A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi everybody. Wife and I are both around 50 with 4 kids. The youngest is 17. Our sex life is very hit and miss and has been all through our marriage. Her sex drive is low but she masturbates regularly, though she denies that she does it as much as she does.This gets me down quite a bit at times and I recently tried to have a discussion with her about the whole situation. She is a great believer in discussing things rather than bottling them up but to my amazement, she said that she didn't want to talk about it or discuss it. I asked her if we should just keep going with each of us taking care of our own needs by masturbating and she replied "Yes."Can anyone suggest why she's acting like this and refusing to talk about it?
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (31 January 2012):
 Oh, she sees it and she has made the connection, but I suspect she is avoiding 'the talk' because she's afraid she'll be forced to provide profound and definite answers and/or make big decisions before she is ready.
It's like dried vomit on the carpet. You know it's there, but it doesn't smell too bad until you disturb it by trying to wash it. And once you start you can't leave it unfinished.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2012): O.P. here. Thanks for all your thoughts, folks. The whole situation is doing my head in and my mood isn't great. And I don't think she even sees it or makes the connection.
Yes, we definitely need to talk it through (which doesn't look like happening) but even if she did change her mind, I think I'd find it hard to have sex as I'd believe she was doing it against her will.
It really hits home to me when I realise that I'm 50ish and that's it, pretty much, sexually.........
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (30 January 2012):
Your wife is probably getting hormone changes that will reduce her desire although not her ability to have an orgasm. I do recognise the ability not to discuss and I wouldnt push her on that topic. My wife is also starting menopause and its good to understand what is going on, it doesn't need to be as bad as it sounds. I have found a lot more foreplay is needed, in fact I think see gets the best orgasms with my finger alone. Its always good to introduce some diversity, do different things, different times, places, etc, not just with sex! Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Latti  +, writes (30 January 2012):
That would be a big issue for me....if my spouse preferred masturbation over me. A few things to look at:
1. Emotional Detachment- has there been any major issues between u?
Infidelity, loss of attraction, resentment & anger due to unresolved
issues, medical issues?
2. Menopause.....
3. Weight Gain - women often feel insecure & uncomfortable about our
Body when we gain weight, strecht marks, overall body changes.
4. How do you treat her??? Sex doesn't start in the bedroom...it starts
With calling her during the day, flirting with her, flowers, making her
Feel attractive & loved. Saying nice things about her in front of
others
5. Do you keep yourself up? Well groomed, in shape, hygeine well kept?
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (30 January 2012):
If your wife is masturbating regularly I'd say she does not have a low sex drive.
Without knowing anything about you or the marriage/family dynamics I can only guess and say she prefers the privacy, efficiency and reliability of self gratification. If you take responsibility for her orgasm she may feel pressured to enjoy sex for your sake.
It may be that as she gets older and her kids are grown, she wants more independence. Again, just a guess.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 January 2012):
 does she truly orgasm when you have sex? ARE YOU SURE?I have something LIKE an orgasm when I have sex with my partner but the truly satisfying orgasm are had my masturbation only.we have a lot of cuddles and affection and we do have sex but it's not as physically satisfying as self-stimulation for me...perhaps she has the same problem?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2012): Maybe she is no longer experiencing full climax with you.Maybe she is using it against you as a weapon as a payback.Maybe she want's you to masturbate together. There are so many maybe's for a woman who speaks her mind, I am thinking, she is not telling you Jack.I guess you'll have to speak openly with her about what's really going on. I guess it's your turn to speak your mind.A sexless marriage is one on the brink of divorce. And a very sad thing. Also she is entering Menopause and that's a whole new ball game. Have a really big talk. And I hope you both get some of each other in the not to distant future.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2012): I guess shes addicted to self gratification. To the point she prefers it over intimacy with you. That sucks and its not meant to be so. Guess shes lazy, selfish and well, what more is there to say?Decide if you can live with this or if you want more. I find it neglectful and abusive myself and would leave AFTER marriage counselling to see if the marriage could be saved.Has she ever thought to masturbate with you, together?
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