change so he wanted me to know everything about him and how he was. I haven't seen him for five days because I haven't wanted to although he has suggested it. I asked him yesterday y he didn't call the night before and he said it was becuase he was not feeling good. That he got home, his stomach was hurting and he was throwing up and that he went to sleep early. I told him that I had passed by his hous in the night ( which was a lie) and that I didn't see his car and he said it was because it was in the garage. (The next morning however I started work at 6 in the city that he lives so I decided to pass by his house and at 5 am, his car was outside, keep in mind he stated the night before he "had put it in the garage") anyways, I told him that it was funny because I had passed by in the morning and that his car was outside not in the garage. He then stated that his dad must had pulled it out side to clean the garage. I didn't tell him the time I passed by so I asked him what time his dad usually wakes up, he told me that it was about 6-6:30 I then told him "well that's funny because I passed at 5 and ur car was outside and I seen no light from anywhere". He the. Stated that he wasent sure if it was at 6am but it could have been at 5 am and that he wasn't sure because he had woken up at 11am. I told him okay, just to make sure, go ask you dad " what time he moved your car from the garage to the drive way" and he stated he would but that his dad was in his room and that " he is an adult and that as an adult he dosent knock on the door he just waits for his dad to come out of his room"..... That was what did it for me, aside from that, he sure didn't sound sick to me at all.
Now that I remember, he once told me his wife had once told him " no one will put up with you or understand you more than me" and I am beginning to believe it's true. After all this that is in my face, why is it still so hard to accept the reality that he isn't good for me ? Y isn't it easy to let go? Sometimes I hate the fact of thinking he will be with someone else but why when he would be hurting them just like me? Today will be the second day and it seems impossible to think about tomorrow without talking to him. In my crazy thought I think if it would be okay to "talk" to him as long as I don't "see" him. Yesterday I went to eat with my friends but it was hard not to think of him, my guy friend who was there knows I like working out so he invited me to his gym and said he"d help me and show me the "right way" to work of to get my mind off since he is a personal trainer but I refused. I know I can't make it through but it seems so hard to see the end from here!'
Sadly I made a list and there are some good things but far more bad then good on the list. is good list consist of, he will graduate college and so will I, he coaches kids for free as do did I, he loves sports and fishing as so I and simple things like that but hardly any which truly make me happy. Y after all this did I let myself get brainwashed like this after all the negative signs?
I don't want him back but it is so hard !!!!
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reader, serenity80 +, writes (5 June 2011):
You did know he was going to react this way, because you said whenever you've done it before, or he has sensed distance from you, that he says and does what you want to hear.I would say let his actions do the talking. And speak to his wife. See what he has said to her. Has he been honest to her? Do you really even want to get with this guy, after everything that has happened?Stay strong and remember all your reasons for wanting to leave him. Maybe you should write them down on a list, so that you can remember and remind yourself of why it is best that you stay away from him? All the best with whatever you decide to do, I am sure you will make the right decisions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWelI I officially broke it off now and he keeps calling and leaving me messages to turn on my phone and talk to him. He keeps telling me he finally wants to do this and wants to work things out. He said If I gave him another chance, he'd get a divorce this week, get a plac and pay for it all. He suggested me not to talk to him until he showed me the proof this week. he says he knows he has messed up on me and that he feels trashy everytime he thinks about everything he put me through. He says he loves me and will try everyhin to do things right....wow! What it took for me to even hear those words
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou know Jonas, I'm crying right now because " I think I have problems and they are bad" but in all reality I can solve this but am very afraid to. I'm not going to lie but various times When he does things and I get hurt, I have asked God that if this is not my path and I should eave this family alone to please give me a sign. I have meant it with the bottom of my heart because sometimes I drive far and alone where no one can hear me and just cry. the funny thing is that when ever I have asked God to give me a sign and help me out on whether to stay or not, those are the few times I have caught him in lies and have seen him with his wife when he said he was at other places.
I do not know you Jonas but think you are a very brave and intelligent women. I think all I needed was someone like you to show me that even though things happen, no matter how bad one thinks things can get, there is always a way out sooner or later. It's sad to know I have a choice and haven't done anything about it. I feel so blessed about he family j have for helping me get to where I am now.there have been times before I had the great job I have now where I would spend every penny on him. There where times when he would as me to buy him something to eat becuase he was saving for school or something and I would buy him something and I would be left with nothing. I would go to school 1hr n a half away from home and start at 7am at school till 8 or 9 pm and there where days I wouldn't eat until I got home becuase I couldn't tell him no. There where times when I would go past my due dates on my bills because of him.
