A
female
age
41-50,
*iding_in_plain_sight
writes:Hello all, I am going through some changes with a man and was hoping to get some good advice. I don’t know if I should be concerned or what??? I met him at work. We don’t work in the same department but our departments cross every now and then. In the past we spoke casually, no flirting involved…at least not on my part. One day I was returning to work after picking up lunch. Apparently he saw me when he drove by and decided to send me an email. He didn’t write anything inappropriate but I knew right away he had to have an angle. 9 times out of 10 men don’t just want to be friends…come on. I’ve always had male friends and even if they wanted more, I won’t allow it to cross the line. So I didn’t see any harm with him and me becoming friends. After so many “getting to know you” Q and A emails, we exchanged phone numbers. We texted each other quite often, no sexting! We started meeting for lunch a couple of times a week and it was great. He’s a great guy, funny, intelligent, sweet, etc. He’s a very likeable man. We’ll call him Gary. Gary is 17 years older than me and I admired his experiences in life. Now comes the boom. Gary starts telling me I’m the prettiest woman he’s ever seen, he loves how I take care of myself, he’s never met anybody like me, and he thinks about me all the time. I knew I should have nipped it in the bud but I was flattered and since I am a people pleaser, it’s sometimes hard for me to be stern. Nevertheless, I reciprocated the compliments but not in a romantic way. Things like you’re so and you have a great personality. Here is the complicated part, we are both married. I have been with my husband for 18 years and I’ve NEVER cheated on my husband. Through the duration of my new friendship I found out my husband cheated on me and I was gutted. I didn’t tell Gary because I knew how he felt about me and didn’t need to have him take advantage of it. One day against my better judgment I recently agreed for us to go on a date at the park, we had some drinks afterwards and we ended up kissing in his car. I can’t blame the drinks or being vulnerable because of my cheating husband because I am a grown woman who takes ownership of her actions. I effed up! I also allowed matters to get worse because since that day we started kissing after every lunch date. I really did like him. BUT Gary starts becoming weird (clingy and needy). He starts asking me if I love him. Ummm not only have we’ve become friends for 4 months but we are both married. Anywho, he tells me he loves me and never loved any woman like he loves me…come again? How about your wife? He sends me about 30 text messages per day professing his love for me, how perfect and beautiful I am, and he needs me. As soon as I arrive at work he’s asking me to sneak out to meet him around the corner for a hug and kiss. He wants to see me every day for lunch and when I do see him, it’s like he doesn’t want to let me go. Every day by 3:00pm he’s asking me again to sneak out for a hug and kiss. Our conversation has become only about me and how I make him feel. He’s asked me to marry him and if I think about him when I have sex with my husband because he does when he’s with his wife. When I don’t reply within minutes to his text, he ALWAYS sends me a “U ok??” message followed by yet another “I’m madly in love with you” or “we are going to be together forever”. One time I didn’t reply after 3 messages and he called my job! He sends me videos of him telling me loves me, emails me poems in the middle of the night and constantly asks for me to tell him I love him. I would send a good morning text and he would send back “GM anything sweet and loving you want to tell me?” He keeps asking me to send him sexy pics (I’m not into that even if circumstances were different). He tells me “I need to hear you’re thinking about me”. Let’s be clear…I’ve never had sex with Gary! Yes we’ve kissed and that’s as far as it went. He’s begging me to take the day off so we could be together and how he’s going to make love to me like no man has ever did to me. He also thinks I love him more than I’ve loved anyone. I want to work on my marriage and don’t want to “be” with Gary. I’m hesitant in telling him how I feel. He became some needy creepy guy. How could one act this way in such a short amount of time and without sex? Should I be afraid? What happened to Gary? Has he gone mad? Or was he already crazy?
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (18 October 2013):
 Gary is CRAZY. There's no two ways about it. He probably always was but was just able to mask it for long enough but he's stark, raving bonkers and you need to get out of whatever it is that you have with him.
Tell him that you are both married and this has to stop. You want to work on your marriage and you cant go any further with him.
Also, this is now beyond just your capacity of dealing with him so you need to get others involved. Inform people in your office, lodge a complaint against him, tell him that if he proceeds to try and contact and harass you any more, you will go to the police because you have enough proof with you. Save all his chats and emails because every single thing adds up.
