A
female
age
41-50,
*nelostlove
writes:I hope this doesn't come off mean but I need a few questions answered Maybe someone has went through this. My boyfriend of 8 months left his wife n family to be with me. I rent from them and that's how I got to know him. He's been married for almost 10 years and they have two little kids. His ex got mad because all we where doing is texting each other. He's a very nice person and a businesses man. I am 27 and he's almost 40. Since everything happened he has been staying with me for the past 8 months since the night she kicked him out. He still talks to her everyday and does everything she asks. When his ex calls he drops everything for her. I have went to his ex personally and asked her to stay out of are life! Well he bought a house 3 houses down from his example house. She just walks in anytime she wants. He's not living there but his stuffs there he stays with me. We talked about moving into his home where its close to his exs but he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. They talk all the time. If they r fighting he's nice to me but if they r getting along he says he just wants to keep the peace with her for the kids. One big problem she will not allow her kids around me and I'm very nice and caring and will make the perfect step mom. The other day he said he still cares for her because of the kids. He will not make her move out of the house like u asked him too. He told me he misses his family but want to be with me. I have broke down and told him I love him And don't want to lose him. I know I was the affair woman but she has said mean hurtful things to myself n to him. I try to explain to him she's nothing but an ex and he needs to stop talking to her n helping her. I can't go on family things with him n his family if he takes his kids because his ex doesn't like me. Will he ever man up to her? Or am I a rebound? His sister wont allow me in her home and his mom always has nice things to say to me. Will he end up going back to her? Please help!
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female
reader, onelostlove +, writes (21 June 2012):
onelostlove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the feed back. I think I need to say good bye to him, I feel lots of quilt over this and so does he. I know he's not truly happy. Everyone's answer is how I feel. Thanks
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 June 2012):
 The first thing I see is that it’s NOT mean but you are not clearly seeing the situation for what it is.
THIS IS NOT A NICE SWEET ANSWER... THIS IS HARSH AND FULL OF TRUTH FROM A SINGLE MOM'S POINT OF VIEW. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK OP AND ACCEPT THAT IT'S A TYPE OF SUPPORT THAT IS PAINFUL...
I truly think if his wife (and they are not divorced so legally she is his wife albeit estranged) wanted him back he’d go back to her in a heartbeat. I know that makes you feel lousy but he has over ten years history with her and two children that he loves very very much. He is still clearly attached to her.
I left my first husband when my kids were 3 and 5. It was mutual and friendly and there were no third parties involved but it took us a very very long time to become two separate family units that functioned well together.
Even if he does go through with a divorce, he will be tied to this woman forever and if the kids are young he will be tied to her nearly daily for a few years and pretty consistently till they are grown and on their own… YOUR life is part of THEIR LIFE and THEIR LIFE is part of your life…. They are intertwined and she can’t stay out of it any more than he can stay out of hers… Going to her and asking her to stay out of the life of the father of her children just poured salt in her wound. YOU REALLY DON’T GET HOW A FAMILY WORKS…. HE is their father. She is their mother… even if they are not married they are still PARENTS together and you can’t change that. You need to learn to accept that she is part of your life. The WISEST thing my kids stepmom ever did was make me a friend of hers… of course she was not the reason my marriage ended he did not meet her till much later one… we were still legally married but we were already done with the day to day contact and the checking to see if we could get back together and make it work.
He did NOT leave his family to be with you. His wife caught him emotionally cheating with you and she THREW HIM OUT… do you think he would have left had she not thrown him out?
The fact that he bought a house so close to his family home and she has a key and can go in and out says a lot. HE is NOT done with that part of his life even if he is living with you. He jumps at her beck and call in hopes that she will take him back…. I doubt he would admit to that because he does not want to hurt your feelings or be alone but I’m betting he wants his life with her back and is sorry he got caught texting with you.
You will NOT make the perfect stepmom. Just because you are nice and caring. YOU are the reason their marriage ended. Do you think those kids as they get older and shuttle back and forth between mom and dad will be HAPPY to see YOU? Don’t hold your breath. My kids hated my second husband and would not stay with him in the house… guess who went bye bye? NOT THE KIDS…
As for still caring for an “ex” who is the parent of your children, I do not want harm to come to my ex for the sake of my kids, and never did but the less I had to do with him the better… It was not caring for him because of the kids… that’s not necessary… you wish them well you want them happy because it affects your children but he is not done with her…
YOU don’t want to lose him but you don’t really have him other than in your bed at night… his heart and his brain are still with them.
As for her saying mean hateful things to you, what did you expect, that she would welcome you with open arms???
SHE IS NOT NOTHING BUT AN EX. You will never survive this if that’s how you view THE WOMAN HE LOVED THE MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN AND THE WOMAN HE IS FOREVER TIED TO. He will share grandchildren with this woman… they will cry and comfort each other should something happen to one of the kids (god forbid) and you will be an outsider then.
You’re not even a rebound relationship… that implies his marriage was over before you came along but he was not done… YOU are the cause of his marriage ending… he will always have to talk to her. I have kids that are 26 (nearly) and 28 and I still talk to their dad and stepmom about them…. We always are tied to the people we parent with.