I don't know how I got here. My father always raised me as an independent women. I will graduate from college soon, have my own car pay my own bills and everyone in my family is proud because I will be the first to graduate from a university in my family, how did I ever go wrong?
I can honestly say I have never I'm all these 5 years ever asked him for any type of help, financially or nothing. If anything I have giving everything of me to make him make up his mind. I am starting to wonder now why the other gis he use to take to topped talking to him? I wonder if it was becuase of the same thing? Thank you so much for taking your to give me advice. I know I couldn't get it from anyone close to me because no one knows about him. I would be to embarrassed to say I was with a married man. Today was the first day in about 3 years that he dosent call at all. He called me at about 3 pm asking if we where Going to meet, when I told him I couldn't until tomorrow because I wanted to call he said " okay I'll call u when I get out of work, it's 10 pm now and still haven't heard anything. I have called and he dosent answer. I sent him a text telling him that I wanted to do this in person but that he left me no choice and told him I no longer wanted to see him or be with me. The hardest part for me will be when he calls or texts me telling me he loves me and why I am doing all of this. I need to be strong but it seems very hard to do! I dnt no how I am going to do it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo tell you the truth, I don't know if i would take him after all this time and after all I asked him to tell me the truth. He hasent changed and I have tried to see his phone records but he refuses to show them to me becuase he wants to see mine as well and when I tell him I will, he changes the subject. he wouldn't and he even has his own wife with a nickname on his phone......uggggggggghhhhh! I'm starting to realize so much the more I write things down!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJonas, it is so weird reading your advice because every time I do, I feel liKe you know exactly what I am going through. The funny thing is that he has had a profile online and never mentioned his name or that he had a son it that he was married or in a relationship. He even got into my accounts for school and personal email to see if I was hiding anything and he didn't find anything. He told me he was sorry but that he had o make sure. I think after knowin you are right, I still try to find an excuse to validate my self. I really need to get away from him but it gets very difficult to. In CAN see myself in the scenarios you gave and since he hangs out with known UFC fighters and wrestlers once in a while he always says he wil become something and I will regret it. I however hate this becuase when evere he is out, he never answers his phone. Knowing he is a jerk Jonas, why is it still so hard to let go and after knowing all the bad things, y am I still hangin on?Everytime we are together I have such a wonderful time but i can not imagine myself being with him and doubting him all the time. I think I would suffer a lot. but if I know all of this, y is it so hard to let go? I really appreciate everything you guys have suggested me, I am opening my eyes more and starting to realize things I never had before.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI never looked at it that way. Money was always his excuse to not get a divorce so I offered it to see if he would do it and he never did. there has been times when he has told me that he needed to make sure that I will stick around for good becuase he didn't want to go through the divorce n look bad in front of his family for nothing. I told him that when he gets a divorce we can get engaged and go from there but he said the Mac he would wait would b a month for me to marry him. I kinda of seen it as him wanting a back up. He never grew up with a mother only a father figure and I think sometime that he sees that mother figure in me. I have cooked for him when he went over, helped him with books for college, buy him presents and cakes for his bday and on holidays and ranndomly take him food to work and bake his favorite chocolate cake for him. those are things he said his wife never did nor will do becuase he says he has told her and her response is that "he can do that all himself". I am very close to my family and valve my family a lot. he is not. His dad never celebrated a bday for him and taught him how " bdays are just any other day" he never received presents, no happy bday and no party ever. I can see it in his eyes when I give him things like these how suprise and emotional he gets. but after eveythin innate done, I still don't think he is sure I will stick around if we live together. He offered to get me a place and help me pay half of it but sometimes I doubt he would. I have always told him no and refuse to live with him will he is still married. He was emotionally abused by his step father when he was young before his father got custody and fear about his son going through that if she remarries he says. I have told him over and over, if that is th case, let me go and try to work things out with your wife becuase I would hate the little boy to have a broken family becuase of me but he states he can't becuase he loves me and not her. He says it would hurt him seeing me with someone else and not her but the reality is as much as I love him, I can't trust him anymore. I would need to see everything he is doing, calling or going in order for him to gain my trust back. I don't no if this is why he is still around, when I meet him I was about 115 and then within a couple of years when I found out he cheated I became very depressed and ended up weighing almost 180 and he still stuck around and never treated me different. I am at 125 now and he says he is so proud