A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am a woman in my 40s, with two kids. I'm in good shape -- I've always exercised a lot. My husband and I have a healthy sex life (about 2x per week.) I'm not trying to sounnd conceited, but I'm often told that I'm very attractive by peers. I recently discovered that my husband is secretly looking a porn on redtube, a couple of clips a day, nearly every day. At first, I was really upset. Then I watched some of what he's looking at, and while I don't enjoy it, it's pretty tame when I consider everything he has access to on that site (some of it is really gross).The thing is, I can't decide if I should say something or not. I caught him looking at this same porn site about a year ago. It was in his history (why he forgets that I can check his history I don't know!) He said it was a one-time thing from some stuff a friend had sent him that was "funny." Now I know he's lying to me, and he's probably been doing this all along, but I also understand that he doesn't want to upset me. I've always heard that "all guys do it." I guess I just thought my husband was special and different. I guess women just see life from a more romantic standpoint, and you don't ever picture your strong, brave, loving Prince Charming on porn sites. It just seems kind of pathetic and sad.The biggest problem, from my perspective, is knowing that he's looking at big-breasted, slutty-type women every day. I'm never going to have that kind of body again -- I made two children for him and those days are over. I'm still in good shape, but I'll never again have perky breasts or a really flat stomach. It just hurts a lot. Honestly, in my worst moments, it makes me feel like I should go find someone who thinks my body is beautiful and who is thrilled to be with me, I hate to say it, but I know they're around.If I confront him, of course he's going to tell me he stopped, but now I won't believe him.Guys, you may think it's harmless, but if you knew your wife was fantasizing about sleeping with some other guy every night -- if you could see into her brain -- would you like that?
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (24 February 2010):
 Yep.. Don't ask, don't tell.. men do not throw that porn in your woman's face, keep it out of her home if she hates it. Make sure she knows she's loved and adored by you. And if your doing pornography every day, then you got big problems with either your relationship or you need to sort out what is causing you such stress... compromise, that's what I like, a way to keep people together, happy and in love.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (24 February 2010):
Yippie.. hahahaha.. you are wonderful wife..
Man lonely and bored, reaches for the sex stuff.. likes the blowjob images.. Thank you so much for being able to calm down and look at this rationally. Thank you so much for trying to at least understand where he is coming from. This is so very hard for a lot of women to do. Thank you for coming back and updating your post and sharing your experiences.
hahahaha.. Porn dose what it's supposed to do, put excitement back into your sex life. He's so lucky to have a woman like you beside him. Put some of things you learned in them romance stories to good use. (I like them too, much more sexier than porn)
It's wonderful when a husband and life can be kind and considerate and learn to get along. Have a wonderful time my dear and don't forget, sex is fun.. :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2010): Thanks everyone for your responses.
There's actually a follow up. When I was first going thru the website history, I realized he was looking at the porn site almost every day for three weeks -- but then, after I calmed down, I realized he'd also been on business trips for much of the past 3 weeks, which is unusual for him.
So I didn't say anything. I've just been monitoring him (kind of creepy, I know.) In the last week and a half (he's been home) he's actually only been on the site one time, for one clip (interspersed between ESPN and the news). So now I'm thinking this was -- he's out of town, he's curious, he doesn't want to put movies on the credit card. This will sound crazy, but when I look at all the stuff he has access to, I'm almost finding it endearing that he's looking at really tame stuff -- kind of like moveable Playboy. Also, more than half the clips he watches are straightforward blowjobs -- hint hint.
I discussed the issue with a close friend and she pointed out that a) he would probably like more of those -- no kidding, and b) guys don't ever get that viewing angle in real life, so it's probably just a "get a good look at how that works."
Also, he has been under the most stress at work of his entire career, so I can see how the porn site might take his mind off his work problems -- I read romance novels, so I do get that connection.
Weirdly enough, I think this has been sort of a good thing. I've got a window into my husband's sex drive. It's like a little smack upside the head -- stuff I knew in my 20s about men that you forget in the trenches of family life. I never thought of our sex life as "stale," but it IS usually in our bed, lights out, etc. We've been so careful about funds and most of our fun money goes to things for the kids these days.