Will he go back to her? I bet if she allowed it he would.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2012): If his wife threw him out and he did not voluntarily leave her to be with you. Plus her wishes are more important to him than yours are. Then you are more than likely a rebound girlfriend.
Asking her to stay out of your lives wont work because she will see it that you are in their lives. I would leave them to get on with either reconciling, which seems to be the husbands choice or separating properly.
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A
female
reader, Tinkz  +, writes (20 June 2012):
 im going to be frank with you, you need to understand that you ended a 10year marriage, you cant honestly expect her to accept you with open arms and just allow you in her childrens lives.
Who is to say that the kids will accept you. just because you think you will be a great step mom, whio says they will have the same attitude towards you.
you also cant just expect him to get over her, they share a long history, a family. he will always care for her! there is no greater bond than children.
His mom will be nice to you, cause she loves her son. you know the saying mommies boy, well there is not truer saying. so yes she will accept you because she may feel she has to.
to me it sounds like he is using you as a go to Girl. it also sounds like he is going through a bit of a mid life crisis and if you are not careful, you are going to get hurt.
if you push him too hard, he will leave. men dont like pushy women.
im not condoning what you did, but i also understand that you dont choose who you fall in love with.
When you got into the relationship, you knew it wasnt going to be easy. so this may not be easy to do, give it time, you have only loved him for 8months, they have loved each other for 10 years maybe longer.
Just as much as you need him in your life, they both need time to let go of each other in theirs.
and yes the children will play a huge factor in all of this, they both dont want the situation to affect them, because at the end of the day, its the children that get hurt the most.
If you push too hard, they may just see you as the women that took their daddy!
and that you dont want, because it is hard to be with someone when the kids dont like that person. His first priority WILL BE HIS KIDS!
So my suggestion, dont force the issue of being made part of his family, when he is ready, and its what he wants, then he will force the issue for you.
But until then, there is no amount of pushing that will make him stop contact with his wife, family and kids
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A
female
reader, Tinkz +, writes (20 June 2012):
im going to be frank with you, you need to understand that you ended a 10year marriage, you cant honestly expect her to accept you with open arms and just allow you in her childrens lives.
Who is to say that the kids will accept you. just because you think you will be a great step mom, whio says they will have the same attitude towards you.
you also cant just expect him to get over her, they share a long history, a family. he will always care for her! there is no greater bond than children.
His mom will be nice to you, cause she loves her son. you know the saying mommies boy, well there is not truer saying. so yes she will accept you because she may feel she has to.
to me it sounds like he is using you as a go to Girl. it also sounds like he is going through a bit of a mid life crisis and if you are not careful, you are going to get hurt.
if you push him too hard, he will leave. men dont like pushy women.
im not condoning what you did, but i also understand that you dont choose who you fall in love with.
When you got into the relationship, you knew it wasnt going to be easy. so this may not be easy to do, give it time, you have only loved him for 8months, they have loved each other for 10 years maybe longer.
Just as much as you need him in your life, they both need time to let go of each other in theirs.
and yes the children will play a huge factor in all of this, they both dont want the situation to affect them, because at the end of the day, its the children that get hurt the most.
If you push too hard, they may just see you as the women that took their daddy!
and that you dont want, because it is hard to be with someone when the kids dont like that person. His first priority WILL BE HIS KIDS!
So my suggestion, dont force the issue of being made part of his family, when he is ready, and its what he wants, then he will force the issue for you.
But until then, there is no amount of pushing that will make him stop contact with his wife, family and kids
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (20 June 2012):
Sorry but this relationship’s a disaster. Whatever he thinks of you, he’s not ready to let go of his ex and family yet, how long are you prepared to stick around to wait and see if he can let go? And won’t you always be looking over your shoulder anyway and wondering if you’re a rebound, because, to use your own words, you were the affair woman? As for the idea that she’s nothing but an ex, you’re wrong! She’s the mother of his kids, and will always be a part of his life for that reason, and if you stay with him, a part of your life too. True, he could put some distance between them as it sounds like he’s going beyond just being civil for the kids, but either she’s a difficult woman and he fears losing access to them, or there’s still something between them. Either way, this leaves him unavailable to give you the level of commitment that you want. As for not letting you see the children, she probably feels that it’s just too soon, and you’ve not been with their father long enough yet to be introduced as a step mother, and you’re relationship is already hitting troubled waters so is this really appropriate timing to take on a Step Mum role? To be honest, you do not seem ready or able to deal with the level of baggage that this man comes with. Love alone isn’t enough. All the signs are that this relationship stands little chance, maybe you should take the painful decision to walk away now rather than see it to the bitter death.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (20 June 2012):
 If they're still married, then she isn't "just an ex" she's HIS wife. I don't blame her for not wanting the children around you, you helped contribute to the destruction of THEIR family. Of course he misses his family, he has two young children he loves, and they love and need their father. You have no right to issue him ultimatums regarding how he deals with HIS wife and HIS children.
He probably realized he's made a mistake with you, and wants to try and repair the damage done to his marriage. Why don't you stay out of their lives and allow them to work things out. Until they are officially divorced, he hasn't "left" them for you, yet.
Why would you even want a man who could so easily discard his wife and children for a bit on the side? He will do the same thing to you, somewhere down the line.
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