A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:We met online, he said that he thought I was a homebody by my profile. Technically I am - I spend most of my weekdays Netflixing and Gaming, I just like to do things once in awhile.When I was in college I was in a two clubs and a Sorority and three Fraternities, band, choir, and theatre. So I was out going in those aspects, but I never did the social aspects of it. I preferred to stay home and play video games or watch Netflix unless it was a movie, crafting, recruiting, or food event. Basically I guess I am trying to say is that I never really made a lot of friends in my groups that I hung out with outside of the groups and school meals.I am not the type of person to hang out at the bar every weekend (or at all honestly), and I have only been clubbing a handful of times. But I do like to get out of the house once in awhile and do something, like see a movie, go out to eat, go on a weekend vacation.My profile stated that I love Netflix and video games but I also love going on trips and exploring things. I told him how much I loved to travel before we started dating and listed my next few trips I had prepared and he said he would love to join me for them.I am a nerd so I like to go to Comicons and RenFests. He said he was a nerd too, but I have found out he doesn't know much about the nerd world, his nerdism is video gaming.Things went great at first, he went with me to Comicon in May, so right after our relationship turned one month. He spent a lot of time with me that first month. He took me out to dinner a lot. We traveled because he lives 3 hours from my family, and there was a wedding and graduation to go to. So May was pretty busy, but its not usually that busy.After that he changed, he stopped interacting with me and played on his video games all day every day from the time he went to work to the time he went to bed, even when I was at his house. The only time I got any interaction with him was over meals and he started to refuse to go out and eat at a sit-down place. It always had to be fast food unless I offered to fix him a meal. Most of my time at his house was spent in his living room watching Netflix while he was in his office playing video games.I don't mind gamers because I enjoy games too, but I'd like some attention.My sister got married in Aug. so we had to go to her wedding and it was 4 hours away. He was so mad all weekend that he wasn't able to play his video games until we got back home on Sunday that he didn't speak to me for the entire 4 hour car ride there and was a jerk to my sister whom he had never met.In September I reminded him about the Convention I wanted to go to that I had told him about before we started dating and that he said sounded interesting. I asked him to go saying everything was paid for. He refused because it sounded less enjoyable than his video games.I asked again a week later, he refused again and I cried because I was upset that he would say in the beginning that he would go with me and now wouldn't. He said I was being dramatic and broke up with me because I was "trying to force him to do something he didn't want to do."I did not think it was much to ask of him. He literally does nothing with his life besides work and games, he doesn't even hang out with friends in person because they hang out online. (He will chat online over mic with his friends more than he will call me, he hasn't called me since our first week of dating - its been 4 months).I told him I would do something he wanted to do if he ever came up with an idea. The only thing he wanted to do this summer was go to the state fair, which was exciting for me since I had never been to his states fair before. However he said he only wanted to go for the food like he does every year and leave...we literally went to eat and nothing else. I was super disappointed. (I also ask him to let me play video games with him because at least that is some socialization, but it rarely happens...only if his friends are not online)He did take me to the theme park for my birthday. He got tickets right after we started dating but with May being so busy we couldn't go around my Birthday. I worked at a summer camp all summer so I only got 24hrs off every other weekend and 12 hours off the other weekends so my only time I could go was over the 4th of July weekend and he was mad at me for asking him to go, but he had no other plans and had taken a whole week off work to play video games, so he had time. We went and it was fun, but we could only ride rides he chose - two of those being super scary, but I road them because I wanted to have fun with him. He would not ride anything I chose.Fast forward after the break up. We continue to talk and he says he wants to work on things. I state what I would like to see improved in the relationship. Better communication when apart, maybe a night where he takes a break from video games once a week so we can watch a movie or play a board game, and once a month go out and do something fun on the weekend. (I didn't think asking once a month would be too hard but apparently it is). He said that sounded fair and that he would try and be more outgoing so we could do more weekend activities.When I asked him what he wanted to see be better in the relationship was: shave your legs more than 2-3 times a week. Don't make me travel as much as we did in May. When cooking you made the kitchen a mess (I always cleaned it up), sometime your things from your suitcase got messy (guilty as charged), and that he didn't want any more stink eye when he played video games (This comes from the time where he came home from work, didn't acknowledge me and went to play games. 5 hours later near bedtime I asked him if he was going to spend any time with me that day, because I had not even heard a word from him, even at dinner - he got super mad).So Sunday I got the courage up to ask him if he would go to the RenFest with me, something he has never done but I have gone for years and really think he would enjoy it. We talked about it all day, he asked a lot of questions and we started planning our trip, he asked if we needed a hotel since its 4 hours away and I said it was up to him...etc.Today I sent a text saying "hey we haven't talked about the RenFest since Sunday and the weekend is coming fast, any ideas on what you want to do?" (since we had not finalized if we were getting a hotel or not)He said "I don't know, I haven't thought about it."I asked "why have you not thought about it?"And he said "I'm not all that interested."But on Sunday he seemed interested and made these plans with me and now he doesn't want to go? I asked him why that was and he said that he was, "just making conversation on Sunday." UM WHAT???It seems a lot more like making plans to me. I am so upset right now. I am tired of him