A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:ok- so it's kind of a long story- but here it goes... I met my bf almost three years ago when I was visiting another state- looking at moving there. We were both dating other people (neither one exlusive)- but met through a mutual friend and hit it off. He got my phone number and we started chating, texting, and emailing everyday. I told him, I wasn't sure about this, because I really wasn't looking to put myself in a position to get hurt, and he seemed like someone who could hurt me. He promised he would neverr hurt me and went on to tell me everything that he found so amazing about me. We would spend hours talking everyweek, and all day at work emailing. about a month later, he ended it with the other woman to pursue me. I ended it with my other as well, He came to visit, it was a romantic and wonderful weekend. Talking for hours, having fun, and great chemistry in every part of our relationship. Everything was great for 4+ months- he was sweet, romantic, funny, and told me he was falling for me. I told him that I loved him, and he told me he could not say it back, because (all of a sudden) he didn't feel it. We decided to keep dating. Then 6 months into our relationship, I moved to where he lived- mind you- the same town- not residence. He had given me a key to his place, and we spent almost everynight together. Then he tells me how there have only been two women he has ever loved (not his ex wife- btw- he's 31 at this point) Lets say- gfA who dated him for about a year- left him- then came back when he begged and they 'dated' a bit and left again- only to leave him in such a state of depression that he vowed never to be out of control again. then gfB who was a rebound to gfA and they dated for about a month- before she moved to another town to live with her ex (now hubby) and then still dated him on the side for another month. Ok- back to story- before I moved here- ran into gfA at a show- and he had a panic attack outside. I had to sit there and talk him through it. Then after I moved here, I found an email to gfA- saying how he would always love her and she was the most beautiful women he would ever known inside and out. It broke my heart- and when I confronted him with it- he said he wrote it a few months before and he didn't feel that way anymore (he wrote it 4 months into our relationship- right after he told me he was falling for me and rright before he told me he didn't love me) but I carried on. Now we've been together for almost three years- he's still sweet (for the most part) on special occasions, but we still don't live together. I've tried to leave- but whenever I do- he suggest we just take a break (because we've been together for so long) and I do that- during which, I'm tortured wondering what he's doing and then we get together after a few weeks- where he says 'Why would I miss you? It's only been a few weeks' We get into arguements (mainly started by me- because I feel so torn and tend to take it out on him) everytime I decide this is it- I can't do it anymore, he does something nice and pulls me back in. He doesn't put thought into anything he does for me anymore. The sex- while still great- is down to about once or twice a month. He lets me get close- we have a great week, and then he pushes me away and blames me for his not eating healthy that week. I give him everything. I don't live with him, yet- we end up spending all of my free time at his place. I've spent hours and a lot of money on his place- decorating, organizing, painting (all stuff he's picked out- and I've ended up dooing- because I'm a painter/designer. He doesn't take me anywhere nice to eat anymore- because 1 he's gained weight and doesn't feel as comfy in dress clothes and 2. he spends too much money anyways (he does make 3x what I do- and I split buying food) I do his laundry, I clean his house, I cook, and I paint/design his place for free- or I end up paying- because it takes him forever to go buy paint, and I have a schedule. He doesn't ask for the cooking, cleaning, and laundry- but if I don't do it, it wont get done- and since I pretty much live here- I can't be around so much mess. I did get flowers on my birthday- the first time in almost two years (reminded that he got them for gfA monthly- even after they broke up) and after telling him I realy wanted them. But, I can't leave... I could leave- but I stay for the hope that all of the work and money and time and love I've put in- that someday he will go back to his old self- the man I fell in love with the one that treats me right- and looks at me in a way that makes my heart jump and kisses my fingers and gets flowers at the gass station- just because it's on his way and he wants to make me smile. I want that man- and I stay waiting with that hope- that he's still there somewhere and he'll come back to me and we'll spend the rest of our lives as a team. everytime I get ready to give up- I see a spark of him again and I get my hopes up, then he disapears and pushes away again and my heart breaks all over again. I know this isn't good for me or him. I just don't know what to do. PLEASE HELP!!!! BTW- he still has never said 'I love you' and has told me that if he ever feels it he will say it.
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a break, at work, broke up, ex-wife, fell in love, flowers, her ex, his ex, money, spark, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chloe71z +, writes (16 August 2008):
 Tell him how you feel and if he dont respond then give him an ultamadum. He will have to respond by the givin time frame taht u set and if he dont then tell him you are moving on. Thats it you you cant keep living that way you deserve to know how he feels about you.
Take Care and God Bless
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 August 2008):
 I have to agree with Smiles excellent advice. I hate to tell you this, but I don't think that devoting anymore time and energy and affection to this man will ever get him to say 'I love you.' If he doesn't love you after 3 years, he's never going to. All the laundry and decorating and meals aren't going to change that horrible awful truth.
The man who wooed you and told you all those amazing things? That man was a sham. You now have met the real man, and he isn't so pretty.
