A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:What trouble could a 20yr old male get in for dating a 14yr old girl even if both familys are happy with this and give them there full support? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2009): thank you celtic tiger and everyone else you have all helped me out where i needed it thank you
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (12 September 2009):
 I think you have to be really careful here.
The fact that her father has threatened to call the police means that you could well end up in serious trouble.
The other danger, is that she gets emotionally attached to you. At the moment, she sees you as everything she is lacking in other areas of her life. You are a brother, father, friend, "boyfriend", all rolled into one person. She has attached herself to you, because in her head you fill in all the missing links. In reality, she is a very vulnerable child, who is grabbing things that she thinks will make her life better. Have you seen how teenagers react to pop stars? They are "sooooo in love with them", and they get totally obsessed. This is what she is doing with you. You are an amazing "MAN", when all she knows is irritating, teenagers. To her, you are the ultimate prize. It is a big crush. "my boyfriend is 20, he can drive a car", blah blah blah...total street cred boosting, bragging material. That is what teenage girls are like.
Be warned that she may well form an emotional attachment to you, and if you did choose to break things off, then she would get very very hurt. She may refuse to believe you dont love her, and begin to obsess over you and not let you live your own life. What if you suddenly met a girl your own age, that you wanted to have a proper adult relationship with? How do you explain the emotional teenager who won't leave you alone to the woman you are seeing? What if she tries to break you and any new girl up? This is what teenage girls are like when they get obsessed. I am a teacher, I work with them.... I have seen it all. Even down to stalking the new girlfriend and making threats to them.
You say you have been "dating" for 6 weeks. I hate to break it to you, but a 14 year old does not understand the concept of dating the way that adults do it. You are not her boyfriend. You can't kiss, you can't touch, you can't go out. You can't go out to a pub, you can't go to a cinema (no 15, 18 films, only PG). What do you do that actually makes it dating? You are her mate only.
She thinks she is a grown up adult but she is 14 and still a vulnerable child. We were all that age once. Think back. How did you think when you were that age? Were you capable of having a serious relationship, or was it all just a game, a thrill to say I have a bf/gf? I know you say that you can wait for a sexual relationship, but she is already pushing you. If ANYTHING was to happen, even IF it was her idea, you could end up in very serious trouble, especially if her father found out.
I think you should back off. Be her FRIEND, be there for her as a BROTHER would be, but leave it at that. The fact you say there is no sexual attraction on your part also suggests that you do not like her in a bf/gf way. At 20 years old, that is not how it should be at all. Find someone your own age, you can have a proper adult relationship with. Think, by the time she is 18, you will be 24. Then you can have relationship with her, but by dating her now, all you are doing is giving her false hope, and it will be inevitable that she will be even more hurt in the future by this.
She is very emotionally fragile, and needs SUPPORT, not a boyfriend. She needs someone she can talk to, someone she can trust, not a boyfriend. What happens if you find someone else, and you stop dating her. Who will she talk to then? She will be devastated, and will be far worse off then, than she is now. That may well send her over the edge. Why risk it, by just saying NO to her now.
The best thing for her and for you, is for you just to be FRIENDS.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2009): Thank you for all your responses they are not as bad as i expected.
I can see why alot of people are assuming that it would be sexual being 20 and all but I can honestly say I am not your typical bloke and how this come about is I treat people as individuals not dependant on age, sex, race, etc. but also understands boundarys with the law and morally etc. thus I have friends of all sorts.
This particular girl in question was a friend of one of me best mates daughter who is also 14 and like a sister to me. We got on well and just clicked and she wanted it to go further and asked if I would date her and my instant reaction to her was no your a nice girl but it couldn't happen it would be to awkward and also I was in shock and didn't know what to say but just felt is was damn right wrong but also didn't want to hurt her feelings.
We carried on talking for a few weeks and it came up again and I couldn't really think of any reason why I wouldn't apart from feeling awkward so I said we could give it a go thinking it would all fizz out within a week and then she couldn't say I didn't try but by a week later I did actually feel quite good about it and hadn't had any sexual thoughts and I thought to myself I could wait til she 16 and that way I wouldn't be doing anything legally wrong although people might think it morally wrong but also people might say it morally wrong I started speaking to her in the first place.
The next thing I thought about was obviously at that age she will change rapidly and it may change the way we feel about each other but I thought at the end of the day as long as she is happy, I will be happy wether with me or without me and so the only problem on my mind now is wether I could get in trouble or not.
However in the original post there is a white lie. Nobody knows what is going on between us and one reason for this is that she has been kicked out by her mum so she is living with her dad who is an alcoholic and beats her and I am the only person she can talk to and who she can trust. I have talked to her about contacting the police or someone but she don't want to and I have spoke confidentially to the runaway helpline organisation who said I should contact the police but if I did she would then lose her trust with me and then she is completely alone. She has told me she has tried to commit suicide a few times and she wants to run away with me which I have said is a definite no no because that would be illegal. I have only told 1 other person about this and he thinks I have got meself in too deep and feels sorry for me because he doesn't want me to get in trouble.
Her dad has caught her on the phone to me before about a month ago and told me to keep away or he will call the police. We have kept in contact and meet up most weekends. We have known eachother for about 2months been 'dating' for about 6weeks.
