A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Will he be different with her?My husband and I divorced mainly because he was very emotionally/verbally abusive and he walked out. We have a child together-so I try to maintain a civil relationship with him because of that.He has a girlfriend, and it seems pretty serious. It doesn't bother me in terms of jealousy or anything, but it makes me upset/angry to think of him being wonderful to someone when he was awful to me.Is it really possible she won't suffer the same treatment and outcome that I did?
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female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (27 February 2014):
 Some people just are not right for one another and there is always a chance that the new woman will be a better match for him that you were BUT there is also a chance that the problem with any relationship he might have is his own attitude and not the compatibility with the spouse.
SOMEIIMES a failed relationship is all a person needs to get on the straight and narrow but often people do not stay changed for long
A
female
reader, Alba5  +, writes (26 February 2014):
Leopards rarely change their spots. I was with a guy for 7 years and he was turning into an alcholic, abusive cheater. I gained some self respect and left and completely turned my life to be better. He reeled one of his conquests in got engaged and had two kids. The poor girl contacted me recently maybe for advice but she kicked him out because he was an alcoholic, abusive cheater..... They never change because they don't take time to heal themselves they use one woman after the other as an emotional crutch.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2014): I was insanely jealous when the father of my daughter met his new wife. Jealous that she could make him happy and he treated her so well. Fast forward five years and she contacted me asking if our girls could stay in touch. We met and talked. No he hadn't changed and yes he was still the grumpy short tempered verbally abusive partner he had always been.
So this taught me that he hadn't changed!!
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A
female
reader, dr.2.be +, writes (25 February 2014):
 Any person when entering a new relationship will show their very best side in the beginning. Then as time goes on the true colors often surface.
As the other aunts have said, I bet he was real sweet in the beginning of your relationship. He reeled you in then showed his dark side. Same thing is happening with this woman. He is in the process of reeling her in. With time he will most likey treat her similar to way he treated you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2014): You have surely had other relationships in your past. With each different person; either things were for better, or for worse. That isn't known really until you've actually rode out the duration of the relationship. It started out good in each case; then may have changed along the way. Ultimately ending in a breakup or separation.
Overtime you just forgot about them, and didn't care how they treated anyone else. What they do no longer matters. Your life goes on. In time, you will feel the same about your ex-husband. It is all just a matter of time.
I don't think it behooves anyone to wish their exes failure in their future relationships. He may have been terrible to you. We cannot overlook there are two-sides to every story.
This is your post; so you get to tell your side.
You should hope for the sake of your child; he has changed (or is changing)for the better.
That he is in a stable and successful relationship. That he has found someone who will bring out the best in him; and has given him reason to redeem himself as a man. That indirectly translates into him being a better father for your child; and the beast who once hurt you, is dead. You may not see it now; but you will be able to bear his presence without the hidden resentment.
You don't really want him to be better to her. You want her to see the monster you have known. Seriously, lets hope not.
You don't want a total A-hole co-parenting your child. So you should swerve to a more positive outlook in terms of the child and not yourself. You may want a good reason to cut him out of your life. Your child may not feel that way.
They don't divorce parents, parents divorce each other.
There is a hidden resentment for him moving on, and possibly a little hope that he will never find happiness; because of his past with you. That is expected of almost every divorced spouse. It's only natural. Especially if you parted ways under bad conditions.
You have to allow all your bad-blood with your child's father fade into the past. You divorced because neither of you were right for each other. You have a child which is the one good thing that has come between you. Children do sense any anger or hostility you may have. No matter how well you think you hide it.
Children learn not to expect their divorced parents to love each other like nothing ever happened; but as they get older, they will see a side of you that you may not intend for them to see. Hoping that their father doesn't find happiness with someone else makes you look bitter.
It doesn't reflect on you, if he didn't treat you the way he should have. You were a victim then. Not now. You did the right thing; and removed him from your life. You were kind not to let that include excluding him from his child's life.
That is a courageous and generous move on your part. In light of the fact, he was once your abuser.
If he's nicer to her than he was to you; that means he has changed for the better somehow. It is not being done in spite of you. Although, that is what you may think.
He didn't necessarily find anyone better; just different.
Things change, times change, and people change. Different personalities in your life, will make an impact on the person that you are. Both positively and negatively.
They are starting from a clean slate, and relating to each other in a totally different way. So the horrid things you experienced together, were based on incompatibility. I really don't feel comfortable to say he will show a bad side to her. Indirectly, that is mean-spirited wishful-thinking. Hoping for her harm or misfortune. She isn't guilty of anything. You taught him the consequences of his behavior.
He no longer gets to live full-time with his child, hopefully pays child-support, he had to split his assets, and he lost a woman who loved him. You are a free woman, no longer his victim. You slightly remain so; if you feel resentful he treats her better. Why shouldn't he?
I think he has lost a great deal in his life.
You should hope he would treat her better; because you wouldn't want your child growing up around a man who doesn't know how to treat women. Forgiving him may be hard, but it will make your life easier; and your future relationships better. It will mean you have completely moved on, and all that pain that he caused you is behind you. It will mean you have found your healing. That will be a good thing.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (25 February 2014):
 As upsetting as it may be to think of him being wonderful; remember we are all essentially nice in the beginning, which only after a time our true character is revealed. Meanwhile he is setting a net with this woman who may well be oblivious to his (slithering) charm.
It is also possible that some people bring out the best and worst in us… Yet after the honeymoon phase, the lure and attraction is over with his girlfriend it is possible he revert back to his former abusive self, especially when a situation comes up that triggers him.
Underneath the charm lays a dormant verbally abusive person, manipulating his prey, unless he’s taken counsel to change his behaviour. If I were his girlfriend I’d want to know your side of the story before getting seriously involved with someone like him.
Take Care – CAA
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 February 2014):
 WHAT DO YOU CARE?????? SHE is stuck with him, now....
Get on with your life,... and live it the very best you can...
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 February 2014):
 I agree with SVC - I BET he was real sweet when you two first started out too.
If abusive is part of his personality I don't really think it matters WHO he is with, it will come out one way or another.
However, they may be more compatible then you two were, and the abusive side of him might not come out.
There is no way of knowing.
Just wish them well, and be glad you aren't with him any more.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 February 2014):
 It's possible but I would not hold my breath.
Wasn't he wonderful to you in the beginning too?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 February 2014):
 Let's hope for your child's sake that he won't be abusive to his new girlfriend. It would be a very great pity for your child to learn it's okay to be abusive, don't you think?
Be thankful you are rid of the abusive relationship and do your very very best not to fall into cycle of blaming yourself then him then yourself for the abuse.
Did you ever get counseling? What a great gift that would be to yourself and your child, to work through this in a healthy and positive way, don't you think?
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (25 February 2014):
It's likely it'll be the same. But there are personalities that are more compatible with potentially abusive people.
Some women tolerate abuse because they're afraid. Other women will not put up with it, which may help the other person keep it in check.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2014): "Is it really possible she won't suffer the same treatment and outcome that I did?"
Possible but very, very unlikely.
He's a charming manipulator who right now is being "wonderful" to her in order to lure her in and break down her defenses before he begins to exert control over and become abusive towards her, the same pattern that undoubtedly occurred with you.
He's doing it to suit his needs, not hers. Be thankful you were able to get away from him and break the cycle of abuse.
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