of what I have accomplished. He says he noticed I gained weight but never told me anything becuase he loved me either way. ye in front of others he really does not like to show me any affection. I feel like I am unappreciated sometimes.Then there are days that he compliments menand tells minim beautiful everyday. I have so many mixed emotions and I hate what I am going through but I care for him so much yet I know what I am doing is wrong. I want to find the strength to leave him but it is so hard. There at are times when he asks if we r Guna meet and when I tell him no, he says okay I'm going to do " this or that" and I'll call u back and I don't hear from him until the night. Sometimes it seems like he will only talk to me when we are going to see eachother or I am mad or something. Then there are those days when he tells me how happy we will both be once we graduate with a bachelors degree in one semester and we find decent jobs. he works at a school and will work there full time as a math teacher. I'm double majoring in nursing and English and he tells me he can get me a job their ( since he hangs out with the principal and that was how he got his job) or at another school and how we will have it made. He also states he would want to get full custody of his son which i wouldn't mind. Sometimes all of this just seems like the perfect life to me and sometimes to good to be true. Lately I have not been believing anything At all though and the calls he has been making recently before he goes to work to see what I'm doing and them says he will call on he way to work but dosent make me very suspiscious of him. why is this so hard to let go?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2011):
I think your boyfriend may eventually leave his wife. But you can't predict when it will happen, you can't push him to do it on your time frame because if he's really trapped in a bad marriage against his will, this shows he has emotional or psychological issues to work through. People who have healthy sense of self and good life skills would not be in this situation to begin with, or for this long. but part of the process of learning is experiencing bad life situations and struggling through them.
I don't doubt that he may love you and not love her but if he is going to leave his wife against the family and religious pressure, then he has a lot of inner work to do. He needs to change his beliefs and core attitudes and fears that have put him in this situation in the first place. changing beliefs and attitudes and fears is a very difficult thing to do. It's like changing your personality. People take years or even decades to do that. Some never do and spend their whole lives feeling broken. In the meantime they fight battles inside their own heads every day. And I have no idea where he is on that front. He may not even know himself.
because of that, my advice to you is to not wait for him. you've already waited 5 years. You can still feel sympathy for his situation. He may eventually leave her in an honorable way - certainly it would be more honorable than cheating on her no matter her past transgressions against him. But it's something he has to do on his own and you have no control over it. And since you're in so much pain, I would advise you to leave him. you can't base your decisions on someone else's inability to make their own decisions because he is not where he needs to be yet.
maybe in a few years time he may leave her and if you're still available then you can get back together and it will be better when it's under "clean" circumstances. But until then you need to leave him alone to do his own messy work by himself and not hold your own life back for that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Jonas so much for the advice. I'm so glad you told me all of this and your story does sound very familiar. All the time he goes he he dosent talk until he gets to his room and sometimes I do hear an echo in the back and when I ask him if he is in the restroom, he denies it and gets so offended and begins to get mad because " I'm making things up". He says he dosent want to talk in front of his dad because his dad still wants him with his wife and he is a crisitian so his dad dosent believe in divorce. He neveranswers the phone around his family because he says that's very disrespectful and to behonest, he never answers when he is around anyone. We use to web cam before but he dosent now because " it so old". Ouse to go over his housewhen his dad was not there but now he Rosenberg invite me over anymore. Aside from. That, he once had a pic of her in his phone as well as one of mine. She would appear when she called and I would appear when I called. he never let me see his phone before but now he does. A long time ago he had my number under a mans name so I wouldnt doubt he does that now to show me his phone. Or before he shows it to me "his habit kicks in" and "automatically" erases his calls. She has texted him before and I have seen her name but he says he deletes them becuase he dosent want me seeing them because all she says are bad things about me according to him.Now that I remember, there was one time when he told me to wait for him while he went to his gramas, I offered to go n wait outside but he refused. his wife works part time at a fast-food place and is a manager so ( without knowing she would be there) I happened to go through the drive thru. She dosent know who I am but anyways, I got my food n waited there in the parking lot until he called to meet again. As soon as I knew it, he pulled up but she was driving and he was in the passenger side. I left very mad and turned off my phone. He left me a message and told me that she needed a ride since she lives with her mom, and she was in a hurry so she took the keys and drove (bs).You are right as well, I do pay for everything and I'm the one who drives and hour to see him and I'm the one who goes at whatever time he says. It is hurtful but I never looked at who was giving more becuase I cared for him a lot. It seem stupid I know and his excuse was that he always has so many bills to pay, his son health insurance and karate practice his car and so fourth. I have almost about the same bills becuase I pay my rent, car and my bills and I always have extra money and he dosent pay rent, oh wait 150 he does, but that's all. you are right, I think I need confirmation but it does hurt a lot to let go and not knowing what to say or how to do it hurts more.