A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I met a wonderful guy a few months ago and we hit it off immediately. He told me that I was everything he ever wanted in a relationship and I felt the same. He has a young son (3) with his ex girlfriend and I was introduced to him a couple weeks ago and fell in love with him too. The only problem was that after the first month of dating, he ended things and said that him and his ex were getting along really well and he had to try to make it work for his son's sake. As painful as that was, I accepted it and moved on. He came back a month later asking for me to take him back and try again. He apologized profusely and said they never got back together, they were only thinking about it but it didn't last because they just can't get along. I was so hesitant but ultimately fell for him again. Every second of our time together was wonderful and I know he felt the same way. Just as we were getting closer and he was opening up more, he messaged me and said that he wasn't ready for a full on commitment and just has too much going on in his life right now. I know he is having trouble at work and is just busy overall but I feel like there's something else that he's not telling me. He said that our connection was real and it's too real for him right now and he doesn't really know what he wants other than space, which is exactly what I'm giving him. I am not putting my life on hold for him in any way and told him that but secretly, I am hoping he will come back and be ready for a real relationship. Am I just wasting my time here or will he come back to me again?
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male
reader, N91  +, writes (23 August 2019):
 How can feelings be TOO real? That’s one of the most bizarre things I’ve ever heard. How can you like someone so much that you don’t want to be with them and need space when you’re both single? That makes no sense to me.
He 100% IS playing around with you, you might not want to taint this perfect picture you have in your head of him but he’s picking you and and putting you down when he feels like it and you’ll go running like a little lap dog. If he really cared he wouldn’t be doing this to you. Move on because this guy is a huge time waster and it will only get worse.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2019): Until you face this with a level-head, you WILL get played! You don't dump people twice, sweetheart! Unless they really don't mean that much to you. Don't delude yourself! He may not have set-out to hurt you...BUT HE DID! NUFF SAID!!!
Learn how to gauge your feelings and guard your heart. You're bound to be one of those women who let guys trample all over them; and still welcomes him back with open arms. Living a life of drama is weak-minded and self-destructive. See things for what they are! Women like I've described always make excuses for his bad-behavior!
When he's done with her, she's insecure, develops trust-issues, and doomed to either take him back; or she'll find another player like him, who'll finish what he started! A word to the wise is sufficient!!!
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (22 August 2019):
 See my previous response. It still stands.
Whether he intends to hurt you or not, he IS hurting you. His indecision about whether he wants to be with you is unlikely to one day magically turn into "happy ever after". It is much more likely to turn into "I have met someone I AM sure about so we are over".
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 August 2019):
 He might not have set out on purpose to hurt you,- but he surely was not very attentive to NOT hurt you, was he ?. He was not very considerate of your feleings, pride, wants and needs- he just did whatever felt good to him in the moment, and if it affects negatively the other person… "oh well .°Shrug°.Too bad."
As for running away because he felt too much too soon… I don't know, OP, but this is a reaction that so far I have always only found in bad chick-lit, Harlequin novels or the like, never ever once in real life. Those who feel strongly are HAPPY to stay. Often against all kind of obstacles.
Giving you back all your stuff is a final move in terms of your relationship: he is telling how he stands toward you : firmly uncommited and unavailable long term. As for wanting some occasional… tea and sympathy, that's another story, and I think it's likely he may come back to ask you some at some point...
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 August 2019):
 He might not WANT to hurt you but seriously, OP does it seem like he truly CARES of he does hurt you?
Someone who can DUMP you for an ex that he KNOWS isn't a good partner or match to him, is not really thinking straight. NOR does he know what he wants.
It will be either a "revolving door" kind of relationship or YOU deciding that no, YOU deserve someone who KNOWS he WANTS to be with YOU. Just you.
I think he is still looking at his options out there and you are a "ms. right now" not the Mrs. Right. And you DO deserve more than that.
But this is your life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your input. The thing is I really don't think he's a player or wants to hurt me. I think he legitimately doesn't know what he wants and maybe didn't expect to have intense feelings for me this early. I kind of blew up at him when he was being distant and said that I wanted all my belongings back that were at his house. He apologized and said he was going through a lot with work and just wanted to be alone for a while and we worked it out. Then out of nowhere, he said he wasn't ready for everything and dropped off my things at my place and that made me think that we were done for good. Everyone keeps telling me that he will come back but giving me my things made everything seem so final..
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2019): Typo correction:
"I know what I'm talking about!"
P.S.
"Am I just wasting my time here or will he come back to me again?"
Oh, he'll come back alright! You're easy prey.
He can conveniently bounce back and forth between you and his ex. You're so smitten and love-sick, he doesn't think you're very smart. Thus he dumped you twice. Please don't prove him to be correct about that!
You're mature enough to know a player when you see one. The sad thing is, many women do and don't care.
The whole matter is centered around baby-mama drama. You're so lost in la la land you can't see straight. He apparently has a hypnotic-penis!
Wake-up! Snap-out-of-it!!!
Didn't your mother ever tell you not to glue your broken-heart back together, and turn-around and give it right-back to the guy who slammed it up against the wall? TWICE!!!
Girlfriend...it's your heart, not a rubber racquetball! It's breakable!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2019): It's my opinion that he's keeping you around for backup-sex. He's trying to appease his ex; while also keeping you on the side-lines.
Girlfriend, it seems you are the victim of a "serial-dumper."
He's probably in an on-again/off-again relationship-cycle with his ex. He probably snuggles-up to her to see his son; or when he's running behind on child-support. I venture to speculate that she applies pressure when it seems he's spending too much of his time with you. He and his ex are undergoing another cycle- change; and you got tangled or caught in the gears.
