A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:We've been married about 25 years and have had our problems like any couple usually does. I adore my wife and have eyes only for her. My wife is still very good-looking, very shapely, but lately, she says, has had doubts about herself and when, out of frustration, I confronted her about certain behaviors, she confessed to having done some very questionable things, such having nude photos taken by a professional photographer friend of hers (an old boyfriend, incidentally) and posting them on the internet. This led to a meeting with a man, etc. I am flabbergasted. She told me she needs the attention of strangers. I told her that I am willing to get divorced. She begged me to understand, that she loves me, but she needs these activities right now. I'd like advice.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2010): she has lost her character. so sorry to hear that. i feel idea of separation is good.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (9 July 2010):
 So sorry, but this of course is best for you... I hope it makes her realise what she is giving up, and dosen't drive her to more reckless behaviour..
Maybe time apart is for the best. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 July 2010):
 Have her get a physical too. Someone I knew died of a brain tumor and had acted out some odd behavior prior to diagnosis. Another relative is going through the changes associated with Alzheimers now. It's not nice.
There's an assessment that a neurologist can do to see what might be going on, just in case it's not a very strong case of mid-life crisis.
Rule out a medical cause early, just so you're not putting yourself through a lot of anguish and trauma for something hidden inside her body.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (9 July 2010):
I think this is a good idea. It will force her to make a choice. I would also set a time limit in your own mind about this. Perhaps a few months. Then, after that, give another ultimatum. She may have screamed at the idea, but she needs to make a choice about what she wants. Either she wants you, or she wants to have her fun with other men. She can't have both. Please don't be ashamed that you didn't see all this before. She's the one who has been deceitful here, and she is the one who needs to be ashamed of her actions. Meanwhile, just focus on your own life and do your own thing. Maybe go travelling by yourself briefly or something and take your mind off things.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the good advice. Please understand I love her very much and have no desire whatsoever for anyone else and furthermore I pay her every attention a wife could want, so her behavior is not caused by lack of attention or interest in her on my part. I work, pay the bills, cook, clean up, take her traveling, etc.
After reading your advice, I've decided I want a temporary separation, as I think she "needs the attention of strangers" because she no longer "feels" me, is numb to me, and so she can "go out" if she wants since she will be able and and has my permission to do so. I also asked her to see a psychologist if she felt she needed to--she'll have enough money for that, too. I am going to find an apartment downtown not too far away.
I want to say she loves me and is frightened of a separation. She cried again screamed when I told her. I felt sorry but this is the best thing since she also told me more of what she had done behind my back and I am ashamed of myself for not having been suspicious before. There were many many signs I saw or noticed but ignored.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2010): Nude photographs on the internet leading to meeting with a random man: next will be cheating
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A
male
reader, 11muds11  +, writes (8 July 2010):
Wow, I'll do my best to help. I think it is very, very normal for a woman to need to be "wanted" by others and still be deeply in love with her husband. It's a way for a woman to feel sexy about herself. When a woman feels that others "want" after her, it makes her feel sexy and more alive. It helps her sex drive immensely. It usually has nothing to do with infidelity and, in fact, it's usually very good for a couple's love life.I think it's obvious your wife is going through a mid-life crisis. Many couples get through this.Taking "vanity" pictures is not unusual. And in some ways, I can understand the ex boyfriend thing. It's safer for her. But the other parts are going way over the line. You need to reel her back in. I think she wants you to.Your wife wants to feel younger. She simply wants to have sex appeal...not sex with others. This is normal. If you learn to deal with it well, it can help the husband an awful lot in a relationship. I think you need to sit down with her and ask her if this is why she does these things. Then you have to set boundries and tell her she needs to tell you before she does any "need to be sexy" things. I think a way to solve your problems is to learn ballroom dancing together or some sensual activities like that to make her feel wanted and you feel less jelous. There are many things you can do. Ask a close friend or a councellor for suggestions in your area. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (8 July 2010):
She must be willing to compromise or otherwise you have every right to seek a divorce. She is playing with danger, how long will it be before she needs more excitment and starts to think about committing adultery? She is playing with fire and being very silly.
When I suggest compromise, I mean involving you in any actions so it does not take place outside your marriage. If she wants nude pictures, you can take them. Probably some home made sex films with just you and her will allow her to get the thrill of being watched, but includes you as well. I don't know how you feel about the naked internet pictures, but yes, if she really needs to do this, then I suggest you take the pictures and demand she wears a mask.
I suggesting she divert her current activities into something safer, and something that includes you and won't lead her in to danger. Hopefully you and her could compromise this way and save your marriage but still allow her to get her thrills..
Alternative, she probably won't stop but will continue to lie and hide. Divorce her join in her exhibitionist behaviour. She's having a mid life crisis, she wants to feel young again, adventurous and desirable. This will pass eventually.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (8 July 2010):
She needs to stop this. She can't expect you to sit there allowing her to go out and meet men and maybe even cheat (because that is where this will lead), while you sit there being loyal "trying to understand". Maybe you should ask her if she needs more attention from you. But unless she stops this and works on your relationship, your best bet is to leave. Don't be treated badly by her. She may have a reason, such as not having enough attention from you. But she's got nude pictures on the net, she's met one man. How long until she cheats? And that's assuming she hasn't already done that. You may need to show her more attention, but the one person who needs to do more understanding here is her. She cannot expect you to sit there while she goes outs and does this. She either stops it, or you leave.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2010): Coming from an 18 year old's point of view, I am guessing that old age is making it seem as though she is not getting any attention, not from you, not from the public. I would assume she was pretty and gorgeous at a younger age, seeing as she has gone this far to seek attention? The only advise I can give you at this moment in time, is to talk it through with her. I mean you have been together for 25 years, you wouldn't want to put the marriage down the drain because of this reason. If she is not willing to change, then I guess she doesn't respect you as a husband; it is probably for the best that you leave.
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