So I took his winnings from a football pool, went out and bought a bunch of new lingerie. I've been more attentive in general, and have just been having more sex over all (funny how that competitive streak comes out!) I'm working on losing the seven pounds I've been wanting to lose forever -- I joke to myself that it's the "Porn Diet". When I think about eating junk, I just remember why I'm trying to get into shape. Don't worry, I don't expect that I'll ever look like the hootchie mamas(I have an aversion to saline implants), but it's been good for me in terms of focusing on myself a little bit instead of paying bills, buying groceries, running the kids to soccer, etc. We've also talked about setting aside some money for date nights -- something we kept saying we should do, but have never gotten around to. (Just the thought of HIM actually calling a babysitter instead of me excites me.) We've had four couple friends divorce in the past year, so I've just told him I've been thinking about some things we could do to make our marriage even better.
I plan to just keep checking in on his computer from time to time, and maybe try a blow job now and then.
I have to admit, though,if it was turning out that he did look at the site every day, and especially if he was watching the hard core stuff, I would be having a very different reaction. It may just be how men are wired, but I still can't help feeling like it's LAME. It would undermine my respect for him -- sorry, but it's true.
So here is my agony aunt advice -- men, if you are watching porn, make damn sure you HIDE IT. Delete your history. Delete your temporary internet files. Those women who say they don't care are LYING -- they are just resigned.
Treat your wife like your girlfriend. Arrange dates. Bring her flowers, etc. COMPLIMENTS are key -- if we have to ask you to tell us we look great, then it's worthless. And saying, "You're so hot, you're so sexy"-- to us, that just sounds like you want sex. Try: "You know, you really are a beautiful woman." or "Your skin is always so pretty" -- we eat stuff like that right up.
I've heard husbands say, "before we were married you used to . . ." Well, "before we were married" husbands usually arranged dates, gave out compliments, opened doors, etc. We have so many demands on us in terms of work, running a household, and kids' constant needs. If husbands make an effort to make their wives feel precious and beautiful, wives then feel special, sexy, girlfriendy -- and like we want to show our appreciation.
So, now off to the gym . . .
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A
male
reader, alex74 +, writes (23 February 2010):
 I watch porn and my wife is well aware of it. At least he's not going to strip clubs or massage parlors. If you are having sex twice weekly with your husband, that's great and you should be commended. We have a 2 and a 5 yr old and we are lucky to have sex once before my wife finishes her packet of BC pills. I could do it twice daily and I'd still probably be intrigued by porn. Men simply have a much higher sex drive than women. We are also more visually stimulated. My wife is happy knowing that she is in the class of women that you want to marry and be the mother of your children. Not in the same class as one of the "ho's" that will take on an enormous schlong or two for money.
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A
male
reader, Barvis316 +, writes (22 February 2010):
From a guy perspective here just because he is looking at porn does not mean that he is fantasizing about these other women. I do believe that all men watch it the problem is all men do not admit to it with their partner. My wife doesn't care for it at all but knows I watch it. It can be fun to bring ideas from it into your own sex life.
In fact we would watch some of the softer stuff together and try it ourselves some of which we now use on a regular basis. It's not always about degrading woman. If you give it a try it may be fun and could bring you even closer together
I think there may be more of a problem with communicating with one another than the porn itself. Not sure why some guys don't admitt to it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2010): There is not a single set of rules that applies to everyone for porn. Different people feel different ways about it, that's all there is to it.
Couples just need to come to some kind of agreement about it between the two of them. What satisfies some people is not suited to others.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2010): I'm sorry but, you could have sex with him every day and he would still want to watch porn...it's just a guy thing that we can't understand because we are not wired like them (thank god). And yes, it is your business, you are married to him. Do your children use the same computer as he does? If they do, I would install a netnanny to protect them (which would also stop your hubby from being able to access these sites).