Stop texting him, stop replying to his mails, stop responding to him. Do his wife and your husband know about all this? Both people should, because your husband can deal with him in whichever way he thinks is appropriate and his wife should know of the nonsense that he's up to. Get the families involved, don't try to do this alone.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 October 2013):
 I would be afraid of Gary and I would go TOMORROW to Human Resources and show them the stalking he's done.
I would be afraid of Gary and if he sent a text again on my phone, I would reply "I don't know who the F*CK you are but I am telling you to leave my wife the F*CK alone you freaking weirdo. If she gets one more text or call from you we are calling the police."
I would be afraid enough of Gary to woman up, put on the big girl panties and TELL MY HUSBAND what the hell is going on.
This has gone beyond your capability of controlling it and it's time to GET HELP.
I would be saving every single message in case I needed to give that information to the police.
You're asking the wrong question here. The question is "how do I get Gary to go away and not become a psycho freak as seems to be heading that way?" The answer to that is: TELL PEOPLE, staring with your husband, then going on to Human Resources and then be sure to include law enforcement.
Don't be afraid, take action and DEAL with it!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 October 2013):
 Will he stalk you? I wouldn't be surprised, the dude has lost his marbles for sure. Or like llifton said, maybe he was always a nutter.
He is obsessed. With you. And this isn't healthy in any way shape or form. YOU need to put an end to this, tell him it has gone too far and it makes you feel uncomfortable and worried. That you WILL NO LONGER take his calls, read his text or e-mails. That he will NOT call your place of work - it's over.
No more having lunch or chats with him. If he starts showing up at work you need to involve HR or you boss. AND the police if you see any sign of him stalking you.
You husband needs to be told. Even if he cheated on you, he needs to know that this dude is obsessed and that YOU let it get this far by indulging him in his delusion. I know hindsight is always perfect, but you really should have nipped this in the bud LONG LONG time ago. - There is, however, no time like the present.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2013): Lust and how it turns our brains to mush ..First thing you need to calmly start backing away from this guy .. If you want to make things work with your husband now is the time to have a serious chat with your hubby, you are going to 1. First figure out whether your husband wants to continue with your marriage.. ( let's say he does )2. Your going to have yo tell him how you felt about his cheating ( it is not an excuse for your behaviour )But I may add for every action there is a reaction 3. You are going to need your husbands understanding and support as you try and pull away from this guy.This is not going to be easy, but at least you have learned hopefully from this situation .. And never to let someone cross the boundary line unless you too have feelings for meTell the guy in text after you have had your heart to heart with your husband that you nolonger feel he should be sending you romantic messages, you are sorry that you have lead him on a bit .. But you were looking for comfort as your marriage had hit a rocky patch . However since you have been married 18 years you feel you should at least work on your marriage .. That everything now sent in emails only should be regarding work ..Change your mobile number if you have to but stop contacting himNo face to face .. And make sure if he 'creepy'that someone walks with you to your car and don't be alone with him. I hope this helps x
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (17 October 2013):
 yeah gary has definitely gone crazy. odds are he was probably crazy long before you ever came around, but there is the off chance that you are just that incredible of a woman and just made him like this. lol.
either way, his behavior is ridiculous. calling your job because you don't answer texts right away? persistantly trying to get you to tell him you love him and constantly nagging you about it? what a weirdo. sounds like gary has gone off the deep end. or been treading water there for a long time, well before you knew him. because healthy adults don't behave like that and certainly don't just start out of nowhere well into their forties. he's probably got a bad track record with all of his ex's or women he's come into contact with of behaving like a psycho. if you knew anyone who has ever dated him or known him, you could ask and find out.
anyway, you need to cut this guy out of your life somehow. you say you want to work on your marriage. good for you. so gary's definitely gotta go. the problem is if you tell him you're wanting to fix your marriage, he will probably go even further off the deep end and stalk you, like you are afraid of. and he could easily tell your husband. perhaps you should tell your husband?
anyway, you've got to tell him one way or another that you can't see him anymore. and if he starts acting crazy (crazier), you can always get the police involved. and if your husband already knows, he can't hold that over your head.
good luck.
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