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyeah you guys are right, I am a little hesitant and I think it is mainly because I want to see a good and hope that it would all be false because I care for him but in reality, I'm scared becuase I know it has been true all along. I spoke to him yesterday about meeting becuase I wanted to talk to him and he didn't bother on calling me only texted me at 10 pm telling me he was home and when he called me it was almost midnight but I didn't bother answering. I tyne woke up this morning to a text saying " I can't wait to see you. I am so lucky to have you in my life and I can't wait til we are together becuase I love you and know we are meant to be". I then texted him, " what's all this about" and he's stated " oh I'm just saying I will be off of work tomorrow for the summer ( he works in a school) and next week when I'm not busy you can go with me to get the divorce papers if I have the money to pay it all up front". but I didn't text back because I said " if, are you kidding me"I have offered a million times to pay it myself and he has never replied about it. It 500 to start and I have told him before I would pay it but when he knows I have bills to pay and that week I can't he will ask me about it. it seems like everytime I tell him I want to talk and he noices something is up, he will bring it up. I really want to end it because I am defenitly tired of this whole situation. I want someone I can't take to my parents, someone who I can go out with without only going to certain places, someone who van got out on the weekends to travel like I love to and my job permits me to. How can I break it off? Would it be better on the phone or in person? my parents dnt no I'm with him or they would kill me it they knew he was married and I know it has been wrong to have continued these almost 2 years knowing he was married. I have not even been to church like I used to because I can't bare the fact I know what I'm doing but walkin into a sacread place. One time when I broke it off and didn't call in 2 days nor answer, he texted and called me to tell me that he had gone to my house and told my mom he was a friend and found out I had left out of town. He waited until I arrived in the town I live till midnight. Prior to that, he stated that if I didn't agree to talk to him, he would go to my house and give my parents all my belongings and tell them everything. I told him I would then do the same and he stated he had nothing to loose that he never loved anyone more then me and he had never done anything like this before for anyone. help! How can I end it? ( around everyone he is very mature for his age. His friends are the principal, Vic principals coaches and teachers, he is never around peoe his age 27)
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyeah you guys are right, I am a little hesitant and I think it is mainly because I want to see a good and hope that it would all be false because I care for him but in reality, I'm scared becuase I know it has been true all along. I spoke to him yesterday about meeting becuase I wanted to talk to him and he didn't bother on calling me only texted me at 10 pm telling me he was home and when he called me it was almost midnight but I didn't bother answering. I tyne woke up this morning to a text saying " I can't wait to see you. I am so lucky to have you in my life and I can't wait til we are together becuase I love you and know we are meant to be". I then texted him, " what's all this about" and he's stated " oh I'm just saying I will be off of work tomorrow for the summer ( he works in a school) and next week when I'm not busy you can go with me to get the divorce papers if I have the money to pay it all up front". but I didn't text back because I said " if, are you kidding me"I have offered a million times to pay it myself and he has never replied about it. It 500 to start and I have told him before I would pay it but when he knows I have bills to pay and that week I can't he will ask me about it. it seems like everytime I tell him I want to talk and he noices something is up, he will bring it up. I really want to end it because I am defenitly tired of this whole situation. I want someone I can't take to my parents, someone who I can go out with without only going to certain places, someone who van got out on the weekends to travel like I love to and my job permits me to. How can I break it off? Would it be better on the phone or in person? my parents dnt no I'm with him or they would kill me it they knew he was married and I know it has been wrong to have continued these almost 2 years knowing he was married. I have not even been to church like I used to because I can't bare the fact I know what I'm doing but walkin into a sacread place. One time when I broke it off and didn't call in 2 days nor answer, he texted and called me to tell me that he had gone to my house and told my mom he was a friend and found out I had left
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): If he were really to divorce her and be with you, as he has led you to believe, then you might (if you marry him) become his child's step mother which means you would have to have some sort of working relationship with his wife (who would by then be his ex-wife).
