A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating a man, whom I love madly for the past five years. However, much of that time it has been long distance, and we've only been able to see each other for an hour or two here and there over the years. I'm away at school in another country and he's also doing school. I still have a ways to go, and there is no guarantee we will end up in the same country for quite a while. The other major problem is that my family will not accept him. He isn't even allowed in the house. My parents know we are together but won't treat him with any respect. My family is from Nigeria and he is white. It's because of his race that they want nothing to do with him. We want to get married but I don't know how realistic this is. I don't know if my family will ever be able to accept and respect him b/c of his race. It's nothing he has done, just fundamentally about something he can't change and that they can't get over. If we get married, he will have to put up with this for ever. What if we have kids? And with the physical distance and space between us, what are the chances this can work. I wonder if the reason things are so good is because we haven't had a chance to really be together. So, we've never had a fight, nothing. Your thoughts would really be appreciated.
View related questions:
long distance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (22 February 2010):
Another issue; be careful about what you say to him about your family's attitude. You dont always have to tell him every negative thing they say. In my case, they never said anything to his face; it was all to me. So I just never told him much except that my parents were concerned. Sometimes you fuel the fire if you allow yourself to become the messenger. Imagine if he told you every little thing his mother says about you? That would make you feel lousy too. So ignore your family for now. I have a lot of close Nigerians so I know that they speak their minds and are very direct. So if they say stuff directly to him, just tell him that all sons' in law go through it and its part of culture. I dont know if its the same in Nigeria, but in my country a son in law cannot be respected until he pays the bride price. So my boyfriend knows this and when the time comes he has said he wants to do all the ceremonies and he thinks its all fun. So talk to your aunts or your grandmothers or write to them and ask them to advise you on all the procedures that are required. Also tell them you would appreciate it if they influence your other family members positively on this issue. All the best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2010): If the good outweighs the bad then marry him. Sometimes not everything is 100% perfect in marriage, and I am sure if it wasn't for your parents disliking him for his race. it would be something else. I'm just saying that there's always conflict, troubles and hardships in any and every relationship. Talk to him about it and decide if you both can handle that sort of resentment. I guess you love your parents but marriage is ultimately about you and him.
The distance you both can work out if you create some solid foundations. Your parents may or may not come around. They may be from Nigeria but last I checked, Nigeria isn't Canada.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe've been together for 5 years and they do know how much he cares.
He has been helping me pay for school. He has supported me. He has done everything.
He's really upset about how they treat him. I think that any kids that come out of our marriage will be loved, but I don't want him to go on feeling he is resented.
...............................
A
female
reader, Angzw +, writes (21 February 2010):
Probably the reason why they won't accept him is because they don't know him yet. They probably think he's just a white man using you. They haven't yet seen how much he loves and cares for you. It boils down to a decision on both you and your partner's part. Do you marry for yourselves or for your families? My boyfriend is also white and when he comes to Africa even strangers in the street harass him. But the two of us don't give a damn what other people think. You can't live your life to make other people happy. As for my family, I told them either they support me or I cut them out of my life. Ofcourse they disapprove but they support me only because I told them they should or else. So you will find that for the first few months of your relationship they may be giving you a bad attitude but they always come round in the end. So make a decision and live your life. As for kids, I'm yet to meet an African family who will reject an innocent child. The important thing is to teach your child the language, manners and customs of your people so that when you visit they don't have a culture shock. My partner has been demanding children too and we have agreed that I will speak my language, he will speak his and they can learn English at school like we did since we are both fluent in 3 languages. So just ensure that you teach your children both cultures and they should be fine.
...............................
|
