A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi my bf and I have been together for 10 months. From the beginning hes had control, jealousy,.and trust issues. They seem to be getting worse.He had my fb and hotmail passwords and yes he gave me his I looked maybe twice he was on my lots daily looking for things that dont exist. Anyways, he wanted to know every detail about my past, I told him everything I could and briefly mentioned one guy I was in a relationship with. I didnt say much about it cause it was painful. There was abuse and It hurt to bring up those memories. He ended up finding out I was with him for longer than I had disclosed and began calling me a liar rather than understanding it was a bad experience I was trying to forget. I mentioned early on I went to bars with my gfs before him maybe 5 times in years he didnt like that and said for me not to go. He doesnt want me contacting males or vice versa so he sneaks in my purse tries to look through my things even though I assure him Im not. He gos's me then accuses me of not being where the gps says and Ive found a way of beating the gps. He gets mad if Im late to see him or If I have to cancel our plans srnds bad texts then sulks. This guy I was with asked for me back I assured my bf I dont want him and he doesnt believe me. He thinks Im cheating. He plats co ed hockey but tells me I cant join a co ed gym. He talks to a female friend but his rules are different for me. Do you think he will ever believe me?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (25 February 2013):
 no he will never believe you and to top it off his behavior will get worse over time.
his rules are different for you than for him... to me that's the biggest issue.
IF his rules are good enough for you they are good enough for him... if he says otherwise, then why do you stay?
What I see happening here OP is as this relationship progresses, and he gets more and more empowered in his head by controlling you, everything you do will become suspect.
Here's my concern and I tell you my story so you could imagine it happening to you....
I had a brunch yesterday with four girlfriends... I got up, I dressed (including shower, hair and makeup) and went out for brunch... i was gone from 10:40 till 1:30....
When I got home I woke my hubby... he asked who was there (there ended up being more people than expected) and what we talked about and who ate what... and who paid for what... yada yada yada... there were no accusations. There was no ranting, no raving, no forbidding me to go out and have fun with friend and no belief that I was lying to him.
Think about this scenario and what do you think your guy would do or say?
I'm betting that even if he does not do it now, eventually if you get dressed up to go out with girlfriends (even for brunch at a diner) he will accuse you of cheating and lying... and NOTHING you say or do will be prove it. EVERY SECOND YOU ARE OUT OF HIS SIGHT will be a second he believes you to be cheating or lying to him about it...
do you want to live like this forever?
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (24 February 2013):
No he won't and things will get worse and worse. You need to leave this guy and never look back.
Listen to me carefully: this type of behavior is the same as many women have experienced who ended up DEAD. Many would have defended their man until the end.
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A
male
reader, DV1 +, writes (24 February 2013):
 You need to get away from this guy, now! Change all of your passwords and get your life back!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2013): Gps? If my bf said that Id tell him where to go and fast. Sweetheart this is not your fault these are not your issues. He needs help. You need to go out have fun. Thats severe control. Please dont marry him and please dont have kids with him. Get some counselling for yourself. He doesnt need yourpasswords he doesnt need to sneak in your purse who you speak with is your business not his. Go for a girls night out ir even coffee with some friends to get your thoughts together. He will use excuses for his behaviour trust me Ive been there years ago. He will try and catch you in lies thats why he needs to know so much. Run girl run!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 February 2013):
 Do you think you'll ever find the common sense for leaving him ?
This guy is craaazy !
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 February 2013):
 No, he will never believe you, because all these "fears of his" are not about YOU. It's an excuse to try and control you fully. And you play right along with his games.
He TELLS you that you can't join a co-ed GYM.. SERIOUSLY? And you think that is OK? That HE can do co-ed things, but you can't because what? You are a female and thus can't control yourself?
You can't go out with female friends either?
So your life should revolve 100% around him?
You past had to be laid out for his inspection and when you didn't WANT to share all the "gory" details he accused you of lying?
Sorry, honey, but this will only get worse.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 February 2013):
 No. He will never believe you. He never believed you to begin with. And it will only get worse. He has no right to look at your facebook or e-mail or look you up at the gps to track you down like some criminal. He has no right. Yet there he sits and demands it. Not only that, the accusations are all over the place.
I hope you understand that this is not about you at all. You never did anything to make him feel this way, he was like this BEFORE you met him. He has been like this with ALL of his past girlfriends, if I'm not wrong. And he will be like this for the rest of his life, and the longer you stay with him the worse it will get. Soon you can't go outside the door, he'll follow you everywhere. Already you can't talk to men, or barely even look at men. Already he decides where you can and can't go. This isn't about compromising, this is about a man who seeks to control every aspect of your life. And you LET HIM! Why???
The more you give him the WORSE he becomes. It doesn't get easier, it gets worse! You think maybe if you give into this or this that he demands, then he'll believe you, then he'll back off. But he wont, because his irrational, controlling needs is not about you or what you do or what you say. It's all about him him him, all in his head. And since it's all about HIM, and he is who he is, then it will never end.
That is, it wont end until you LEAVE. And you need to leave. How much are you going to allow him to take over your life? These thing develop, and he's already been so aggressive in his need to control you after only 10 months. Soon you wont be allowed to talk to anyone. If someone says hi to you on the street you'll be held up for days being accused of cheating. If you as much as send a smiley face to a friend he'll ground you, accuse you, maybe even get physically abusive. Because he's already controlling you, has no respect for you, and it's a short way from there and to being physically abusive.
I know. My dad is like this. My mother wasn't allowed to talk to men, she wasn't allowed to even say hi to an old friend if she passed him on the streets. I'm pretty sure he hit her, because he slapped us kids several times. And he verbal abuse? Oh yeah. Tons of that. You do know he is abusing you mentally by constantly accusing you of things? I'm pretty sure he's called you names too. These type of people do that.
My mom had to get a secret phone number after her new boyfriend moved in with us, and the harassment reached new heights. Then next time he met her he put his hands around her neck right in front of my aunt and little brother.
So, trust me... Trying to control you is only the beginning. Get out now, while you still can. Before he starts to tell you what you can and can't wear. Before he puts his hands on you. Before he convinces you to have a child with him (this is just another way to lock you down, believe me). My dad talked my mom into having a child with him after only dating for 5 months. Then once she was pregnant he said he didn't want a child after all.
Growing up with him as a dad? Not much fun. So don't get pregnant by this man. And if you already are pregnant, get out of the relationship and restrict his access to the child.
End this relationship now before you get sucked in too far. A man who loves you, deeply and honestly, would NOT do these things to you. He does not love you, he mere seeks CONTROL. He will tell you he loves you, he will make grand love declarations (and probably suggest marriage and having a child together), but it's all about HIM getting the control he feels he needs. It's not at all about you. You're merely a piece to control, and he doesn't care what you think or want as long as he gets to control everything you do.
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