A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:ok well just over a year a go i met my boyfriend in a club. I saw him and could not help but smile at him. We had spoken briefly years before on facebook and I recognised him. Immediately I had a feeling that something would happen between us and I wanted to start dating him. We have now been dating a year but have been through so much since and have so many problems, all down to me. Most couples probably don't go through this in a lifetime let alone a year. However, on both sides we love each other so so deeply and get on with each other really really well, and this is difficult to find. I think he's my soul mate and I want to marry him and can only imagine him to spend my life with him. He means everything to me and is everything in my life. I dont need anyone else and feel like I dont have to worry because he's there. I want to sort out our relationship and build a strong base I just need an outside opinion on everything. Its really complicated but I can't just give up on something that I know would work. My boyfriend also agrees that if we sorted out our issues we could be so happy.Before I met my boyfriend I was in a destructive relationship. This relationship was not good at all. It was 2 and a half years long and even though it was destructive i stuck in it as an escape from bigger problems at home and with my family. I was lonely and it was just easier to deal with that relationship rather than actually face being alone. After the first year I started to fall out of love but the relationship persisted. Now I can see that what I had with my ex wasn't even close to the love or connection I have now. Anyway A long time before the end we were not really even like a couple and so when we broke up I was not upset or sad or worried. It just kind of happened where he didn't bother and neither did I because I finally realised that what was the point? The relationship did not bring anything to my life and I had no love for him, nothing much in my life really changed because it was already over by then. One of the problems is that my ex is my nextdoor neighbour. And officially I only broke up with him a week before I met my current boyfriend. However, I have now explained to my boyfriend that officially thats when I said yes its over but I hadnt seen him for or been with him for a couple of months before. We didnt even make plans for valentines or even discuss it and I went on a date set up by my parents with a family friend. My ex didn't care about me either and we lived separate lives for most of the time we were together.When I met my boyfriend I did not tell him about my ex and instead I lied and told him I had an ex from a different city. I did this because I didn't want him to know that my ex lived next door or my ex's religion. I was going to tell my boyfriend but only once we had gotten a little bit closer and when we were a little more attached so that I could trust him with this and he wouldn't just dump me. This was wrong and I know now I should have just been up front, but even now I know that if I had told my boyfriend say within the first week about my ex's religion and where he lived he would have just dumped me or tried to see me causually and this is not what I wanted. I know that now that it was his right to make that decision but I liked him so much and wanted to give us a chance. In the first 3 months of my relationship i was also in contact with my ex and my boyfriend didn't know about this either. It wasnt because I still had any love or care for him but I did feel guilty. I was so happy with my new boyfriend and saw such a good future for us but then I felt bad that I was so happy. Also I was used to talking to my ex about certain things in my life and I didn't feel at that stage that I could discuss this with my boyfriend. I was falling in love with him and everything was new and exciting but it takes me time to open up fully. Again I know this is so wrong but at the time I dont even know what I thought. I never met my ex or cheated on my boyfriend, me and my ex just spoke on the phone. Anyways within 3 months of our relationship, my boyfriend found everything out slowly slowly. First he found out I was still in contact with my ex and then about his religion and that he lived next door. As soon as I saw that all this was going to impact my current relationship i stopped talking to my ex and have no contact with him whatsoever. This is not hard for me and I have no feelings for him at all. Me and my boyfriend carried on with our relationship but he is paranoid and doesnt trust me at all, all of which i can understand especially because I lied so much. Our relationship got very difficult. He would constantly ask me questions about my previous relationship like what it was like. He also needs me to phone him and let him know what im doing all the time. If i accidently miss a phone call he thinks its because im up to something. I cannot blame him for this but I have never cheated on him, I would never cheat on him and I know it was such a big thing to lie and bring my past into this relationship but he knows I love him. I do also get angry and tired of the constant questioning and accusations but my boyfriend doesnt realise that all this is so so difficult for me too. He finds it so hard to forgive and forget and I just dont know what to do. He has confidence issues and feels that my ex is better than him and that I chose my ex over him and that he isn't enough for me. I have tried to explain that this is all untrue and that I love him so deeply but he believes that God bought us together so I would get away from my ex and thats it. I have put the house on sale in an effort to move from my ex. It doesnt help that my ex is a trouble maker and has come up to us and claimed that I have slept with him and left old notes on my car, egged my car and pranked called my boyfriend for a number or months.i just dont know what to do now. We have been trying for months and months and I have changed my life so that I make it easier for my boyfriend to trust me but Im still next door to my ex. I am going to try and move out. i start a new job and should be able to afford it soon. i keep telling my boyfriend that situations change all the time and even though he admits logically he knows im not likely to be talking to him theres just that bit of him that is so paranoid and worried and needs constant re-assurance. He knows I would make a good wife and partner in the future when were ready and he even says if i were to marry somebody else he would be so jealous and I would be the same. when we are together we are happy and ok because im there with him and then he can see what im doing. But otherwise he worries so much and it consumes him. Sometimes he also