A
female
age
41-50,
*ainbowSerpent
writes:I feel like i want to die, i can't sleep, i can't eat. I regret my abortion now because i only did because i loved my boyfriend and he wasn't ready to be a dad, but it wanted it so much. Now he says he wants time apart, or to stop living together, we don't sleep in the same bed anymore. Sometimes its lovely and he's affectionate, but every time i upset him he says that he's a horrible person because he is treating me so bad by ignoring me, and that he can't relax during sex with me cos he is afraid of getting me pregnant, but surely he knows it would be the same risk with another girl? What does he mean by that?? He said with another woman, if he got her pregnant it would be ok, he says i don't meet his ideal type but his ideal type is totally unrealistic! I want him, i know i don't need him, but i want him because i love him, i'd do almost anything for him because his happiness is my happiness, but he is SO SELFISH. We had an argument and he went out with friends, i have no friends, i am so alone, miles from family, for him i came here. I threw up four times this afternoon i was anxious. I think i'm going mad, and i don't know how to survive this wekend. He goes home to his parents all the time but i don't have the money to do that so i'm alone, alone, alone. He says these things when he's upset but when things are good between us i can tell that he's really enjoying himself and its all natural. Or is he faking? He's a introvert sort of person and reveals little emotion. Why have i recovered and he hasn't? I don't understand. I feel so certain that our relationship is good. He's everything i want in a man. But he keeps hurting me. We have always had so much going for us, everyone has always said we were made for each other. We even survived this abortion trauma so why does he seem to think 'we're flogging a dead horse' when to me it seems things are better than ever. Clearly, they aren't ffor him. What can i do, a. to relieve my anxiety b. to convince him we can still have fun together? It makes me angry too that he would treat me this way. There is no quesiton of me dating anyone else, i just compare them to him. He hasn't said he wants to end it, he just says he has things he needs to work round, he doens't want me to change for him, he says he is the problem - very true, i always change for him.
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female
reader, lexilou +, writes (16 August 2008):
 Look you must have discussed the abortion and it sounds to me as though it was really against your wishes and you did it for him. Please get help and talk to someone about this as it wont get any easier. I truly think he is being an absolute prat towards you and maybe its time you realised you are flogging a dead horse (to quote him in relationship terms) and you should move on from this guy. He disrespects you and blames you for everything and he is denting your self-esteem and confidence. You are worth so much more than this man x
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (16 August 2008):
 Wow, you've had great advice from Diovan, Smiles and Emivia. I'm sorry about what you've been through with the abortion and how you've been treated by him.
I have to say that I think you're feeling sick because your body and your mind know what your heart does not. You're ill because of the disconnect between what you wish with your whole heart would be true, that he is a compassionate and caring man who loves and respects you, and what actually is the case, that he's an immature, selfish, inconsiderate, unfeeling boor. You want it to be a happy ending and that everything will work out. I'm so sorry to tell you that wishing won't make that dream come true.
Let's run his list against what you would like to happen.
He wants time apart - you want to marry him
You sleep apart - I expect you'd prefer to be with him
He's told you that you're not his ideal woman - you dismiss this by saying she doesn't exist
He goes off with his friends and family - you sit at home alone
He reveals little emotion - you want affection and to be treated well
He dismisses the abortion as a old issue - you're still mourning
He doesn't change at all - you do all the emotional work
Now tell me how your relationship is good? Where are the good bits?
It's reality check time. You're dating a man who isn't going to change and the only person you have to take it out on is yourself. The one who is treating you badly is YOU! You're putting up with all this and by staying in the relationship, you're giving him permission to treat you like dirt. Take back your control, take back your life, and start the road to healing yourself. He's not going to do it for you.
I do wish you good mental health and that you do what you need to do to take care of yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2008): I'm so sorry you're finding things so hard. Abortions are VERY hard to deal with, especially if you wanted the baby.
I totally agree with Diovan.
Is there anyway you could see a councillor about this?
I don't this is a good relationship for you to be in. You've tried so hard. You keep changing for him and put so much of your heart into this relationship that you have becoe ill. You both know HE is the problem, but he is unwilling or just can't change.
You need someone to be there for you at the moment, not someone who ignores and rejects you.
Can't you move back to your family. I'm sure you'll get lots more support and love there.
I know you want him, but just think about how he is making you feel now. You don't want to feel this way forever, do you?
You say he is everything you want in a man, but do you honestly want a man who ignores you, doesn't put in the effort required and makes you ill.
You gave up your baby for him... And what has he done for you in return? Nothing. He is not greatful and doesn't treat you the way he should. He has even said that he'd feel more comfortable sleeping with another woman than you... You shouldn't have to live with that. You are worth far more.
You should talk to your GP about how you are feeling and try and get out of this VERY negative situation.
You need to get because it is making you sick and driving you to the edge of your sanity.
Please get out for now and sort your own head out.
If thigs are going to work between you and your boyfriend then you need time appart, for him to realise that HE has to change and how to do it and for you to get better.
The longer you stay the sicker you will become and the harder it will be to break free of this turmoil.
The best of luck,
please keep us updated.
Emivia. x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2008): Dear Poster
You received brilliant advice from Diovan;
I have lots of empathy with you; your life and emotions are in turmoil right now; you have been dealing with a lot;
You need to take a break; you need some YOU time; time to find yourself and time to take stock of your relationship;
Do remember in life YOU have to be happy to make those around you happy; maybe you have been sacrificing too much of yourself to keep your boyfriend happy BUT you need to take care of yourself first;
He might also feel the strain and the pressure and that is probably why he needs "space” too;
I suggest you have a talk too him and the two of you give each other some time and "space" to heal and to work through things; don't be to "clingy" and to needy; that will only suffocate your relationship;
Yes, it is difficult, and vow, you have suffered and endured a lot; an abortion is not easy and you do need to give yourself time to come to terms with it; you need to mourn the loss to be able to move forward; do not suppress those feelings it is not healthy; if need be speak to a counselor to help you to deal with those feelings and to help you to get perspective with your relationship.
We are here for you;
Vow, my thoughts are with you; be strong, take good care of yourself; I am sending you lots of hugs and SMILES
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2008): Calm down babes, you sound very, very upset.
An abortion is not a little thing, not to you and not to him. Your in a bad situation, you've made him the centre of your world, but you should be the most important thing to you. This is a very unbalanced relationship, you change arround him, you've given up so much for him, even your baby. You are very dependant on this man, you need him too much. This is a lot of pressure to put on to anyone. You say that things are good, but your suffering from anxiety and you keep throwing up. He's not happy, he thinks the relationship is too hard. How can you have fun together, your anxious, angry, your alone and broke. This relationship dosen't sound fun to me, it sound unhealthy and destructive.
Do you have any friends, is there no one to talk to. Where are your family, what country do you originally come from. You need a break away from him, you need to spend time with your family and friends. Call your parents and tell them how you feel, ask if you can come home for a little while. You can't stay in this situation, as you said, it is driving you mad and making you sick. Contact your doctor and tell him just how you feel. You need to spend some time away from your boyfriend, there is just too much stress and pressure between you right now. Go home to your family or stay with a friend. This situation is dangerous for you and your mental health.
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A
female
reader, RainbowSerpent +, writes (15 August 2008):
RainbowSerpent is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsorry, i should say, he said in future he'd want kids with a woman who was well...from the description some kind of saint. And he said he'd feel more relaxed with another woman now, because he's never been with anyone but me.
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