saying he will do things with me then backing out of them or if he does go, be grumpy the whole time. I don't deserve that.I believe in a relationship you need to find things you will both do and enjoy together but also do things your SO enjoys doing. I would do something he enjoyed doing if he would come up with something to do. Since we have been together he only did two things, the fair for food and then his friends house which I went to both of those 9side note: his friends house was appalling).He doesn't think it necessary to do things with me that I really enjoy. Even tough he promised he would work on it, pretty sure he lied.He says everything is about me in the relationship and that we always have to do what I want to do, but I don't feel that way at all. I feel like we are doing what he wants to do 24/7...aka him play games while I sit around bored. I feel like the least he could do is have a date night with me once a week. And sometimes those dates might happen to be something I enjoy, since we do what he enjoys all the time. Even sitting down and watching Netflix together at times would be nice.I miss how he was the first month of our relationship, he spent time with me, called me when I was away, actually asked me to come over, and do things with me. I keep hoping to see that guy again but I don't think he will ever be like that again and I don't understand why he can't take some time for me. If he actually cared about me, wouldn't he?He said traveling so much in May burnt him out and all he wants to do is relax and game, but its October now so how is he still "burnt out?"I am not really sure what to do. I want to give him a chance but I feel like I probably will never become a priority in his life and he will not become more outgoing even if he says he will try.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate, followed by some replies and a rant on how I realize how bad he treated me--I finally told him that I had given him a month to change and even though he said he would change, he did not, and that I deserved better than that.We are officially done now.--He does say he has social anxiety, and I often wonder if he doesn't have more problems than that. He stopped cuddling with me after May, and when I ask about it he says that sometimes he doesn't like to be touched. I am not sure if that is because of some problem he has or just an excuse not to cuddle with me.In the beginning before we met and while we were on dates he seemed like such a good guy, so nice and sweet. But I should have seen it then. When he came over for our first date I wanted to go out and do something and he said we would, and we never did, even when I mentioned it a few times. Finally I just had to order a pizza. Because all he wanted to do was sit around and cuddle. Even though he had promised and even originally suggested we go see Batman vs Superman.He only visited me twice and kept begging me to come to his house, probably so he didn't have to leave his, even in the beginning.Thinking back after a few weeks of dating he started criticizing me. If I stayed at his house on a day I had off he would get mad if I was still in PJ's/Lounge clothing when he got home from work. He always told me I shouldn't be wearing my leggings in public and that I should put on jeans (I refused), he would say I need to shave more often even if I had just shaved two days before. I have a bad habit of biting my hangnails from my anxiety and he would get mad at me for doing it.He would also get mad at me if I watched too much Netflix because it took away from his data cap for his gaming.We went to Comicon in May and after that is when he changed, that was a month into our relationship. He showed a lot of interest in going, he was super excited about it before we went, I did not force him to go, he wanted to go. He decided to drive and he was freaking out about city traffic and we were running behind because he refused to go through a yellow light which caused us to get stuck behind the same light for three long rounds of red. I almost missed a photo op I had paid for, one he told me to put on that day. I got a bit snippy and road ragey towards the other cars but not like cussing ragey (I don't cuss), was just telling other cars in front of us to go! He said I was really rude to him because I got snippy trying to tell him to go through the yellow light. I will be honest, I was snippy about it but it wasn't like I was being incredibly rude to him. He got even more mad that I spent a lot of time in line for photos and autographs, which I explained would happen. He said he wanted to look around the vendors room which was in the same area. I told him I had already prepaid for these tickets so I had to stay in line, but if he wanted to look I wouldn't mind. I told him I would join him when I was finished - he refused to go without me and started to get mad at me because I wouldn't leave the line and go with him.When we got there he moped around all day. He didn't enjoy any of the panels I wanted to go to but he refused to go to one without me that he would possibly enjoy. I tried to get him to talk to the people at the Twitch table since he loves watching streamed video games, he refused to since he apparently only watches streams from the coast and said he wasn't interested in these midwest streams. I was confused about that. I really tried to find him something he would enjoy!After that he was still in a bad mood the rest of the weekend and in fact for an entire week he was moody and distance - which I thought was weird, even after I apologized several times.Some direct quotes from him and me:Him: If I object to anything you get upset.Me: Because you have objected every date and activity idea I have had since May, and when I ask you to come up with an idea you say lets just go get fast food and watch Netflix which is the only thing we have done since May, I would like to go out sometime.Him: That is because I said yes to everything prior to May.Me: That was five months ago, you can't just say yes to one date/activity a year.I have often wondered how his last relationship lasted for 6 years, unless he treated her differently.He was in a bad mood one day(during this lull of our relationship) I asked him why and he said he had dreamed about his ex. Well I decided to ask "would you rather still be with her?" Because typically when you dream about someone you have been thinking a lot about them.He said "it doesn't matter what I want because her and I are over."Then accused me of being dramatic when I pointed out that that sounds like he still had feelings for her.I do believe he still has feelings for her even if they had been over for a year. I wonder if he thought I was like her so he wanted to date me (he asked me 3 times before I said yes) and when I proved not to be, stopped caring.