Maybe his wife knows that her marriage is about to end and has accepted it because maybe it's true that there's no love between him and her if he married her only out of obligation. So it's not about whether she is a mean nasty person or a sweet kind person - everyone has both traits in them. Maybe it's jsut that she realizes her marriage may be ending and that you're in the picture and likely to become part of her son's life that's why she wanted to talk with you and was so professional and civil about it.
however, IMO, it really shouldn't matter anymore because he is a liar and a jerk and I don't think he will actually divorce her (though he may tell her as well as you that he will). even if he divorced her, after the way he has treated you - he seems very controlling and unreasonable towards you! - I think you would be better off without him
so forget about him, forget about his wife. Walk away and wipe your hands clean of this guy and re-focus your life. Just don't bother about them, leave them to each other and their exhausting marital problems. If their marriage ends, let it end on its own terms without you being involved anymore.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNow that you mention it, I have had various opportunities to call her and talk to her but I never did. He always said that if I did, I would find out he was right and that he would stop talking to me because I couldn't trust him. One day I did dial her number but it was already disconnected do I figured he convienced her to change it yet she never called me even though she had my number. She left me a message recently but I missed it and it was blocked. what made me decide that I couldn't take this anymore what that she sounded hurt and very sweet. She is a cristian and not once did she insult me or tell me names on the voicemail. She just stars that she knew her husband was talking to me and she knew that it took two and that she just wanted to ask me some questions and that she was a cristian mother who believed in nothing but God.
I confronted him and he said it was all a cover up. That she is controlling and dsnt like to do anything not even work. hearing her without telling me anything crushed me and I think all I needed was just some advice to get through it. I would want to talk to her just to find out if he is really with her but I'm to scared to because I dnt want to confront her.
Yet certain things he does make me think otherwise. the more I read your advice, the more I stop to think how blind I have been. not only has he lied to me but to his wife who is the main one affected alon with his son. what makes me wonder though is that she hardly ever has his son and he does. he is a great father to him becuase he always has him, attends his meetings, goes to all his practices, takes him fishing and these things make me think twice sometimes. But you are right, I think more about the bad things then the good an in all reality, it's because there is hardly any good. I'm from a small town of about 2000 people so when I moved to the city for college I was bigot influenced by him. I need to let go!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah your right, I do need time to myself to build my self esteem up and to realize what it is I want in life and everything I have missed so far. Thank You all. I know it will be hard but only time can heal this feeling I have
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): just take it one day at a time. Don't put any pressure on yourself to start dating again. in fact you shouldn't because when you're feeling vulnerable like now, you could get taken advantage of by another jerk or another married guy. You don't need a relationship to survive, but you do need to rebuild your confidence. so don't start dating again too soon. don't go crying to your ex and end up in a relationship with him again (remember there's a reason you and him broke up the first time). Don't look to other men for comfort, learn to comfort yourself. just spend some time - say several months - on your own and with your friends and family. it will feel easier once you're doing it let time pass and heal the wounds.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank You all for your advice and serenity80, I really appreciate your advice. It is nice to have a point of view from a male. I am going to end it and although I know it will hurt, being in the situation I am now hurts me even more. What hurts me the most is being considered a mistress. I never wanted to be in this situation and although I have had a chance to talk to his wife and I know where she works, I have never confronted her because I know she has so much right and I have none. My intention was never to get in between a family because he always told he was separated but i know that was never true based on his actions. It hurts me to even realize that I wasted so much time already. I am aware that this guy has cheated, lied and keeps things from me because every time I ask about his wife, he consistently changes the subject and doesn't like talking about her because she is the mother of his child. I honestly think she has done nothing wrong and the more and more I get to know him, I think he is the one who is lying. Thank you everyone for making this easier for me, I think I really just needed other people's opinion. I feel for his nice and emotional side he showed me but in all honesty, he has been nothing but a liar and I have believed everything he has said. I will keep you updated of what happens. I am going to see him today and plan to end it, I really can't do this no more!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011):
I am not sure if he will or not, but stay away from him. He sounds like he's not worth your time. Go find a guy who loves you.