Porn aside, he has lied to you and is keeping secrets. That is not a good thing in a marriage. I don't think you need to feel threatened by the porn, it is not a reflection on how much he loves you and he won't stop loving you because of it. However, if it does start affecting your sex life, I would want it to stop! It is up to you weather or not to make a big deal out of it. Fighting over porn will affect a relationship in a negative way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2010): hi, i wouldn't take into account what gabe says, he cannot speak for all men, just as you and i cannot speak for all women. I as a woman myself completely undersand where you are coming from and why you feel upset about the whole situation. I wouldn't like my partner doing that and yes when you are in a relationship with someone it is your business! He's lied to you and it is not acceptable, you need to come out and ask him and see if he lies again to you. Porn in my eyes is pretty sleazy, degrading to women and just filmed prostitution. In all honesty i am very attractive and could be a porn star myself but the idea of dirty old sleazy men looking at me and masturbating turns my stomach, i see it from both points of view. You aren't alone and im 100% sure not all men look at it. Follow your heart and what you believe in. Good luck hunny :-)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2010): my partner looks at porn all the time when he needs a quick relief. sometimes when i am at home on my own i look at porn and use it for the same reason. we don't look at porn together for some reason but know that each other does. you'd be surprised how many men and WOMEN look at porn. your husband loves you and your children. please don't blow this into a separation. you don't need to feel threatened by an image that he will have forgotten as soon as he has relieved himself. he probably just flicks through several images to get him going and then fantasies about you anyway. you're the woman he married and is raising a family with, the person he cuddles up to in bed at night and apart from this one thing the person he shares his inner most thoughts and feelings with. talk to your husband and allow him to reassure you that this is harmless. you sound gorgeous but mention your breasts not being perky and stomach not being flat and that your friends say you are attractive but how do you feel about yourself? tell him how you feel and your insecurities about the way you look. you need to discuss both of your feelings on the issue openly and honestly and come to a better understanding of each others needs. i don't like my partner looking at porn if i'm feeling unattractive for any reason (put on a few pounds etc) and he understands this.
men can be a bit 'logical' about these things and not understand the emotional side of things because to them its just relief, not love. talk to him
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (21 February 2010):
"Guys, you may think it's harmless, but if you knew your wife was fantasizing about sleeping with some other guy every night -- if you could see into her brain -- would you like that?" (Quote, original poster)
Why do you think he's fantasying about having sex with some other woman? That's not the purpose of porn at all. He's watching people having sex. He's not a woman, he doesn't need to imagine anything, it's all there for him to see right before his eyes.
You could leave him I guess. But you might find yourself shocked by how many guy's out there actually look at pornography, and a lot more regularly than your husband dose. He lied, because he didn't want to upset you, women seem to become upset and start doubting themselves when their "Hollywood Movie" life starts to unravel into reality. That's why I never believe the lie men tell about me being "the most beautiful woman in the world"... that's just bloody stupid. If I was that beautiful I'd be famous and rich.
In the real world, men like to look at sex sometimes, and they like to look at pretty girls. But it dosen't mean they love you any less, and when they fantasize, it's probably you they think about and some wonderful sex you had. Porn is quick relief when they don't feel like getting romantic, taking their time and making you feel loved and adored. Far more easier to drag up some internet pornography, or grab a magazine, bang, bang, bang on the old penis, done and finished, seconds instead of hours. They they feel relaxed, orgasms are very de stressing, they go on with their day, go back to normal life and don't think about it at all.
He can't treat you this way, you need respect and time, so that's why sometimes men use porn, even though they have a beautiful woman who they absolutely adore right beside them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2010): My husband does it. I think its wrong as well. Well done for bringing it up. Confront him.
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A
male
reader, Gabe121 +, writes (21 February 2010):
I honestly can't believe the number of women posting on this site regarding porn issues.
Firstly ALL MEN WATCH PORN! Most men watch it every day if they have access to it.
Secondly, there is nothing wrong with watching porn!
If I were you I wouldn't mention it to your husband. He's not going to stop watching and it will just create tension between the two of you.
I really can not understand why some women get so worked up over this and I thank my lucky stars that my wife is not bothered in the slightest.
At the end of the day it's not really any of your business. If you want to be included in his sexual fantasies then I suggest trying to watch it with him.
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