A
female
age
41-50,
*ioncub
writes:I have been dating my partner for 2 years, he is still married and has two children. One child accepts our relationship the other child doesn't. We have lived together for 18 months but he has recently moved into his own place. This is for his children.The issue I have is with his marriage. We have discussed him getting a divorce however no progress and he constantly states that he will but in his own time.He now admits that this is something he doesn't want to do at the moment as he has already put his children and his wife through enough with him moving out.He feels guilty as she isn't well, nor will her illness improve, she depends on him financially, job and security ie home, etc. She looks after his children full-time and our relationship is always put to one side if she needs his time with the children changing at the drop of a hat. I have no say nor would I want to put any demands as it will appear that I have an issue with his family.I have no attachments ie old relationships hanging over my head nor have children. I am trying to explain to him about how it feels, with him being attached to his wife, and that this is damaging our future together. but I can't seem to get him to understand or see it from my opinion.Please help with advice etc.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): Your future together isn’t just you and him.
The man has a family. He has kids to raise. He is legally married to someone else, someone he’s spent years of his life with and shares children with. Regardless of how he feels about you, there’s still a lot of love with his wife, and he will not leave her while she is ill. Don’t you think she’s earned enough respect for her husband to stick by her while she’s sick? Their relationship doesn’t concern you in the slightest. I’m not trying to be completely negative, as I understand the position you’re in, however, there are 2 different relationships going on here, and you need to recognize that.
First off, we have relationship number one: your boyfriend and your boyfriends wife. They are married. Children are involved. They’ve spent probably some of the best years of their life together. They’re attached in a way that you won’t be for quite some time with this man I’m afraid.
And then we have relationship number two: your boyfriend and yourself. In any relationship, baggage is involved. In relationships where one partner has cheated to be involved in that relationship – there’s even more baggage. It seems that you expect him to put everything else second and prioritize your relationship, which is in no way fair to him or his wife. I’m basing this on the line you used: “I have no attachments ie old relationships hanging over my head nor have children. I am trying to explain to him about how it feels”… why is it so important that he knows how it feels to not have any attachments? You would prefer that he not care about his children or their well-being? Or the woman he promised to spend the rest of his life with? You’re completely fine with him being a cheater and not caring enough about his other life to put forth the effort to be respectable, even if he’s failed at that thus far? You may not have those responsibilities, but he does. Any respectable man isn’t going to turn his back on those things either. Why would you want him to? Being number one in his life has consequences, and not just for him. You’ll be the woman that tore him away from his children, since one has already expressed disgust at the relationship. Those children might not have the relationship with their father as they do now if he disregards them. His wife, who I assume knows about the affair at this point, will have to live with knowing her cheating husband chose his mistress over his family. Honestly… what outcome do you want here? Butterflies aren’t going to fly over your head. Doves won’t be there. Puppies won’t crawl out from under rainbows. You’re in a lose/lose situation with a man that deserves no respect.
Assuming worst case scenario – he hates his wife. She’s abusive or talks down to him… whatever… he should have left before entering the affair with you. There’s literally no excuse for him to sleep around with you while married. If he didn’t leave before, he won’t leave now.
What exactly do you want to convey to this man? That you hate that he has responsibilities? That you need to be number one? That you’re FAR more important than his actual family? You summed it up pretty well in your question title: “Wife still dependent on my BOYFRIEND!” He is just that, a boyfriend. There’s no set-in-stone commitment. Why? Because he has that. With his wife. And his children. She’s dependent on him because she has the right to be. She has his ring around her finger, not you. And until he divorces her or she passes away, she is going to be around and there’s not one thing you can say to him to change that.
If I were you, I would sit him down and tell him that you understand he has those responsibilities, and you want nothing more than for him to take care of those. You love the attachment free life that you have. Bravo to you. He was dealt a different hand.
I hope your future together works out. I hope you give him more understanding and patient behavior. More importantly, I hope he mans up and does the right thing, for his wife and his kids.
A
female
reader, TeaLady  +, writes (23 February 2011):
 He is getting the best of both worlds...avoiding guilt and really ending his marriage and getting you on the side. You have along with his wife, enabled his selfishness. One of you needs to grow a pair and I suggest it be you and get the heck out. Aren't you worth more???
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): You are owed nothing from this family, you should try and feel more empathy towards them. You really have to selflessly consider, are youre feelings for this husband and father reason enough for two children to be brought up in a broken family? If he has to change his plans to care for the kids, then, to do it at the drop of a hat is the least that can be expected of him. I hope this doesn't upset you, but I think he loves his wife from what you're telling me, can you really say that's a bad thing? If his wife is I'll then he should only be getting closer to her, do you really want to take her husband away from her when she's in that state? My advice is to put no pressure on him whatsoever, and in his own time, let him make what he feels is the right choice for his family, whatever that may be.
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