A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife had a male best friend prior to our marriage. While dating, she had me meet her at her work in order to actually meet him. As an introduction, she stated, "I'd like you to meet AA, he's my life." This upset me some, as we were planning on marriage, and I took myself to be her "life". Needless to say, my interest in getting to know AA was over. Just after our marriage, he began calling her, talking. When a former high school friend (female) called me, she got angry and didn't want her to call any more. I said that if she couldn't call, then I wasn't happy with AA calling. This created an argument that almost ended our marriage. Since then, every 2-3 years, she talks about AA, wanting to make contact with him again. This usually leads to more arguments. Now, again he is back into our lives. I have found out that they have been emailing each other and chatting on her my space account. He has even gotten bold enough to call again, though only when I'm not home. He only lives about 30 miles from me. She has also been talking online and via phone to another male friend who used to be my close friend until he began telling my wife that he could be better to her, and she even seperated from me because of that for three days. I have nothing to do with him, but apparently she still does. I work with a female at my job, though we only talk at work, and never away. We are co-workers only. I can't help that a female works there, but every so often, my wife tells me that she doesn't trust this female that works with me, and always asks if I'm cheating on her. It really has nothing to do with this particular female, she does this everywhere I work if there is a female employee. My wife knows my work hours, and there is never a time that I'm late, or leave early. I don't talk to anyone on the phone, so there is no foundation for me to be cheating, not that I would. Even the fact that the female I currently work with is a lesbian doesn't relieve the issue. She is on me all the time, but I am not supposed to say anything about her male friends who actually have almost cost us our relationship. What advice can I get?
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (26 March 2009):
 I changed my mind. I still agree with Kelly in the sense that she needs to choose, but I don't think this can be summarized as her needing male attention.
AA may be just a friend, or not. We don't know. The poster needs to know, because, if he's more than a friend, then his wife is cheating on him. In any case, the fact that the communication with him was kept secret is not a good sign. If he's just a friend, well, let's meet with him in the open air, when everyone's looking. Let's not make a secret of that because there is no reason to. Friends are friends.
She tests the waters every three years to make the poster agree to see AA openly. She knows the poster gets angry, and still she insists.
She has another male friend who she also keeps away from the husband's sight. I don't know the poster, and I don't know the other man, but, if the other man said he's better than the poster, the wife would need to stay away from him. Because she knows what he wants from her, and, if she loves the husband, knows what she has to do. Stay away from that other man.
The thing with the lesbian co-worker seems like a cheap trick. "YOU make me jealous with that woman. I, on the other hand, don't give you a reason to pester me".
I think I would say something like "Hey, stop this. You pester me about a lesbian coworker, who, by definition, stays away from men and I am forced to see, and you don't want me to complain about men you don't HAVE to see and who have shown interest in you. What gives? You're aware it bothers me and I'm your husband. What are you going to do?"
A
male
reader, thereIgothinking +, writes (26 March 2009):
I can't believe you married her after she said another man was her life! To say that was hurtful and a test to see what she could get away with.I think the thing to know about AA is if they ever were intimate. If they never did, then he is truly a friend and she wants it to stay that way. Its very uncommon for a woman to stay friends with a man after they've been imtimate. They screw them and never have contact after its over because they don't want to be reminded of a romance that failed. AA may be a true friend that she never wants to screw. If thats the case, you need to get over it. If you're accusing her of infidelity when she's not, she'll be constantly pissed at you. And maybe want to get back at you -- why not have sex if she's just going to be blamed for it? Let her be, and you be the biggest man you can be.If they have been intimate, that's a problem. Get to know AA -- keep you enemies close.If she is cheating, she may have a guilty conscience and suspicious of you and your female coworkers. She's doing it, so you must be too. You guys need to talk -- ALOT. No accusations and just explanations should be the rule. Ask her questions about how she feels about all this-- women love that. Ultimatums are not the plan -- don't decide on anything. Find out where she is and give her the benefit of the doubt, and live your life. Care less about everything she is doing, and more about being the best dude you can be. Only then will she come around.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (26 March 2009):
I agree with Kelly.
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A
female
reader, kellyxxx  +, writes (26 March 2009):
 Ultimatums are the only way to go! Tell her that she needs to make a choice! You or aa!!! And I don't like my boyfriend working with females either so I understand where your wife is coming from, she may be insecure like me so she needs lots of compliments, and reassurance!x
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