If you waste one more week or month of your life on him, that is a week or a month you will never get back, and a week or a month in which you could have met a guy who doesn't pretend he's something he's not. A week or a month that you could have behind you in the mourning process you're inevitably going to go through.
Think this through, if you can. You're waiting for the old magical man to appear, and all you get is 'I don't love you' and he doesn't even treat you well! So project forward one year, what's going to have changed? Nothing, because he doesn't have to change. You do all the work. He gets some sex from time to time, you even pay for his paint, and he earns more than you do? The stock tanks, and you sell it and take a loss, and learn something from the whole experience. That's where you are.
You have what you're going to have from him. Is it enough? Are you worth more? Do you deserve a more balanced relationship with a man who isn't living the lyrics from Meatloaf's song? The one that goes, 'I want you, I need you, but there ain't no way I'm ever going to love you. Now don't be sad, 'cause two out of three ain't bad.'
I know it's going to be tough, but you know that you are worth more than that, and that you don't need to play handmaiden to an overweight, selfish wimp. (Did I just write that? Hmmm. I'm not going to delete it.)
Be strong, end it, and ignore the empty gestures you know he'll make. I'll bet you can even predict what he will do to try to get you back. Hell, he's probably more concerned about having his house cleaned than what is best for your own psyche.
Sorry, I went off on a rant, but I think you don't need a sugarcoated answer here. You need a good girlfriend pull you aside and tell you that you're wasting your time with him. Consider DearCupid as that reality check.
All the best.
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A
female
reader, junebug +, writes (15 August 2008):
sorry its me again i wrote in all the other box.well any ways we just found out that the girl is now working with his mother.great!so i broke down.i just am so sick of this,ya know so he stright up told his mom not 2 talk 2 her and he is really trying now.i think bcuz now is a great way to gain my trust.by not going 2 her work and talking and things are going back 2 normal.it really great but i know how hard it is and how much u dont want 2 walk away but u feel so low and just hurts.u need 2 just really look at it and when i read it i wanted 2 tell u he seems like an ass and u can do so much better but thats means i should be telling myself that... : ( u can eaither stick with him and hopes he changes or leave him but when i stuck with my man i told him im giving u a month 2 show me u love me and want me in ur life bcuz u hurt me so much i will leave.and thank god he changed.well try and talk 2 him or just tell him how used u feel and how ur NOT going to deal with his unlovingness...if thats even a word. GL
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A
female
reader, junebug +, writes (15 August 2008):
i was in a somewhat smailer sitution.my boyfriend and i have been dating bout 3.2 years(y/m) and about last november i found notes he wrote to another girl(they are both going to same college) btw my b/f always was the nicest and charming even bought me flowers at gas stations too!(on his way)well the notes said how buetiaful she was and how they could be so happy 2gether..blah blah blah u know the rest.i never thought this would happen(it tear me apart 2 even talk about it)well i confronted him and he said he was just being stupi and regrets it.well our lease was up and we just moved into this apt about beginning of may and i went to take his car and i found a number on the floor.hers!so i called told her everything and he told me he had it for a while and wasnt gonna call .but he really has changed so fast the past couple months have been great im with him 24/7 so i know what he is doing and im beginning 2 trust him again.but im still crushed thinking about her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2008): Dear Poster
You might not like what I am going to suggest; but I am only trying to help you to the best of my knowledge from the information you posted;
However, I do have a feeling that you already know what you should do BUT are looking for confirmation;
Please forgive me it this sounds harsh; But in my opinion; you are being USED; this guy is taking advantage of you and he is getting away with it because you ALLOW him too;
You need to STOP being THERE for him; this is not a 2 way relationship;
STOP; take stock of the situation; "he does not love you"; sure it is convenient for him to have you around;
BUT
vow you do DESERVE better; I am sure there are lots of guys out there that will love you and value you; MOVE ON, find somebody that will love, respect and value you; somebody that you can have a proper relationship with;
You do not need to be used and you do not need to do all these things for him to try and "win" his love; NO, no, he will not love or respect you for that; you must learn to demand respect and by giving so much with nothing in return he is taking it all for granted.
Get out, and do learn from this experience; try not to make the same mistake in future; you are GIVING to much; keep a little distance and let him do the "work"; he must want you and love you not for what you can offer him but for who you are;
I suggest stop wasting anymore time; talk to this guy and tell him you want more from a relationship; if he cannot offer it; MOVE ON;
yeah, I know it is not going to be easy; you have invested a lot of time,effort and money;
BUT
don't waste anymore; this is a dead end; I cannot see any signs of a happy future;
HOWEVER
I do suggest you take stock of the mistakes made in this situation and learn from the experience;
Best wishes and lots of SMILES
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A
female
reader, Regina Souza  +, writes (15 August 2008):
As i read your faire tale, i came to the conclusion that you have WAISTED 3 years with someone that is taking you for GRANTED! He DOES NOT LOVE YOU, be sure... Move on and start a new life with someone that DESERVE YOU!!!! How a guy can spend 3 years with a girl as nice as you seemed to be and haven't said" I LOVE YOU??? Sorry, but i think he got someone....
GOOD LUCK
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