A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I could use a little advice. I've been married to a great woman for 15 years and I thought things were going well. But one month ago I discovered by accident that she had a secret email account. Well, after lots of back and forth, she admitted that she was having a six-month email conversation with a guy she met online. She swore that nothing physical happened, and that she would end it. To make this long story shorter, over the next week and a half, more and more info came out (because I became aware that more was happening and kept questioning her). She told me six different times that she had told me the whole story, but more would come out later. So the bottom line is that she has had phone sex with perhaps 10-20 guys that she's met in a sex-oriented chat site, sent nude photos of herself to maybe that same number of men (or more), met up with two different men she met through her work (kissed and made out, no sex), had oral sex a few times with a man she met through work, and went all the way with a guy she met while she was out of town for work (they've had sex a few times whenever she went to that city). I asked her to leave and she is in an apartment nearby. We are set to begin counseling soon. I still have love for her; I can't help it, and part of me wants to try and work it out. But I just don't know how I can trust her again. She's always been a flirty girl, and I've never had a problem with that. I'm not the flirting type really, and I was comfortable with her flirting because I just trusted her so much. How can I get past this? Should I even try? I just never thought this could happen. Also, I've never neglected her and we've always had plenty of great sex together. I've also been there for her when her mother died recently. I feel like I've done alot for this relationship and this is how I am repaid.What should I do? I am willing to commit to counseling to see what happens, but most of me wonders if it's even worth it. She's been doing this for four years and the physical stuff she's done with other guys has been increasing. By that I mean that she just had sex with this guy for the third time in Sept, and was set to be in that city again next month.Any real advice is appreciated..... thank you all
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010): Trust can't be re-built here. It might be better to leave.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2010): Seriously mate get shot of her she is not worth your time, you said a great woman!!!! How can you say that after what she has done!!!! You WILL find someone better by the sound of it nearly anyone would be better...if she can do this to you then she will do it again and again! Just reading your letter it angered/upset me that someone could do that to the person they "love". Sorry for your pain but also i cant believe you think you could trust her again! You do need counseling to think help get over what she has done to your head and also to think STRAIGHT!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2010): Ifeel your pain man. After twenty year's of marrage my wife had an affair with a married man she met at work. Like you i adored my wife with all my heart but this has destroyed our marrage and i know in my heart that our marrage is over. My wife is also a flirt and just like you i trusted her. Your lucky in one sence in that there is no children so this will make it much less complicated for you to make a decision. In my own case we have five kids so this makes it a lot more hurtful to decide. Just like your wife my wife say's that she deeply regrets the hurt she has caused and begs me to forgive her. I truly believe that once your soulmate cheats on you there is no going back after all what is a relatioship without trust it's just bullshit. I wish you good luck wathever you decide
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2010): I am the person who posted this question, although I can't seem to be recognized as such. Wanted to also say we have no kids (by choice) and she is going to a therapist who specializes in sex addiction (because she thinks that could be the case, and so do I). Anyway, thank you for the advice so far. I am not the type of person who wants to jump from one bed to another... I really just want a real relationship with a great girl who I can be myself with. She claims to be devastated by her betrayl, and promises to do whatever she can to keep us together. She says she feels like a weight has been lifted by telling me.... and wants us to heal from this and move on.
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (5 January 2010):
 Could it be that your wife really doesn't wish to be married anymore? There is generally a logical explanation for a woman's bad behavior and my guess is, while you may be an excellent husband she no longer loves you like that, or has lost sexual interest in you. She may have stayed with you because it was "comfortable" and she knew you'd be there to come home to. But she is clearly living the life of a woman who wants to be single. Go to counseling, see what comes out of it. Unless she's some sort of sex addict, I think she'd be better off to be single for awhile. I really question her feelings for you. I wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (5 January 2010):
 Four years?!
I say go to individual counseling to help yourself get through this, not necessarily to save the marriage. Whether or not you decide to save your marriage, make that decision based on what's best for you in the long-run, not simply because you love her and miss her. She's done a lot of damage and you deserve better.
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A
female
reader, shania  +, writes (5 January 2010):
 Sounds like your wife is going through a mid life crisis....yes women can have it too.To be honest, i think your marriage has finished, its not like she's had 1 relationship with a man,you could maybe understand that...but 20 guys! This woman is craving excitement, she loves the danger and going behind your back and at any price.She is bored and restless and i dont any amount of counselling is going to sort it.I know you love her but she cannot be in love with you if she's screwing around.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (4 January 2010):
I don't think this is something you can work out. This is not like it's one affair with one guy. This is sex, phone sex with a lot of guys over a long period of time. I really admire your loyalty to her, but to be honest I think it's wasted. To me there just seems to be so much deceit on her part. If you want to try counselling, listen to what's being said. But I think you would be better moving on and finding a woman who can commit.
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A
female
reader, marder  +, writes (4 January 2010):
 Man... I think you should run and not look back! I guess that is easy for me to say... 15 years is a long time to be in a relationship with someone. I don't believe that there is any excuse for cheating... and she doesn't even have the excuse that this was "just a one time mistake". She apparently has some sort of issues if she has been having some sort of relationship with so many different men. There has been so much deceit, I wouldn't blame you if you didn't even bother with counseling. That is a lot of pain, lack of trust, hurt to get over.
good luck! I hope everything works out for you.
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