gets so angry at me and shouts at me because he has to deal with it all the time. Just like sometimes I'll snap at him if im dealing with stuff and hes just questioning and getting at me.I did not know that my actions would have impacted on my current relationship the way they have done. I dont know if that makes me dumb or what. But I'm not evil and if I thought my actions would do this I wouldn't have done any of it. I love my boyfriend and want him happy and if i could go back and change one thing it would be how I started our relationship. I have only ever had these two relationships and I'm now 25 but i dont want to lose something that could be so good for some stupid mistakes that I will regret forever. Im trully sorry for the mistakes I have made and will never do anything like this again. I live for my boyfriend but he just cant trust me or forgive and forget. On top of that he has to deal with my ex being next door all the time. I'm not doing anything that my boyfriend would dis approve of and Im trying to put the right the mistakes I've made at the beginning. i just want to try to move forward and progress and grow stronger. I just dont know how. i think my boyfriend would get peace of mind if i moved out asap but I cant afford it until sept time. We have both changed as people, more so him than me and I dont want to carry on having this destructive affect on him. He talks to his mum and she said that he one of those people that once his trust is broken its so difficult for him to trust again and forgive. He says he can never forget my actions in the beginning but at the same time he loves me. I just dont know if he will ever get past things and stop throwing things back at me. We are just holding on at the moment. He's asking for a lie detector test which i have agreed to but i am nervous about this because I get nervous when questioned. I mentioned this to him and he is now its all he mentions saying he wont feel settled until he gets one. I understand this but wonder where it will end. Will we ever move forward?
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broke up, cheated on my boyfriend, confidence, facebook, jealous, moved out, my ex, neighbour, soulmate Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2010): It sounds like you two do love one another so you shouldn't lose that over a past and early mistakes. To tell the truth I also agree with the other post that you need to bang your heads together and realise what you have. Love is not easy to come by and you seem absolutely committed to him.
Everyone has a past and I can understand that you don't always want to give out information early on in a relationship. He should understand its not always easy to disclose your past so easily. Nobody ever discloses their background so early on and bares all, did he? But lying about it is probably the worst thing you can do so I can see how this doesn't help with the trust issues.
On top of this you say your ex is a 'troublemaker'. I have first hand experience of this and my ex also claimed that I had slept with him after we broke up. This is jealousy, but no guy ever wants to hear that and again this is another blow to his trust. Be patient and the ex will soon get bored and move on and hopefully this will become less of an issue and you two can grow together. You say your boyfriend has confidence problems and he needs your support with his issues and trust will grow as will his confidence.
This is a common issue faced by lots of couples, but communication is key. You say he shouts and you snap, this is not helpful to either of you, both of you need to have understanding and talk, be open about your feelings but not hurtful to each other.
You say you have put your property up for sale, that should also be a signal to him about how serious you are about making it work. This is a big decision and he should see this as a sign of your commitment to the relationship.
You both need to try and your relationship will be an outcome of your hardwork. No relatioship is easy and it is obvious your sorry for early mistakes but both of you will have to work.
A
male
reader, 11muds11  +, writes (8 July 2010):
I think it's good to get your feelings out. It can be very cathartic.
But I think you may be too worried about your man.
The simple answer here is to move out asap and to relax. Going through a lot with somebody is the basis for a solid relationship. If things are still good with your man then move.
I think it might be better fot the 2 of you to get rid of the drama. It's better that way. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (8 July 2010):
 I'm sorry but there is a lot in this post that makes no sense!
1. You say you have a lot of problems in your current relationship and would both like to work it out - but what are the problems? All this very long post has said is that you have an ex boyfriend your current boyfriend does not like and you didnt talk about him at first so now your boyfriend doesnt trust you.
2. What are you taking a lie detector for? What does he think you have lied about?
3. What on earth is all this about your ex's religion? You havent even told us what the religion is, so how are we supposed to help when you miss half the information out! It seems weird that an ex's religion would be a big deal, was he a member of the Ku Klux Klan, a terrorist, or something else?!
To be honest it seems like a load of drama over absolutely nothing. You were not wrong for not talking about your ex right away, there is no need to divuldge the whole of your past within the first week of meeting someone, that is the sort of information that comes out slowly. And as far as I can tell this is the only problem in your relationship!
You need your heads banging together, you clearly make a drama about nothing and your boyfriend has a massive hang up over nothing at all. So you are worrying for nothing and he has no valid reason not to trust you. So really there is not a problem, you have both created this problem and it has spiralled out of control.
Heck, if all we had to worry about in a relationship was that your partner did not talk about their ex right away, we would all have much simpler lives! You both making a massive fuss about something that is not even an issue, and in turn allowing yourselves to mess up a good relationship.
Maybe if you both wake up and realise that you actually have a great relationship and your "problem" is one of the least significant things in the world, then you might get back to having a relationship again.
If I have missed some other "problems" let me know but all I can see from your post is this one thing where you didnt talk about your ex right away. And that is just madness that it has got this far.
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