Sweetheart, he's kicking your heart around way too casually. It was terrible for me getting dumped just once...but twice???? Oh, HELL NO!!!
It's beneath your dignity to go crawling back to someone who could dump you twice; and have the unmitigated-gall to comeback and feed you a bunch of sweet-talk and nonsense you'd read on a Valentine's card. You're smarter than that, but he knows how to push the right buttons.
You've got to go cold-turkey; until this one is purged out of your system. You've got to fight the fever and cough him up!
Delete his number! Block him from your phone and social media accounts; and shut yourself off from his contact completely. Change your phone number if you must! Move, if you're too weak to resist!
He's pulling a game on you, and playing you against yourself. I don't mean this as an insult; but I think you're a sucker for sweet-talk, and you have your head in the clouds for romance. You're too old for that, my dear.
Forgive me. This is tough-love. When a woman has a man stuck in her heart, you can teach, preach, and lecture until the cows come home! It goes in one ear, and out the other! I don't sugarcoat advice to people trying to break-free from a romantic-attachment. I've been there, and I've done that. I'm know what I'm talking about! He's sweet, lovable, and intoxicating! It's a well-rehearsed act. He's got you figured-out! He knows what makes you tick! I'm a guy, I have the inside-advantage!
You've got to be 100% adult and level-headed. Don't let the penis intoxicate you out of your common-sense! I don't mean to be crude, but I have to be straight with you!
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (17 August 2019):
Will he come back to you ?... I had to dust off my crystal ball for this , and it said : oh yes. He will. Many times, if you let him. But that's not good news, you know ? Not at all. He will come back, but not to stay and not to commit. Look, you know it already : the guy likes you- to a point. Not to the point of actually wanting to mantain and nurture a real relationship with you, one that requires effort and monogamy. He does not know what he wants… in other words, whatever he wants , it's NOT being with you in a serious relationship ( if he wanted that, he would know it, you can bet on it ). OTH, being footloose and fancyfree might get lonely and boring and lackluster , at intervals, and those will be the time that he'll miss the " GFE " ( girlfriend experience) and will come back to you for his little fix of closeness and intimacy. After which, in a little while, he will take off again; rinse and repeat.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (17 August 2019):
I have to say that I agree fully with Youcannotbeserious’s belief that he will keep coming back and dropping you over and over. I also agree with the other responses that it was way too soon to have introduced you to his son.
This guy has got a lot of unresolved issues, and whether he has feelings for you or not, he isn’t ready or emotionally available for a relationship. Whether that’s because he still has feelings for his ex or not doesn’t matter, because either way he’s not over it. If he were really thinking clearly about this and prepared to take your needs seriously as his partner, he would realise how horrible it is to be picked up and dropped whenever it suits him. He’d either walk away, or he’d shape up and be a proper boyfriend.
Unfortunately, I don’t see anything other than more trouble and hurt ahead for you. Time to give up on those secret hopes that he’ll come back and all will be wonderful, and get on with your life. He’s treated you very badly twice and this is only the start – those early months when everything is supposed to be marvellous. Don’t take him back.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (17 August 2019):
I suspect he probably WILL come back to you - time and time again, after dropping you time and time again. If he is not sure it is YOU he wants, then you need to move on. You know you deserve someone who IS sure. He may be fabulous in all other ways but he is still not for you if he cannot make up his mind whether he wants to be with you.
In your shoes I would walk away and cut all contact with him. I am not sure YOU will do that as you don't sound ready to give up on him. Each time he dumps you and asks for "space", remember you are actually ALLOWING him to treat you this way. If he is not sure he wants to be in a relationship with someone else, then he should not be dating.
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female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (17 August 2019):
 This guy has been really unfair to you and his son for that matter. Introducing you to each other so early on in the piece is really irresponsible as a parent especially when his head is all over the place. From what you post you sound very much like his plan B. His unresolved issues with his ex will more than likely continue when he is of the opinion that he was/is willing to stay together for the sake of the child. The child is always going to be there, so there is the threat also. Another judgement of his character is not having the balls or decency to speak to you in person, instead he chooses a cowardly message. For Pete sake- man up! Your decision not to put your life on hold is a wise one. He may be sweet but he's defiantly a bit of a flake too. There is just not enough time or space between his old relationship and responsibilities for anything new. Take his words seriously that he cant commit . There is far too much uncertainty for you waste your emotions on this one.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 August 2019):
He is wasting your time.
Someone who will DROP you at the tip of a hat for an EX he didn't get along with (regardless of the "for the kid" excuse) will drop you AS SOON AS he sees someone "better".
You don't DATE someone to get "space from them.
Wish him well and BLOCK him.
Also.. it's WAY to soon to involve his kid and getting to know you. WAY too soon. It's honestly messed up when people do that to their kids. A 3 year old can't understand this ping pong and someone who is Daddy's GF one day but not the next and then maybe she is the GF again a month or so later.... Even adults don't get it.
THERE is something he is not telling you. What that is, is hard to guess.
He SEES you as a "viable" option but more of a "if I can't better" (not that you aren't good enough but the guy is not sure WHAT he wants, all he knows is that ALL he had to do to "get you back" was tell you he was sorry.)
YOU give him ALL the power in these little "games" of his.
It's ONLY been a few months and he has already dumped you ONCE.
Don't make that twice.
Just wish him well and move on.
IF you can find ONE guy you feel has decent qualities, you CAN find another. Don't get stuck on THIS one guy.
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