A
female
age
41-50,
*abyblueeyes
writes:I'm at the end of my tether guys!I see my boyfriend once a week and when we are together things are good. Thing is when we not I feel so lonely and miss him lots. We tried to get a mortgage together but can't for 4 years cos of ny financial problems. We have been together nearly 5 years and I have expressed I need more from him. He is still married even though his wife is now gay and with her girlfriend. He has bot expressed a desire to get divorced. I have said I would like him to get divorced. Thing is, when his wife asks him to do anything he drops everything and does as she says. They have a 13 year old daughter who he idolizes and sees every other day and says everything he does is for her. I also love his daughter but I know his wife ia taking advantage of him. I just want some commitment. Am I asking too much after 5 years?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (16 November 2013):
 You can't expect him to be a mind reader.
I'm sure you have told him what you want, but if you wanted for CLOSURE one last time to spell it out for him:
you need to BE divorced and then and ONLY then will I come back.
then you go about your life till he comes to you with final divorce decree in hand.
A
female
reader, babyblueeyes +, writes (16 November 2013):
babyblueeyes is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate guys. He got in touch by text to say he loves and misses me. I have explained I can't go back to the way things were and I need more commitment. He keeps asking what exactly I want but I shouldn't have to spell it out x
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 November 2013):
 Have a good cry, snuggle down and just wallow for a day or two or three. Then, get up, make yourself a nice breakfast with tea (or coffee, I'm partial to coffee) and… get on with your life, one day at a time. You'll be fine. In fact, you may be better than fine, you may just have had to experience this breakup in order to start your new brighter, happier and more fulfilling life from here on out.
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female
reader, babyblueeyes +, writes (14 November 2013):
babyblueeyes is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys. Youvhave been really helpful and I keep referring back to your advice. I feel so sad tonight. I've come to bed for a good cry. Part of me wants him to miss me and contact me soon but I wouldn't know what to say if he did........
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 November 2013):
Nope do not get in touch... you told him how you feel. you've told him you want a commitment... it's on him now. And how long should you wait? You were done yesterday with the waiting... now we start the 6 weeks of grieving... time to mourn your loss and move on....
IT hurts I know and I'm sorry. Have you read that great book Tisha suggested?
I swear by "A Fine Romance" one of my favs.
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female
reader, babyblueeyes +, writes (13 November 2013):
babyblueeyes is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys. Just an update. It's been 4 days since I text him to.say he needs to thinks about if he really wants to commit because I dont like the way I am behaving around him and this is ruining our relationship. Have I heard from him? NO! Not one call or text. I'm trying to be strong. I want him to miss me and to.realise he wants to.spend the rest of his life with me but I guess time will tell. Hoe.long do I give it before I get in touch? Do I get in touch?
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female
reader, babyblueeyes +, writes (11 November 2013):
babyblueeyes is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Tisha-1. I have ordered the book. I have deleted his number to give him space. I know he should be showing more commitment after all this time but he doesn't deserve my nagging every time I see him. I don't like the person I have become because of my frustration. Thanks x
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 November 2013):
Go get a copy of this book ASAP: A Fine Romance, Judith Sills, PhD.
For now, lay off the demands and clinginess and immerse yourself in learning about courtship and how yours is playing out.
You have made your expectations abundantly clear, now back off the guy and see if he is in fact going to be able to give you the commitment you want. I doubt he is, if he hasn't managed to finalize a divorce in over 5 years.
Read that book cover to cover, it'll help you understand where you are and where he is and if the two of you will be able to come together.
I personally doubt it, but that's my opinion based on the 5 years of absence of divorce proceedings. Actions speaking louder than words indicate he intends to stay married, for whatever reason.
Stop mentioning it at all, read that book and get out and stay busy, do not be available 24/7 for him.
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female
reader, babyblueeyes +, writes (10 November 2013):
babyblueeyes is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys. Thanks for all your advice. I understand what you are saying. I love my boyfriend so much but am starting to get really argumentative when I see him because I am frustrated with situation. O am always going on about it to him and he is reluctant to talk. He says he was willing to sell his home and all move into a house together so he has tried. I'm getting bitter because of the situation and its not healthy. I think he is on the verge of ending the relationship because of my behaviour. We can't go one night without seeing each other without me wanting to talk about where we go from here. I want to see more of him, maybe get engaged.so at least we have that sense of committment. I don't know what I would do without him. Please help I'm turning into the girlfriend from hell!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2013): Is it asking a lot for a selfish person to give you a bit of what they have?
Your question has no answer because on the one hand it is very common for OTHER people to commit after 5 years in a relationship. But your bf is not like other people so you are asking a lot from him, from his perspective.
He is comfortable where he is now. He has a romantic relarionship with you. He also has his daughter that he loves spending lots of time with. This current arrangement is the only way he can keep both of these priorities. If he commits more to you he will have to give up some time with his daughter. Right now he has everything balanced to his satisfaction. So asking for his commitment IS asking a lot of him.
Then again many people do get divorced and work out new custody arrangements with the kids. So, since it is common for people in his situation to do this you can argue that you are not asking a lot of him.
In the end if someone doesn't want the same thing you want, then whatever you ask of them will be too much. But if they want the same thing you do, then it isn't asking a lot from them.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (19 October 2013):
 I think there are two things going on here -- at least reading between the lines of your post:
1) First off, your boyfriend is still married. I suspect that you would like to see that changed. That is something that your boyfriend can probably fix -- if he wanted to. You don't offer us many clues as to what the delay is. Perhaps he doesn't want to endure the financial ruin that comes with divorce or he doesn't officially want to cut the cord. This could be a deal breaker that you can in good faith urge that he fix - especially if marriage or a live-in situation is what you desire.
Also keep in mind that he could be delaying getting divorced because he doesn't want to get remarried... and this is his shield. He has the freedom to put you on "ice" and still get all the benefits of being a couple without the formal commitment (which is fine for some people and if that's what you want).
2) His wife may use and abuse him, but he does have a daughter with her. That often requires him to trying to please two masters -- you and her. I am sure on some level that he feels guilty about what has happened and is doing what it takes to soften the emotional blow to everyone involved. While you don't give us any details, his back may be against the wall in terms of who he pleases, and who he doesn't. There is a fine line to being obsequious and being a dutiful father. Only you can answer what side he has taken.
Finally, I think *you* need to ask yourself what you want out of a relationship: marriage? 100% commitment? A live-in situation? Make a list and ask if this man capable of giving it to you. Failure to take stock of your current situation and what is likely to be in the near future will result in another 5 years not getting what you want -- and the one who will be cheated is you.
Eddie
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 October 2013):
Nope, you are not asking too much! So why are you settling for so little?
Move on, move on.
And take steps to deal with your financial problems so they don't hold you back in the next relationship, which will be with a guy who isn't still married and only sees you once a week. Visualize your goals, take the steps you need to get there and then, go live your life!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2013): this sounds like a no win situation...i doubt hes ever gonna commit to you
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (17 October 2013):
 You need to find someone who can give you the level of commitment that you want, but you won't get it from this guy.
He's got everything the way he wants it so it's highly unlikely that he will want to change a thing.
He's still married with a dependant and you have financial problems...what sort of commitment do you want?
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