A
female
age
30-35,
*eelsalonemom
writes:I've been a single mom since my daughter was 8 months old. My ex and I got along and then i found out that he cheated on ( he fooled around with a girl at a party) we decided that we would break up but We have been co parenting my daughter and staying in touch with each other for the last two years. He has dated several girls during this time, I have went on a few date about nothing serious. A few months ago my ex moved back to out home town and we have been spending a lot of time together and now I realize how much I missed him and missed us as couple. A few weeks ago he kissed me and we have been spending a lot more time together and talking about getting back together. I talked to a few of my friends and they think I'm crazy to even consider getting back with him. And they keep saying they don't understand why I forgave him so quickly. But I can honestly say I, not mad at him and never really was. We were young, had only ever dated each other. Yes I think he was wrong for what he did but I don't hate him because of it. And even after breaking up he has always put our daughter before everything else in his life. There was several times over the least two years even after we broke up that he dropped everything he was doing to be with me (my dad had a heart attack and he drove 5 hours of be at the hospital with me and my family). Am I wrong to give him a second chance? And I'm wrong for not holding our past over his head?
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female
reader, person12345  +, writes (25 February 2014):
 I don't think it's stupid to forgive a single indiscretion. Mistakes happen, especially since you're both young. This decision isn't up to your friends, it's between you and him. He doesn't sound like a serial cheater or a deceptive manipulator. Just like the other aunts said, take it slow, see what happens, and be diligent with birth control just in case it doesn't work out.
A
female
reader, Feelsalonemom +, writes (25 February 2014):
Feelsalonemom is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe talked about what he had son when it happened. He was drinking but not drunk and knew what he was doing and came home and told me right away. My friends think because he wasn't drunk that he will do it again. Like I mentioned before we were your, working, going to college and being parents while our friends were out carefree and partying. We started dating when I was 14 he was 15 and neither one of us had ever been on a date or kissed anyone besides each other. He was curious and made out with some one else,We both mutually agreed that even thought we loved each other we weren't sure if we were together because we were IN love or because that was all we knew. After moving back to town he said that with the other girls he dated he didn't have the connection with them that he had / has with me. He said that even though he had fun in the relationships he knew there was no future. He said that he realized he wanted to be with me when he was hanging out with friends and a girl he was dating and saw my Facebook statues saying I was having a bad day and felt lonely and he spent the night texting me to cheer me up and got up the next morning at 5am and drive 5hrs to make sure I was ok. I never thought about getting back with him until he brought it up because I didn't think it would ever happen . He was always dating someone and seemed happy. I don't want to rush things but I don't want to not give him a chance
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (25 February 2014):
Mistakes happen. It's not like he had a relationship and repeatedly chose to do something that would hurt you. People are also capable of learning from their mistakes and changing.
I do think it's important to address what happened... Why did he cheat? Was he bored, drunk, lonely, not satisfied, selfish, etc? If he was just drunk and made a mistake, that needs to be talked about because it could happen again. Some people lose all their inhibitions when they drink. So he may need to stop drinking so much or he may need to drink when you're present.
Maybe it was just curiosity and he could be fine from now on because he satisfied his curiosity.
But I think, other than addressing what might have caused the cheating, you should definitely not hold this over his head.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 February 2014):
 Ah the dreaded friends problem.
Well you have a couple of choices here... but let me tell you what my husband did...
when we first got together is was a very casual NSA/FWB type of thing. I'm a bit older than he is so when his then friend said "it's old and it's not that attractive, hit it and be done" he just laughed and moved on... since he wasn't serious about me it did not matter.
Then we got serious and he went to this friend and said 'SVC is now my life partner and as such I expect you to treat her with respect.'
The guy is civil to me when he sees me but he and my husband are no longer friendly.
I had friends who said "us or him" and I said "the person that makes me choose loses" I miss those friends but never make me choose.
What i suggest you do is tell your friends you know they care about you and love you but you are an adult and are making your own decision on this matter. you do not wish to hear them complaining or putting your partner down and you would like them to be kind to him. Let them know that if they can't manage to be nice to him and not say things to you it will strongly and negatively impact on your friendship.
NONE of my friends are happy about my being with my current spouse for VERY GOOD VERY CURRENT reasons. I have told them I know they love me but please respect my choice. They have.
be proactive about it... let the friends know it's your life and you appreciate their concern but you would rather not hear their negativity. Those that can't treat him with respect don't deserve to be your friends.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2014): OP, our friends have a right to form their own opinions. They should respect him; but do not have to like him. Just remember, they see things from a different perspective and were always there through your pain. When they see that he has changed and makes you happy, watch everyone fall inline.
Don't be so quick to try and convince them he's so good.
Let him prove it to them. He hasn't really proven it to you yet.
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A
female
reader, Feelsalonemom +, writes (25 February 2014):
Feelsalonemom is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo_very_confused, I agree so much with you! He was young and stupid, we had on,y ever dated each other and he kissed another girl, yes I was upset at the time but part of me understands it happened and why. And honestly I don't care that he did. Even with breaking up, moving out of town and acting other girls he still made sure that my daughter and I were happy so to me that shows that he has matured and cares about us.
I just don't want my friends to bring it up to him or treat him badly because of it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 February 2014):
Feelings are neither right or wrong. THEY Just ARE.
I think folks can change. and I think that young partners who cheat (a kiss) really are to some degree just young and foolish.
Time has passed both of you are more mature.
I would TREAT IT LIKE A TOTALLY NEW man and new relationship. let the past behaviors be in the past and start fresh. THAT MEANS HE COURTS YOU like he has never dated you before.
Let him woo and win you but don't play games.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2014): You both have a child together and he has proven himself to be a good father. He puts everything aside when you, or his child needs him. That is a very redeeming quality.
Don't jump into anything. Rebuild trust slowly and deliberately. Cheating is not an unforgivable sin.
I'm just saying, before you decide to recommit; that you
have fully forgiven him and that old issue is far behind you.
It should not resurface in an argument; or you won't have trust-issues when he isn't within your eye-sight. Take all the time you need. He isn't going anywhere. He has at least proven that to you and his child.
You are a kind and forgiving person. I just hope he realizes what he has; and will never hurt you that way again. You must still listen to your friends to make sure you're not just ignoring other red-flags. Loneliness and neediness can sneak up on you, and color your judgment.
You have a good support-system backing you up, and they'll keep you on the right track.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 February 2014):
 Are you "wrong"? Not if it feels "right" for you. And as long as you don't take him back because he is the father of your child, but because you two genuinely get along well.
However, I would suggest you go REALLY slow this time. And make sure no more babies are made for now.
I do think you two should talk about what happened, how it affected you and what the boundaries/rules are for restarting the relationship. Sort out what happened in the past, then PUT it in the paste and start fresh. It might work for you two.
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