A
male
age
36-40,
*ian
writes:Backgrounder:My ex boyfriend and I had been together since my birthday three years ago. We met at my b-day party, and hit it off really quickly. Before that point, we did not know each other.My ex moved in about a week later after that party, and we lived together for the next three years as a couple. In that time, I grew to feel so deeply connected to him, and in that, I began to believe that he could be "the one". He also became my best friend.About a week after my birthday this year, we broke up. When discussing why, there was no clear reason as to why my ex decided to end things. He just packed up what he could and moved (very far away), without even giving me as much as a proper goodbye. I got a hug at the airport.I cried the whole way there, while driving him, and with the 48 hours prior to his departure, I showed my ex every reason to stay. He still left. Once he got to his destination, it was about a week later, he was hooking up with someone else. This was a mutual friend.Upon confronting my ex about this, there were many heavy feelings and broken hearts, but my ex finally said he would stop. All the while, our relationship continued to exist, despite calling ourselves single. My heart stayed on the line, and my ex fell back in love with me.He pointed out a while ago, that the other sex was just him using our mutual friend, and when comparing how he felt for me, I was a very deep love for him too.(Epiphany?)Well anyway, March began, things weren't as bad... I still struggled with being lonely, and was unable to move on. So I began talking with my ex about possibly coming back.At this point, he was desperate for any form of work (part of why he left), and any form of money to start paying down his debt. (roughly $10K - partly why he left)Over the course of this month up until last week, all the rough bits of our relationship had been greyed out, and we genuinely felt it could work again. We even had sex on webcam a few times. I convinced him there were better job prospects back here, and that running from his problems wouldn't help him. He agreed. Out of mutual agreement, I then bought him a airline ticket to return back to where I am. His rent was due on the 1st, and he had no way to pay it. (Still unemployed)Ticket is for this coming Tuesday.Then, two days ago, he got a phone call from a company looking to interview him as a potential hiring candidate. This was with a ... lets say law office. (protecting his privacy)He doesnt have the education or credentials to work in this "law office" - but they would be willing to train him. It was also his dream job in part.Now that he has the potential for work, he has called into question, why he would come back.I said, there is more than me - you also are starting University out here in the fall.His job interview is this Friday.---Problem:I don't know if he is coming back here now. I know that we both share a deeper love than we have both ever had, and that the past is something we can both look beyond, in order to make things work.He tells me that "everything will work out in the end" and also tells me "that I hold a dear and special place in his heart".But, does that mean he wont come back on Tuesday? ... or ever? I dont know. Both of those statements are so vague I cant figure it out. The advice I want - asides being yelled at for my impatience, is...- He is both my best friend, and my true love (in my mind). Is that worth fighting for? - Based on your feelings, do you think he will return to me, or stay? (debt vs love?)- How much a fool am I? (am I a naive romantic thats just being used?)- How many more times should I take being hurt by him?etc.And, as one more thing I wish to note, I don't have much of a say in this situation, as the control really is in his hands. This too is a struggle on its own. I want to know if I should just leave him alone until he talks to me, or if I should try talking to him more. I already have been told to just let him think and to leave it be. (He takes a while to process)He plans on making his intentions clear on the weekend.And.. lastly, how does one deal with loneliness?- My friends (closest) have all over the last while moved out of town, and many others are now getting engaged, and I feel like I'm missing the boat. It also reminds me of my pain, and I often fight to hold back tears. I also seem to be up all night, and cant sleep. Help!
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best friend, broke up, debt, engaged, money, move on, moved in, moved out, my ex, university Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2009): Ive just been through something similar (though not quite intense) me and my ex were together for 3years, hes my best friend and love of my life, he were going to move in together and he broke up with him. he cited that he needed to sort himself out first (as he had no job, no real place to live) before he could commit to us. i said id wait, i couldnt get over him, i was exactly the same as you. he texts me and i saw him a couple of times since, he told me he loved me last week and promised he'd come back THEN yesterday... i got vile messages from his ex and found out that theyd secretly been meeting, he still loved her aswell as me and was thinking of getting back together with her.honestly, my world fell apart and ive never cried so much but i believe, if someone cant love you the same way you love them or enough to do something that would stop you from feeling that way then they arent the one.i always tell my friends its a lot easier to say then to do but you need to be strong and either take a stand to make him treat you the way you deserve or walk away. as painful as it is. i ahve boxed up the last 3.5years of my life and desperatly cant let him go but deep down i know i deserve something better.hope this helps. good luck and at the end of the day you can only do what you feel is right but i always think if you go down my route and justify the awful things hes done, its not a healthy situation.
A
male
reader, cian +, writes (26 March 2009):
cian is verified as being by the original poster of the question Ok. Here's another attempt to help readers make sense of my relationship...
A) My ex and I shared a love with each other, that was long lasting and reciprocal. It still is there. However, he recently left his job (that he was working throughout our relationship) when we were forced to move (recession). This caused his debt to pile up, and then for him to eventually want to make a go of things somewhere else. I couldn't follow, because I'm stuck here for school.
HE WAS NOT USING ME FOR MONEY.
B) Once my ex left, he got lonely himself, and had some sex with a mutual friend. I became jealous and angry, but thats old news. He chose to end this fling because he didn't want to hurt me anymore, and chose to love me.
HE HASN'T SLEPT AROUND SINCE.
C) The issue was, he just got a job offer. Up until this point, he was willing to come back, because he would have better chances at finding a job out here, could rekindle our relationship, and pay off his debt. He would have treated this separation as a vacation, and start fresh.
However, now that there is a chance of a job out there for him, (its taken a month for him to even hear back from one place, he is having difficulty making up his mind about coming back, as he really hates where I live.
Thus, because I'm stuck, he's hurting me in the process.
IT COULD BE HIS DREAM JOB.
D) He is torn as much as I am.
HE STILL WANTS A RELATIONSHIP.
I don't see how this is a codependency issue. I can understand I am perhaps naive, but I have good reason to believe he is coming back, eventually.
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A
male
reader, cian +, writes (26 March 2009):
cian is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think you misread what I posted.
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A
male
reader, Ginoman  +, writes (26 March 2009):
 You know, you answered your own question several times in your posting.
To start, you said he moved in with you a week after you met.
Then you said that he stayed with you until he couldn't find work, and then moved far away from you, but apparently a whole lot closer to some other woman he was banging a week later.
After he couldn't pay his bills- wherever he moved to, he decided to move back with you, until he got a possible job offer.
You asked if you were a naive romantic that's just being used... yup, sorry; and, all his "I love you's" are just to keep you strung along.
The issue isn't your ex, because people will only use you if you let them.
The real issue is that you're lonely, and have a codependency problem.
Nobody likes being rejected, but I'm sure you'll find someone who appreciates all that you give in a relationship, and reciprocates it back.
That's probably something you're not used to.
Good luck.
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