Basicly, I am not blowing my own trumpet but I am a nice bloke I will go out my way for anyone but i think this is a bit out of my comfort zone and that is why Im asking for opinions. All I want is for her to be happy wether it be with or without me but I will always be there for her. Please help thank you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2009): What do you mean by "dating"? Doing anything sexual with her would certainly be a crime under the Sexual Offences Act in the UK. If you were ever prosecuted and convicted, you may be imprisoned, and you would go on the Sex Offenders Register and be banned indefinitely from working with children.However, in cases where the younger person is aged 14-15 and the older person is 20 or younger, the older person would not normally be prosecuted unless it is deemed "in the public interest" to do so. Since the relationship is consensual and the girl's family do not object to it, I'd say it is relatively unlikely that you would be prosecuted. There's still a chance it could happen, especially if the relationship ends sourly and the girl reports you to the police just to spite you (like the sub-plot between Renton and Diane in the film Trainspotting).Think about it realistically though. What exactly are you going to be able to do socially with this girl? You can't take her out to the pub or to a nightclub, or to see a "15" or "18" rated film at the cinema. Are you going to be sitting in McDonalds with her while she finishes her Happy Meal? Come on man.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2009): Look at it from another angle. Teenage girls love to boast to people that they have an older boyfriend and what they get upto in private. All it takes is for 1 concerned adult, or another jealous teenage girl to find out, and you'll get reported. Since your an adult male, i can't imagine you wanting to wait 4 years until you can have sex with her, and if you did have sex now, you will be convicted of statutory rape (in others words, although she might consent to sex, her consent means nothing in the eyes of the law because she's not old enough to give it yet, so is a form of rape), sent to prison, and put on the sex offenders register. I think you need to re-think what your doing and where this is going to take you, because once you misplace your morals, you'll have a very hard time finding them again. I'm guessing you already know it's wrong, because you wouldn't be enquiring about it on here.
...............................
A
female
reader, kaylagal  +, writes (3 September 2009):
 prison.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2009): No unless you thing going to prison for rape is trouble... HELL YES... It's illegal, and there's NO AMOUNT of "support" that anyone can give... including the 14 year old that will make it NOT illegal.
Any 20 year old who dates a 14 year old has issues...
...............................
A
female
reader, shygrl86 +, writes (2 September 2009):
 I don't care what the situation is, that is just not okay in this society.
Besides your going to end up braking that girls heart whether you know it or not.
Don't go there. Not cool.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2009): Just to add, even if both families are supportive, there's nothing stopping the passer-byers from calling the cops. People are nosy and highly against them (some of them) and there ARE people who would make two age-differing strangers dating THEIR business.
~Sy.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2009): Yes.
~Sy.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2009): I disagree with Celtic Tiger on this note: "You are far more mature than a 14 year old." - My question to Celtic Tiger is: How do you know that this boy is 'far more mature' than that 14 year old girl? Based on an universal 'standard' that can never truly be accurate, especially when each person is brought up differently and each have their own chemical processes of maturity and growth.-----As for BunnyBeautiful, your judgmental 'reasoning' is uncalled for. You state that it is "plain wrong", yet you offer absolutely no explanation as to why. You assume that they are having sexual activities. Dating does not equal to having sex automatically. Surely, this 20 year old boy may have sexual thoughts, but it does not mean that this 20 year old boy would act upon those thoughts and feelings. As members of DearCupid, we should offer objective advice and guidance and NOT judgmental illogic. ===== To the original poster, having a sexual relationship with anyone under the defining legal age is illegal of course, but having a friendship within the context of furthering it more intimately in the future is NOT illegal. You just have to stay within the laws of your country until she is legal and furthering that, until she is comfortable and ready for you.Maturity is relative to the individual and has no place in a generalized 'perspective'. Connection in friendship can yield many possibilities, some of which can become more intimate. We should not be so bold to assume this 20 year old boy is dating this 14 year old girl for the primary purpose of trying to have sex with her. That sort of thinking is unhealthy and should not exist in a forum like this. Indeed, we can all 'play it safe', but how will humanity grow? How will an individual learn? ESPECIALLY when the bulk of you automatically assume he is 'so much more mature'. How do you measure that? Where do you define such a 'standard'. You cannot. Therefore, for original poster, just make sure you are aware that you have to hold out on anything sexual until 1) she is well within her legal age and 2) she is ready and comfortable.
...............................
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (2 September 2009):
This is not ok, on any level. At 20, you are a LEGAL adult. You are far more mature than a 14 year old, and it throws up a lot of other issues which are very important. You can do so many things that she cannot. You can drink, smoke, drive, vote, and HAVE SEX. She cant.This really is not an appropriate relationship, and I strongly urge you to find a girl your own age.You are an ADULT she is still very much a child, who is barely into puberty.You are looking for a girlfriend? What exactly would you want her to do? A normal relationship at your age would have some sexual element to it - be it kissing, touching or sex. THIS IS ALL ILLEGAL WITH A GIRL UNDER 16.It doesnt matter if her parents agree with her dating you. If this relationship gets in the least bit sexual, YOU can be charged with rape, child abuse, you would be put on the sex offenders register, thus, your life would be ruined. Is it worth it?Also a note to point out, that having sex with a girl under 15 could also lead to a two year prison sentence. I suggest you read up on the lawhttp://www.opsi.gov.uk/acts/acts2003/ukpga_20030042_en_2#pt1-pb5-l1g9Would you be able to wait at least two years before you touched her? If the answer is NO, then move on and find a girl more appropriate to your age group.She is still a child. Let her be a child.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2009): I don't know if it's illegal to date her, but it IS illegal to have a sexual relationship with her, and it's ALL moraly wrong!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 September 2009):
 I believe the legal consensual age in most of Europe is 15 so the answer is YES.
...............................
|