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (8 October 2016):
 OMG. Do NOT get back together with this guy. First of all, he honestly might be a video game addict; either that, or he's super emotionally stunted. To give you the silent treatment for missing video games for several hours??? That really really does not sound healthy. I think he likes the idea of the girlfriend, or the perks of having a girlfriend (ie sex and free meals you're making him?) BUT NOT the work that goes into having a girlfriend. He has no intention of changing his ways. He just said that to try to get you back, for those perks I mentioned. And I would be incredibly hurt if someone faked interest about something that they knew was important to me. To not follow through, when you guys were in a stage of possibly reconnecting, is unacceptable. He's showing his same ways of not making effort. Almost anyone would be better than this guy at this point.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 October 2016):
 He is a switch and bait kind of guy.
When you two first "met" and talked he claimed to have the same interests as you to basically wheel you in and make himself look like a good "catch" for you.
However, he didn't WANT to keep up the facade for very long and the GUY you see right now (the one who works and games and whines) THAT is who he is.
While I DO agree with him that you shouldn't try and FORCE him to do cons or fests with you if he doesn't want to. Quite frankly that would suck (for you more than him, because he would bitch, snivel and whine and you wouldn't get to enjoy it at all).
He is SUPER passive-aggressive in case you haven't noticed. He will ONLY play video games with you.... when none of his friends are online. He doesn't CARE that you have to sit around his place while HE plays games... He promises to meet you halfways, only to renege his promise. He even made an ass of himself at your SISTER's wedding - what a jerk!
Honey, he will NOT change. THIS is who he is... You can't make him be interested in things YOU are interested in because he really doesn't give a fly's fart about anything that doesn't include things HE wants to do.
He hasn't BOTHERED to call you ONCE in 4 months. Why do you think that is? My guess? It would take time away from his gaming and what HE wants to do.
If I were you, I'd wish him well and look for a guy who ACTUALLY shares things in common with you, not this guy who faked interested to "get you" to date him.
And after wishing him well, I'd block him, delete any numbers and change all passwords of yours, he might know.
You are wasting your time on a "fixer upper" that will not become what YOU want him to be. No matter how much you try and how much you care.
Let him go. Enjoy life, enjoy your hobbies, friend and family.
My guess is you know all this, so stop dragging your feet.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (8 October 2016):
 Aw hun, I'm sorry..you've got yourself a dud. He has no intention of putting you first but since you have been going on and putting up with him, he thinks his behavior is ok. It isn't. I don't think he's going to change and you are wasting your time. Find someone who finds YOU more exciting than the games.
I got married at 19 and my ex husband was just like this. Everything we did was always "his things", watching him play football, baseball, work on cars, and play video games. He never wanted to do anything I did and he wouldn't even try to bond with my family at gatherings (which were important to me), he always made an ass of himself and he pretty much cut me off from most of my friends.
I was young and at the time didn't see what he was, but 2 years later I wised up and it was sayonara. He's now 55, been through 5 wives....some people never grow up.
Get out now. You deserve far better than the little he offers!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 October 2016):
 Sweetie I honestly don't know what you get out off this relationship. Okay so the first month was good, but nobody can keep up an act for long, and that is what it was. Sure he says now he will change and try harder, but it is all words, he is not showing improvement. He broke up with you once he will do it again because he wants a girlfriend who will cook for him, entertain herself and not ask for anything.
Sweetie you know you deserve better than this. I have no issue with him being a gamer, but he should still make time for you, it sounds to me like the games is more important in his life than you are. Getting annoyed about going away to your sisters wedding is ridiculous. He either has a bad addiction to his games or else he suffers from social anxiety. Either way he needs to start living his life and stop being so selfish.
I am sorry I really don't know what to say to you other than you know you deserve better, and he is not going to change.
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