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reader, serenity80 +, writes (2 June 2011):
Yes, call his wife and see what she has to say. I bet you will be extremely surprised by what you hear and it will go some way to understanding what the truth is in all this.
You know, I don't get it with you kind of women that get led on by married guys and fall for every single thing they say, you look up to them like they could do no wrong.
I bet you're a really lovely woman, but you've wasted 5 years of your life on this guy. 5 years you could have been getting to know, and falling deeply in love with a man you can spend the rest of your life with! It's tragic when you see it for how it is.. don't let yourself waste another 5 years of your life, please!
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reader, fatelove77  +, writes (2 June 2011):
He is still with his wife behind your back. Give her a ring...see what she has to say. I can bet 100% she still is seeing him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo those of you who replied, thank you very much! I posted this question because I have been giving thought of letting him go. I know i shouldnt have talked to him in the first place because he is married but by the time he told me, it was to late. I never thought about him using me financially, I always seen it as a way to prove to him I would be there through good and bad. He always told me he only married his wife becuase they where both 19 when she got pregnant and since he is an only son, he dad basically told him that he either married or got kicked out from home. He told me he tried but it just didn't work because he didn't love her. Everytime I decide to stop talking to him, he drives to my house ( about 2 hrs away) with flowers telling memhe loves me and so forth. how can I end it without making it very painful for me? the truth is I dont know how to start without him. It's not that I think my life will end but ever since I was 20, I have played by his rules and now, I have no idea what to do after him. I dont like drinking or going to clubs but I do when he goes because i think he will talk to other people because everytime he goes out, he never answers the phone. I would go out with my friends before and now I don't. I don't go out with my Sis and bro in law becuase he dosent like it. I dnt travel because he dosent want me to and I have done everything I can but I have had enough. I just don't know how to end it. He considers the time I went to my ex for comfort "as cheating" and everytime I want to talk to him about his wife or if I have a question he ends up throwing that in my face! my ex is going to medical school and he has not gone out with anyone since me and tells me he will wait for me. He is nice and has always been there for me but I just dont know what to do! How do I move on when I have experienced everything with this guy and have made him a priority in my life! How do I get my pride, my family and my friends back? I'm so scared of moving on and don't know why!
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male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (2 June 2011):
This guy, what a loser! He's trying to say you should change before he gets a divorce!? That's unbelievable. Listen.. this guy is a master at deception. He may like being with you, when it suits him, but he does not want to be married to you. If he did, he would leave his wife. It's as simple as that.
You sound like you have a lot going for you, and you deserve a guy who is free and single. A guy who wants to marry you and be your husband.
Thinking ahead.. how bad is this going to end up if you ever do find your mr right? It sounds a bit cheap and nasty that you're seeing a married man. By going along with it, you're showing you think it's morally right and acceptable. You might lose the very kind of guy you actually want to end up with.
Time to get the support of your close friends and family to help you move on from this. Cut him out of your life completely, do not go back. Allow yourself the opportunity to move on and eventually find someone who wants you and without conditions.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 June 2011):
 He is not going to leave his wife
he is not going to marry you
love should be unconditional....
you have to do the hardest thing in your life, you have to leave a man you love. it's never going to be a healthy relationship.
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reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (2 June 2011):
No man is worth sacrificing your pride, your religious beliefs, your values and your friends over!
You've caught him in lies numerous times. In public he doesn't acknowledge a relationship with you because it would hurt his reputation. this is disrespectful to you but since you're technically his mistress he would look very bad to acknowledge the relationship with you, which is why he should get divorced if he really wants to be with you as he claims.
You should move on because he's stringing you along. You're allowing him to have way too much power over your life.
He can certainly get divorced if he really wanted to. Saying that you are too full of drama - if that's true, well then still what does that have to do with why he can't get a divorce? Courts exist to work out child custody and visitation issues. If his wife called you wanting to talk to you and stopped calling you when he asked her to, it sounds like she's not such an unreasonable person that he claims she is (as his excuse to not proceed with divorce).
right now he's comfortable where he is. He's got you fulfilling his needs, and he doesn't have to go through the discomfort of a divorce. it doesn't sound like he has any incentive to want things to change.
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